Today I have off. I woke up early at four a.m. because I felt like it. I have been rested. This week has been a real gift, and I'm pretty certain Spirit planned it to help me recover from my emotional shock.
I am a survivor of all kinds of abuse: sexual, emotional, neglect...and the adult child of an alcoholic.
Somehow this beginning was needed to help the seeds of my spiritual abilities to grow and develop so that I could help at this time with the Awakening. Many times individuals who have 'no place to hide' during their suffering will spontaneously go 'UP' into their soul/astral body while trying to hide from the abuse, then the channels stay open instead of closing.
It also kept me humble--definitely not 'stuck up' as we used to describe it on the playground in North Long Beach where I grew up. No one could guess or even have a clue about my Spiritual legacy and origin.
As I disclosed in the last blog post, the legal attack--even though on their end is their quest for money and 'I shouldn't take it personal'--was an attack of everything I have built to believe and walk around like I am a 'good person' and especially a 'good doctor'. Which I am, I truly believe I am. But with that 'band aid' ripped off, all the raw, painful, unhealed trauma rose to the surface...and I could barely function.
I was in a state of profound shock. Keep psychological shock. I didn't know where to turn, and I couldn't stop crying.
I tried to go out for tea, which usually helps, but the facility was booked for hours. I didn't want to go home and have Anthony see me cry. So I found another restaurant near the tea house, and went to have 'tea' there.
I wasn't alone. It looked like it to physical eyes. But there was a beautiful guiding teacher soul with me. We talked and it helped. Not about my situation per se, but about things that are important to me at this time.
Spirit provided for this. I'm sure my guide teacher knew well in advance what was coming for me and made the time and opportunity for this 'tea' to happen.
It helped, but it wasn't enough. A few harsh words of annoyance at the ballpark from Anthony, and I was in tears in front of everyone, and I couldn't stop. It wasn't his fault, it's just my nerves were so raw...
I couldn't even do the laundry.
Anthony left to go visit his father. And I stayed home, on call for work, backup call. I hadn't been scheduled to come in, but I needed the phone near me. Just in case.
I did light, soothing activities. Lots of lying down and resting. Lots and lots. Getting fresh air and sunshine. Processing emotions. And communicating as best as I could with my teachers and guides, earthly and not in the physical.
On Friday Ross told me who to contact when I was in total shock. That friend was solid, right on it, and even said that the opposing legal stuff was just 'paper and magic' and truly, it is. Those closest to my heart, including Anthony, supported me. I couldn't make it on my own.
I also reconnected with a very dear friend who lives abroad. And the beautiful thing is, I was able to share that I'd been crying (I usually wear full makeup when we talk), and that I wasn't embarrassed to show myself in that state if they were okay with it, and they were. It turns out that this friend had also experienced new 'lows', and was healing from that. FaceTime, with old friends, is wonderful.
And, ironically, once that morning healing was done, I got called in to work. I wasn't supposed to, but there was an emergency and fortunately I got the easier line up. This patient actually went into asystole on arrival to the OR room, not ever when there was any anesthesia given or surgery. They just died. I couldn't have handled that, not in my state. But the easy cases I had were fine. Then I went home.
I was able to rest, have a nice meal, and prepare for first call.
This is where the miracle happened.
The 0800 case cancelled because the patient was too unstable.
The 1200 case, and another later in the day, both cancelled, because the patient left against medical advice (AMA are the three most beautiful letters!)...
I worked from one until three, with good cases that made decent money.
Then I went home and was able to see Anthony. I slept in my own bed. And I slept good sleep! This is rare and unusual for first call.
And, surprisingly enough, even though we are short-staffed, I was off on Monday.
I've also been off on Tuesday and now today, Wednesday.
Which is fortunate because I have have a deadline. I worked hard on it yesterday, scanning and emailing documents. But today I needed the time. Yesterday I had to be gentle to myself and not push.
The full moon and the Schumann are both supporting me in my healing.
To be honest, I had thought I was going to die with my early childhood wounds unhealed.
Yet, through this horrible weekend, the circumstances are set to help me heal them, for the first time, instead of just making do or trying to compensate for them.
All my life I have felt like my birthright to have a normal heart that works how God intended it to work, my birthright was stolen from me and I'd have to live as a highly-functioning, damaged person.
But it healed.
I don't have that ache of abandonment I've known all my life. I don't have that fear that I'm going to be yelled at, bad. I feel like I can be myself. And I can speak up for myself. I feel better.
So I have the spiritual, which I'm quite strong and capable--that hasn't changed.
But the human, the matters of the heart, the emotional especially, have completed what we would call 'catch up growth' -- I'm back to where most people begin. Preemies need catch up growth, and then end up indistinguishable from other full-term babies. People who have been emotionally stunted need to process and gain skills they should have gained back in the time of abuse. How the sorrow and despair from this weekend turned into healing, I don't truly understand...but it did.
I still need time to process and heal, I feel vulnerable, but it will come. I am very grateful that Spirit is giving me the time I need to get this project done before deadline, and to do it at a slower, gentle pace. I also can help go to exercise class, help Anthony with his first week at his employment (I make breakfast and pack lunch). Money is important, and needed, but health, mental health especially, needs to come first.
This is how Ross and I together can help you.
I share what happened to me. How the system works. How we may have had unusually bad experiences in order to be able to be at our post when Spirit needed us, with our Spiritual gifts ready. Even though our challenges were a heavy burden to bear.
By living our lives to the best of our ability, we are able to touch other's lives.
And by staying true to our life plan, sometimes things that really knock us on our butts are opportunities for deep, valuable healing in disguise!
You may be reeling in pain, and suffering, and unable to tell the difference from a new wound, or a combination of new wound allowing healing for old wounds to come up.
Listen to your guides! Do what they say! Interact with your friends, and teacher guides, who know and love you. Be honest with what you are experiences and use your words to communicate it.
Let go of all expectations of yourself for earthly things. I let laundry and dishes sit. I ate peanut butter sandwiches instead of cooking. I gave myself free rein to do what I needed to do to heal. Including lots of fresh air and sunshine.
Let go of the outcome. When Spirit overrides your plans to allow for healing, observe like an impartial observer. Don't judge. Don't despair. Just give it Time.
As you heal, you may gently resume earthly tasks and projects.
Don't worry if you aren't able to work for whatever reason. You are the first priority, and then, you can make up for it later with extra hours worked.
Once you see the direction your healing is going, thank everyone, on the planet and beyond, for their assistance and let them know how you love and appreciate them!!!
Give it time.
This is how miracles happen. It's not just a 'poof!'--it's a Process....
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple
