This is a really hard lesson to describe.
It's also a painful one.
I'm in the middle of it.
Imagine trying to heal a two thousand year old wound?
Let's begin.
Recently, I'd say within the last six months, I negotiated with Ross. I wasn't happy, the relationship really is difficult over the dimensions, and in the past, well, my heart was demolished in just about every way imaginable--he gave away my son and told me he died during childbirth (was stillborn), he wandered all over the globe away from home and family, he 'wasn't true' and brought home a horrible venereal disease to me, and died a horrible death that I tried with every fibre of my body to prevent but he just wouldn't listen.
I walk around with a lot of pain.
But in my negotiations, I explained how our relationship had two or three areas that I really needed to improve before we get back together according to the plan: number 1--I need a solid target to direct my affection towards, not some amorphous 'cloud' of 'consciousness', since I am human, and number 2--I need the skill to be able to talk about my feelings in real time, I'm not good at this in relationship (writing is another story lol! I excel at it there).
Ross is extremely reasonable and fair, especially now that we are past that old life, and has me on the accelerated healing path.
Somehow, after our discussion, I find I am in a situation where there is distance, lots of similarity in how Ross' personality is, enough to make me have newfound compassion for him, and little bits of talking, here and there that are incredibly healing for me. With no plan or outcome or expectation in sight.
Many of my deepest wounds are healing in this situation. The horror of not being able to trust another human, ingrained in me since I was in the crib...it's loosening up and my heart is able to attach properly again. The way God intended it. The way it is all of our birth right.
I'm gently being guided to learn that my past, no matter how terrifying or traumatic it has been, is okay to leave in the past. It doesn't show. And it's okay for me to move forward and to forget about it.
I am able to say, 'I might do these strange and weird things because I have been traumatized and I'm learning how to heal and to interact in a normal fashion, kind of like catch up growth'--and then I move forward in complete and total acceptance of friendship, a very deep connection, on a soul level that is hard to explain.
I am being brought up to the skill set that on a soul level, I feel I need to meet this minimum criterion before I can interact with Ross face to face when that eventual time comes. This is mutual, by Ross and me, and I can sense it because lately I see messages like, 'your guardian angel never leaves you'. He's trying his part on it too.
For me, I am holding on for dear life as we go through these lessons together, me and my guides, because just as I make one massive healing (last weekend) I move on to the next one (distance again without reassurance or connection of any kind). The other lesson superimposed on this, is that Anthony is growing up, literally, working full time, and at one point is going to either go away to school or start his own life...it's sad because the happiest and most fulfilled I ever have been was when he was very little. And now, even though I don't have the energy I used to have and I know I couldn't take care of him that way indefinitely...I need to re-evaluate who I am, what my life is now and how I want it to be...until I go Home or Reunite with Ross in the physical.
So here is what came through the last two weeks: friends! Friends supply the love from 360 degrees around us. 24/7.
I felt it.
The love coming through as if it was from Heaven, strong, caring, capable, and connected.
We really ARE One.
Can I give examples? Yes. I discovered a wealth of photos of someplace I've only dreamed to go, Niagara Falls, and it helped me through long hours in the O.R. to look and enjoy them and comment on them with this dear friend. I have daily texts from people who provide stability and support and structure in my otherwise chaotic life. I even am reaching out to my half-brother we found, actually who found us, through DNA tests. It's nice to know he's there and get acquainted. Even if it is weird my dad had a kid before our family and he was adopted out and nobody knew.
These connections are treasures, in good times and in bad times, and if I had been in relationship with anyone, especially a soul connection like Ross, I wouldn't be able to appreciate them.
Which brings me to the most difficult and painful part of this complex, multi-faceted lesson: learning to love ourselves as Creator loves us.
We are God's kids!
And in our society, it's especially difficult because there's pressure to become 'service to self' but we are naturally from Heaven designed to be 'service to others'. It's a twist on the norm of 'looking out for number one'.
We can't be fully present in any situation--with friends or partnership--until we can be completely able to fill our own needs and be happy with ourselves.
For me, it's a little difficult because there's one skill set my soul is really good at, I've had several lifetimes practicing it, and you need a deep soul connection and a partner. In this life I would love to be able to continue the growth, to pick up where I'd left off, and move forward with that exploration of the Divine Mysteries.
That's not possible.
And it's important to heal the wounds, and to reinforce and strengthen the ability to provide physical (food, clothing), emotional, mental, and spiritual support to me.
So, today is practice. That's what's on the agenda. Anthony goes to his dad. And I'm not working. I have plans to go somewhere alone and have a lot of fun and just relax. I need to. Thirty-four years ago today I walked down the aisle. I need to celebrate being away from that horrible marriage. I need to honor myself for all the lessons I've been able to learn and heal since that time. Including being able to heal like this meme shows:
It took so many years to address the damage that had been done, to learn to self-regulate, and to take back my power in relationship. Why has this been so important to me? Because I want to be responsible for my healing. I want to be the very best ME I can be--nobody is perfect of course--to everyone I meet! It is a terrible weight on my shoulders to be doing things out of unconscious reaction and trying to avoid pain from old wounds. That only seems to perpetuate more wounds both in ourselves and others!
Ross says to bring yourself flowers. To do this and to do this often. Not only to make yourself feel better, but to encourage you along your healing path, and for you to absolutely celebrate all the progress you've achieved.
I have a reminder of every milestone I make, and it's on a bracelet. Each little part reminds me of a major growth step I've taken. Celebrating this year, at New Year's Eve, with people, even though I could catch Covid, and I probably did...telling my worst secret and being able to be accepted...honoring my past as a Cinderella (I was treated in a horribly cruel fashion and yet my core personality remains 'nice' and 'kind')...and even being able to hope for a future.
Do your very best to be spotless and blameless...not in having lived in a bubble and experienced nothing! Be spotless and blameless by knowing yourself, truly, inside and out. And in loving yourself. If you have patterns or habits that bring you down, energetically, make new patterns to avoid them. We have this gift, this generous hope, every minute we are born. Walk the path where you used to have arguments only this time with a smile and a loving heart. Bring things to harmony within you. Push yourself to reach your goals beyond your wildest dreams. Lean on spirit. And learn to negotiate with your teams on the lessons which are important to you.
There isn't much time, really, life goes by quick, and there's lots of changes going on in the world around us. But...don't be too hard on yourself either for we have infinite incarnations to 'get it right'. Just know that sweeping your areas of growth under the carpet and ignoring them is perhaps not in your best interest given the current situation, and whenever possible, do your very best to examine the moment, all your feelings in it, and grow.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple who are of the same soul
