Last night as I was falling asleep, I gave thanks, because one week ago was my surgery. Falling asleep the night before was very difficult, not only because of the difficulty breathing, but in facing the unknown.
I suffer from anxiety. And last week I really put to the test the lessons learned. I kept telling myself, 'I am okay now', because I was. Nothing was there actually hurting me. I knew the hurting time would be the i.v. placement. Then after that, medications would take me through the surgery, and afterwards to deal with the unknown.
If you suffer from anxiety, practice this. Stay in the here and now. Have a plan A and plan B for 'what is the worst thing that could happen' but don't dwell on those thoughts. Put into use Somatic Experiencing taught by Peter Levine--your body is strong and it's with you. Tap on it when you get nervous--it will reassure you.
One week later, I have a little trouble coughing (it pulls on the stitches), and eating (I get full really fast, I eat less than half of what I used to eat). There is a spot of pain in one leg, in a calf muscle, hopefully it's not a clot. The stitches come out today.
I've had time to rest, which I've needed so much. And remarkably, I've been having dreams--many--including some high tech ones where Vladimir Putin was in it, and I was some sort of spy, then I flipped to being an anesthesiologist having to do surgery in a white van, but the equipment was old, and the oxygen tanks weren't right or full, and I almost lost a patient...
But yesterday morning, I woke up with Spirit telling me to wear Blue Zircon, blue zircon, blue zircon....
These were the earrings that I bought to commemorate my mother's passing. It's her birthstone and they bring me closer to her. So I put them on. And they make things feel better! Remember I am very sensitive to subtle energies, and also, to the energies in crystals and healing. I looked up zircon. Usually it's not blue. It's heat treated to make it that color. But it has birefringence so it's very shiny when it's cut well. It throws back lots of light that hits it.
I looked it up in my book. I love my updated edition by Melody. I have bought other books on crystals, but none of them resonate with me. Only what she says really touches my soul. And zircon is a stone of 'putting everything together' in the spirit, in physical, mental, emotional realms. And making great progress in one's spiritual growth.
Here is an example of the synthesis in my own self as an example.
My mom's cousin buried her son yesterday. He had died on Valentine's day. He was only fifty.
The florist messed up, and I ended up sending flowers to the home from all three of my mom's girls--and she was overwhelmed by the kindness.
Eric had died of testicular cancer.
For those of you in medical circles, this is the number one most successfully treated cancer in the world.
Why did he die?
First of all, he was late to present to the hospital and medical system for healing. And second, he didn't have insurance or money to pay. He was basically homeless, his mother said. He lived in a house he inherited, but had no regular job or family.
By the time he got the surgery, his testicle was as big as a melon!
And it spread.
He needed nephrostomy tubes because of local advancement of the disease blocking urine flow.
He went first to his parents, but felt better and went back to his house, and when he got worse, his father came and picked him up and drove him home to be with them (four hours drive away). But his insurance was with Los Angeles county. It wasn't honored far away. And there was nobody to fill out the forms.
So they let him die. His mother tried everything, calling, writing, to get him the care he needed. But it was too late. Tearfully, she told me that she saw him 'turn into a bone' (six feet, ninety seven pounds). She said whatever he ate seemed to fuel whatever was eating him...
Eric did some kind of icky things online and was famous for it. The money from it was long gone. He loved his family, he was a good son. Just, um, 'different'.
I remembered that there had been incest in that family, grandpa (father) to mom (daughter). Lots of it. It hit me like a ton of bricks--what if it had happened grandpa to grandson? That would explain a lot of things, wouldn't it?
OMG.
I remember being a little mixed up myself. How can I explain it? One of my best friends in medical school was an intern. She was so pretty that you would just 'stare at her' another intern said. Beautiful, fun, full of life--she had been a hospice nurse and went back to medical school. Spirit had told her, BE A DOCTOR! and she said, 'I can't!' and it kept repeating until she realized that was what she needed to do.
We went to lots of Renaissance Faires together. It was fun.
I kind of learned later she was also not only 'kink aware' but a dominatrix too. She had wanted to invite me to parties. I couldn't 'play' with her, I just couldn't. She had someone who wanted to 'play' with me too, a male, but he was kind of creepy on the vibe. So I never once went to any of those events.
It was self-preservation. I knew my professional reputation was important. And that I could get hurt by weird people.
She gave me a book to read on my honeymoon, when I got married to Frank. We married in January, but the honeymoon was delayed until May. It was all about 'chocolate' instead of 'vanilla'. I found the book interesting, and encouraged Frank to experiment with me.
Frank said, 'no, absolutely not, not way, nada'.
In a way, my marriage was over.
But also, in a way, my marriage to Ross had just begun. It was setting the stage for healing to take place for things I had no idea had ever happened.
I remember during the marriage, having a ballet friend take me to a sex shop with her as her 'wing man' because she was bored and in menopause--and I remembered an eerie familiarity with the bondage equipment. It felt so natural, like coming home...
In THIS lifetime, there's no history. Not like that. But in the immediate past lifetime...
If I had been able to do those things, again, I would have been just as lost as in that past lifetime. We do what we are taught, we do what we do, and we don't think about it. Not when we are in the control of TWDNHOBIAH.
But Spirit cares about us enough, to gently, ever so gently, show us our flaws, our shortcomings, our sins--yes I dare to use that word--because it means simply--our distances from our most divine selves--so we can HEAL. We can make a choice. We don't have to be like that any more. We are FREE. Our Freedom was bought and paid for by you-know-who a long time ago. We just have to accept it.
Remember, TWDNHOBIAH have certain ways, and they operate just below our ability to sense danger--they are slow and make lots of little changes. Someone posted a photo today, that said if God doesn't intervene soon he is going to have to apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah.
Well, in our study last night, it was Ezekiel, very short, but helpful, God was telling Ezekiel that he was sending him to live 'among scorpions' because, 'his people were rebellious'--but to 'eat what God gives him'. God wanted a prophet to go to his people to wake them up.
How timely is this for all of us here, right? the fallen rebellious ones are running the show, just like the inpatients running the insane asylum, and it's not fun at all just like living in a scorpion patch!
Be mindful of what you 'eat'--not just food, but what you watch, read, listen to, and think about. Remember Nature is very healing and high vibration. Things of this world are, um, under the planning committee of TWDNHOBIAH.
If you along the way, discover your own sin, remember God loves us so much more, and wants us close in heart to Divine Creator. It's better to know than to not know. And it's always better to heal when the chance is given. It's been eight years now almost with Ross. I didn't exactly make the connections I did until just last night and this morning. Perversion isn't normal. Look at how Nature operates for guidance on what is normal.
Be careful what you eat. Protect your families as best as you can. Your friends too. And learn every lesson possible while you are incarnate. They are priceless!
Ross is smiling big! And nodding in agreement.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The couple
