Ross wanted me to write.
I didn't want to write. I thought I did. But I looked through my email for a class I'm excited to take tomorrow. It's beginning Sicilian. It runs twelve weeks, and I'm good to wake up at seven in the morning to take it.
Classes have been very important to me lately. I'm in Beginning Astrology with my Reiki teacher Anne Reith, PhD. Just now I watched the galette and ravioli segments of my Alice Waters Master Class, a gift from Ross to me for Christmas two years ago that I've never finished.
I absolutely love listening to Alice and watching her cook.
Tomorrow I signed up for yet another class! It's by Peter Levine, and it's about emotional healing over Covid. For caregivers and patients. He's an excellent teacher.
So I can look forward to Sicilian, Astrology (I have to make it up because I missed the lecture), and Covid tomorrow.
If you look at the photo above, at the base of my neck, you will see how large my thyroid is. I had been checking it, as it was large, maybe six years ago. I was terrified. If it was removed, then I'd need medicine all my life, and when the SHTF, I could die if I didn't have my thyroid replacement.
Besides, I had to think of Anthony. And my work didn't want me to take time off for surgery.
Now I can't breathe.
My trachea is displaced to the right. Every breath I take tugs on the thyroid. My trachea is partially compressed. I can't get a good deep breath, and I haven't been able to do that for months. Now, when I sleep, I work so hard to breathe...to get the air in and out...there's no little pause between breaths like I'm used to taking.
I've tested my sats in the OR, they are good. But I'm tired.
So, with this full moon, the balance was between Spirit and Health (Pisces and Virgo). It was powerful. I decided two weeks ago to get rid of the problem. It's okay for the thyroid to go. And I sought treatment.
It's possible to take pills and the thyroid to shrink. But I have trouble breathing and swallowing. I hold my head funny. So I found the courage to take care of my health.
I told both my works I have to do what I have to do and I'll be back.
The new one said, 'health comes first, you shouldn't have to apologize!' (I had promised four days and possibly more). Hearing that was so healing!
Why? I told my boss and my scheduler I can't breathe, and they talked about the coverage. Plus my boss took the weekend off, a four day weekend, and I had to work post-call because of it! And in my room, the case before mine, was a special cash procedure, so the next in line boss took THAT and made me do the less lucrative cases.
I never went home last night. I just stayed at the hospital. Exhausted by eleven p.m. (my bedtime is eight thirty). I 'slept' in the call room which isn't restful, until seven a.m.
I was so glad to come home.
Today, after classes, I took Anthony to a fancy grocery store, where we got hot meals, and took them to the beach for a picnic. It was such a nice meal, I didn't need dinner. I had turkey, stuffing, potatoes, gravy, and cranberry sauce. Even a small slice of pumpkin cheesecake.
We just lay on the beach after we ate. No walking. And the water was too cold to even walk in it. But I came back so rested, so peaceful, it made a world of difference to us both.
Surgery is in a few days.
I'm not exactly looking forward to it.
But I know I can't keep on like this. The nights are the worst of all. As long as I'm sitting up its better.
Ross wants me to explain how I feel.
I feel detached. Like I'm in both worlds.
With my pituitary surgery years ago, I realized there are two kinds of things in this world--life, death and forever type of things--and everything else. I didn't want to be bothered by everything else. That's the lesson of the pituitary, energetically--finding your purpose. And the courage to live it.
I had surgery on a large fibroid that was pushing on my colon in 2012. Immediately I felt better after the removal. But then, I couldn't have any more kids. My fertility stopped--even though I tried to save it. So many emotions too process. The reality was harsh. Yet, in the month off, I had some special times, and also got Doctors With Reiki on Facebook and Twitter and stuff really off to a good start. Over time my feelings are more accepting of What Is, and fortunately the next year I truly 'met' Ross and our renewed relationship began.
He's been quiet. He promises me more joy than I could ever imagine. He speaks of good things. For myself all I want is to be able to breathe again.
But with this detachment, I see what a lie everything is, how it's like a big movie. At the hospital we are all playing our roles to help people, but it's part of a 'show' that has been organized by TWDNHOBIAH. We think it's 'real', but it isn't. And when I went to the pharmacy, it's next to the Maxine Central. I saw lines and lines of elderly 'taking it for the team' when it's really to 'save themselves'. People are trading their sovereignty from her, for the promise that 'they won't die if they catch it'. Never mind that this has just come up out of the blue, with such a fast convenient 'offering' to fix the problem.
It felt like a bad movie.
So, in a way, I'm taking in what I see and hear, and experience, like a movie, and I'm appreciating the good.
When I take opioid pain medicine, I itch. Bad. I itched bad when I was pregnant too, because that melanin thing that makes that line on your tummy has a byproduct metabolized that is like opioid. When I took Tramadol I couldn't stop itching. I scratched everywhere, all the time, like a monkey.
Last surgery I needed the opioids for the pain. But this time, I'll do my best to hold back on it. Because of the itching.
Will you please send Reiki and Healing and prayers, to help me through this? For our whole family to work through this? Until it is needed no more. I appreciate it.
Ross says I have said enough.
If you don't hear from Ross and me for a while, you'll know why.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Twins
