Ross wants me to share a moment I had yesterday, with you.
I was sitting in pre-op holding, in an empty patient bay, waiting for my surgeon to arrive and to mark the patient.
I remembered the struggle. I remembered the hopes, the excitement, the volunteer hours in the pediatric emergency room in Oakland, California, the efforts, the struggles, the dream...
Here is was. Looking around, was all of the official conventional (allopathic) medicine things, in a place where allopathic medicine is practiced, and--I'm getting paid to do this work!
It felt good.
Sometimes we need to realize that even through our dreams can suck the life energy out of us, and thrash us mentally, physically, and emotionally like a turbulent river--sometimes we get what we want, and that in itself is a blessing, a wonderful wonderful blessing.
In the photo here, this is cardiac surgery taking place. I have the training to do the anesthesia for it. It takes very long hours. Our cardiac guy was in surgery eight hours for one case that should have taken four, and the computer kept showing it going longer and longer.
I don't do hearts anymore, and I don't do OB anesthesia. Careers change over time. But can I still run all of the equipment in the photo there that you see?
Absolutely.
And if it wasn't for lifestyle, I'd still be doing it today.
One day my days in the operating room will have a dreamlike quality and be in my past.
Our Covid numbers at our hospital are the lowest they've been in a month or two, which is good.
We have had more people quit the group. For better lifestyle. The people who were taking heavy OB call loads both are leaving. In the middle of the night, since they are in house, they do the elective intubations (not CODE BLUE). They have been up all night and doing the Covid intubations because no other anesthesiologist is around. It's not worth it to them.
I've seen more people quit medicine and retire over the coronavirus.
I've seen lots of people 'save their own skin' and get medical letters so they can stay home, I know people who have taken time off--all of the leave they had. But the bug is here for longer than that, and when they come back, it's totally awkward. It's poignant.
Another repercussion of the Covid is that medical supplies are in short supply. For example, everyone wants to be as far from the mouth when they intubate, so they use a video camera device called a Glide Scope. Well, size four blade is a disposable unit that fits onto the camera. It works for everyone. There are two sizes available, three and four. And size four is on backorder...for everyone...everywhere.
Our surgical gowns are on backorder. They come in different sizes, regular, large, extra-large. Not now. It's only one size. The regular ones are on backorder.
We had the personal protective equipment. But each piece now is of poor quality, compared to what was standard. The bonnet caps are so thin you can see through them, and with my long hair, I need two. If I wear one the mask straps make it ride up and my hair is exposed. Instead of the blue wipes to clean my hands, there is a dispenser of sanitizer stuck to the wall. Sanitizer doesn't remove organic materials. So yesterday my anesthesia tech found the wipes we use to prepare surgical patients, like a bath wipe, and put them in the workspace for when I need to clean a mess on myself and can't get to the sink.
Times change. We adapt. And we grow.
I know I am needed by my patients, by my colleagues, by my anesthesia group. Yesterday surgeon, nurse, scrub tech and I thanked one another for a beautiful day. Nice music. Terrific teamwork. Happy patients. It was good.
Ross
Carla has a late start today. To be honest she would have preferred a day off, but this is as good as it gets. She was permitted to sleep to her hearts content, at least, until I woke her and asked her to share her thoughts from the heart from yesterday's mini-'awakening'.
Carla is happy in her profession. She enjoys what she does and the people she meets.
Last night, Carla was overwhelmed when she came home. It was late, it was dark, and she forced herself to go to the local grocery store to pick up some greeting cards. Her neighbors recently celebrated their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, and they help her with Anthony. She also bought them a bottle of champagne. They had shown interest in face shields, and Carla had dutifully saved her daily ones and cleaned them with disinfectant before giving them her gifts.
It was enjoyable talking with the neighbors in the night air.
But when she got back, instead of being able to relax and call it a night, Carla tried to feed the snake who didn't want to eat. (She tossed the white mouse onto the green belt over the fence--someone will find a way to eat it and it has its chance to be free).
Then Carla remembered her friend Melody who is on hospice, and had asked her to call. After nine Carla left a voicemail, and will call her again.
No wonder why when Carla saw the first star last night, she wished with all her heart, for a better life. Not just for her, but for everyone.
I asked her what she meant, while she was wishing it. To clarify?
She said she wanted more control of her time, and better use of her gifts. To be without that horrible pressure from the outside, from the 'invisible hand' that is guiding society which to her looks 'off of a cliff'...in her heart Carla emphasized that there has to be MORE than this, and that the dark ones have provided ample opportunity for painful lessons, and perhaps, in time, such lessons won't be needed any more and people could be spared so much of the pain and be permitted to experience more joy and loving in their daily life.
I heard her.
I was listening.
I am doing all I can to make things right again.
Carla what was your dinner last night?
C: a chunk of French bread. No plate. A little brie cheese or camembert, with currant breadstick/crackers--again, no plate. Strawberries, fresh. With a plate. And a glass of limoncello.
Carla was it enough?
C: I suppose.
Was it festive?
C: No, absolutely not.
Was it lonely?
C: It's not like we were having our date night. I sensed you but we weren't talking or anything. I was just watching X22 and ready for bed.
Is that the kind of life you had envisioned for yourself when you were little? Or even when you were considering medicine?
C: No. Absolutely not. Never in my life did I imagine my life would be like this.
Again, what is the life you have envisioned for you?
C: A home, and family, like how I grew up.
What is happening now?
C: a colleague is texting me. She doesn't want to come in from home. She is one of the ones who quit. And she wants me to relieve her when I finish at the surgery center. I don't know what I'm going to do, or when I will finish. She's totally wasting my time. I'm not promising her anything.
Why?
C: Because it's total dog-eat dog out there, and if I don't stick up for myself, people will take advantage of me.
What happened at your work yesterday?
C: I was available to do a case and could have done it but Call 1 was pressuring the nurse to save it for him. He made the surgeon wait forty-five minutes so he could 'finish the other case first' that was 'close to finishing' so he could make the money. And I had to wait almost four hours, unpaid, to do one last case.
Is that why you got home so late?
C: Yes. I had to change clothes.
What did you do in those four hours?
C: try to get the surgeon to move up the case. He couldn't. Caught up on emails, mostly. Bought something on clearance from SurLaTable. And I selected what was to go in my produce box next week.
I also ate an early dinner, heating up my leftover curry rice at four thirty.
Did your colleague know you were aware of what he was doing?
C: Yes, I looked through the window to the O.R. and we made eye contact. He isn't normal and I wasn't going to engage because if I fight with him the nurses write it up, and I look bad. The nurses wrote his behavior up, and I looked like a team player with the nurses.
Is this what you thought when you chose medicine?
C: NO! No! Absolutely not! I thought I would heal people, and take the time to give them what they need without any rush or outside interference. As it is, even our own lecture series topics are selected to help our numbers go up and influence us as a group of physicians at the hospital. Everything is controlled. It's sad
How would you make it better?
C: Throw the whole thing out and do what YOU do, with your advanced equipment and techniques.
Would you like to learn how it is done?
C: YES! Even if I had to go through another internship and residency. If it would make my life better, and that of my patients and colleagues better, I would pay YOU to let me do it! I really would.
Only if it was a short-term training, and didn't take years like it did the first time for your internship, residency, and fellowship?
C: As long as I was paid enough to pay my bills, I wouldn't care how long it would take, as long as I'm out of what is going on in my world now.
Enough said.
Carla show them the Schumann( link removed)
Show them Lissa Rankin's article link here to open to read it. What happened to her?
C: She was an OB GYN who got burnt out, big time, and got into some business deal with Louise Hay and is now famous. I'm not sure if she's making enough to support herself. She and her husband divorced. She has a daughter who I imagine is a young lady now.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and CArla
Thank you for letting us help you to THINK about what is going on, in the world around you, and in your hearts...
P.S. here is her boss' say on it--the unhappy one kicked it upstairs, and this is what she got.
Carla is call 12
Vicky is call 13.
Carla, after you finish your ASC , as call 12, you should check with OR if you are needed to do a case or to relieve your lower ranked colleague.
Vicky, we don’t know exactly what time the ASC colleagues will finish!!!
Apparently they are working on opening the room between 9:00-9:30.
Carla is starting at 9:30 for 3 cases , and the time of the surgeon is unpredictable.
So you need to report to the hospital, you cannot day, it takes me an hour. If it does, you should be on your way. They are calling you earlier to inform you.
Carla is not expecting to finish before 11:00
