I really really like this picture. It's an old-fashioned camera. My nana had one like this when I was very little. It took excellent photos. But when you were the subject you had to hold really still.
I've been talking a lot with both Creator and Ross lately.
I will give an example:
Two of the worst experiences I'd ever had with my mother, were at four and one half, when my new baby sister came home with mom from the hospital, I'd worn my favorite yellow dress with black trim with white polka dots. It was a summer dress. It was February. So the weather was cold. I put an undershirt, a simple white tee, underneath for warmth.
With the flurry of excitement on their arrival, out of everyone's eye (grandparents, both sides, Dad), mom pulled me aside. She got her face down to my eye level. And she was angry and upset. She said, menacingly, 'how could you ever wear anything so ugly on such an important day?'
I was crushed. Not only had I not had any help picking my clothes, from Dad or grandparents, but for the first time I had actually dressed myself completely. I didn't know there was a way to make clothing look 'pretty' or 'right' or 'correct'. I'd chosen my favorite.
About a year, a year and one half later, I was sitting in my mom's lap, and my baby sister pushed me off so she could sit. Mom laughed it off. It was the last time I remember ever sitting on her lap. It was also the last time I ever experienced warmth from my mother.
They asked me about situations that had troubled me in my childhood.
This was what came up.
I've been studying a lot about narcissists lately.
So they asked me to apply what I'd learned.
I started at the beginning, everything had been cool between mom and me up until the baby. Then something changed.
Through questions I was asked, I was able to see that I was unplanned, and yet the new one was a product of the ego because mom had decided to get pregnant and did.
Mom unfortunately saw more of 'herself' in the baby, and this was her new 'supply'.
Her angry words to me were because what other people thought of her through what I wore was more important to her than my feelings. Again this is not the trait of a healthy, mentally balanced mother.
The healing was in that Ross and Creator showed me that mom would have behaved in this manner to anyone in my place. It wasn't really to me, even though it hurt.
And they emphasized that I am just as worthy of love now, as I was then, and nothing on Earth can change that, not even a mother who really dropped the ball and ruined our relationship time and again, starting on that day.
Ross wants me to share another painful memory with you.
I'd found the love of my life, I was going to get married. My mom had been busy so my Aunt Edna had gone wedding dress shopping with me.
I'd gone shopping for the prom with my mom, who was businesslike and distracted, but made sure I had the right accessories to go with my dress, even though I never even thought to ask.
But for my wedding dress, the next day, when she drove me there to order it?
Mom was cold, cold, cold. I actually started crying in the car, and exclaimed, 'you don't even want to be here!' There was no motherly love for me in her heart. I could tell. And I didn't even want to go. She had to pull over for me to collect myself. It was the perfect dress, and not too expensive as far as dresses go.
It was a very businesslike, solemn transaction. There was no joy.
I did what I needed to do to get it done. I buried my feelings. I thanked mom profusely. I took care of her needs instead of my own.
Again, money was tight. I knew it. I'd asked mom and dad to give me a budget, but they didn't. I would have been able to spend within our means. After the wedding I felt so guilty that my husband and I gave half of our wedding dance money to them to help pay for the wedding. We had collected three thousand dollars in 1988. That was a lot of money. And mom and dad never even said one word of thanks for the money we shared.
I can see now the pattern again, not wanting me to look pretty, taking no joy in it, there was no kindness, no caring no love.
But there was backstabbing. They had rented a tuxedo for my sister's boyfriend (now husband). And never told me. It was as if I was to just not notice at my own wedding where I had planned everything down to the smallest detail! If they would have asked I would have said 'of course!'. But they didn't.
What I have learned is that my parents groomed me to fall in love with an abuser. In learning to cope with their upbringing, I didn't gain certain much-needed social skills like being able to ask for my needs (or even know what they are) or assert boundaries. I also was conditioned to tolerate abuse. And not to walk away.
So husband number one (mom said she had a bad feeling about him that's why she was mean to me), we were incredibly close. Until his mom said to 'put his foot down with me'. Then it got ugly. In hindsight, he hated his mother and never healed and took it out on me.
Husband number two, no passion, just compatibility...had also a traumatic upbringing and didn't heal. His father drank the paycheck and his mother stole bread for them to eat and got arrested for stealing bread. He was kind enough to others. But in a close, personal relationship, and my not even knowing how to be healthy, it got really ugly. Like, me on the floor in a fetal position, crying uncontrollably, bad. He'd lied to me about his debt, it was a lot. Scary a lot. And I insisted he did a credit payoff program or I'd leave. In the end my therapist suspected he was bipolar. I didn't even cry once we split. I enjoyed the freedom. I'd already cried my tears...
So, what's different now?
I took nearly twenty years off from 'relationships' after Anthony's father left me when I was four months pregnant.
I knew I couldn't handle it.
Now, I've been picking up the pieces, and gaining interpersonal skills. It's wonderful to have better working conditions. And a few days off here and there.
As I face this Thanksgiving, I have a lot to be thankful for: understanding that what happened to me would have happened to anybody. And that what happened to me has no bearing on my value as a person. Furthermore, what happened or didn't happen--the skills can be gained at any time--it's never too late.
It's really really hard to learn to love yourself.
I've been jealous at times of animals, because they have a strong sense of integrity and dignity. You can just tell. Cats, dogs, birds, lizards, anything, has this consciousness and you can tell they respect themselves.
Today I have joy.
Yesterday I had the first day where I realized I am lovable, and believed it, the whole day. And it didn't matter who validated me, because other's can't give that belief to you no matter how hard you try. I should know I've spent a lifetime trying.
Ross and Creator helped me see that my Nana and Nannu always loved me, and treated me with kindness and respect. They weren't crazy. They were good people.
And I remembered long ago, in my training both as a chemical engineer and a physician--I always valued the respect and admiration of those I respected. I knew others to weigh their opinions a little less if they weren't people that had my respect and admiration. It was just data in that case, to act on it, but not to let it affect my self-esteem.
So I applied it to my family. And to who had my respect and admiration from their consistency. And who perhaps was a little short-sighted, and didn't understand the Big Picture because they were a little too focused on themselves (my parents). They did the best they could. And caused a lot of damage to me. But they are both gone now. They can't damage me worse. I can heal.
I think this is an important insight to arm yourself with going into the holidays. Family can be difficult!
Work on your ability to understand. And give yourself time and space and time with Creator and Ross...you will find your way to joy. A quiet little warm feeling in your heart. You won't need to feel sorry for yourself because the past is gone. The future you can create. One that is welcoming and warm and loving.
For this let us give thanks!
clap! clap!
Aloha and mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Twins
