Pardon me as I search to find the words to describe something pertaining to my emotions, my most delicate part.
Children are highly resilient. Their natural tendency, as well as the grueling teasing that they survive on the playground at school growing up, is to assimilate. Everything is normal and I fit in.
Even Monarch type programming takes advantage of this need to be unified, whole, and present as 'normal' to society. The scars are heinous deep within the psyche, and yet, the healing mechanism inside the mind will bury the horrific memories even from its own consciousness. That is how we get 'buried memories' and 'dissociative' states...
Yet, on a deeper level, there is always some form of 'cry for help'.
If the child is told never to tell what they did, then, perhaps, they will act it out, or draw it over and over and over again. The family might never make the connection between the trauma and the behavior, but the unconscious is trying and trying to heal even though the damage is running in the background and the individual isn't actually aware of what is happening.
We manifest our minds...in our appearance, in our surroundings, in our belongings, and in our way we run our lives. Some people take this to extremes and become a bit rigid and controlling perhaps...that way no one would ever guess about the mess that is inside.
I've kind of felt like this one my whole life. Even to the point where someone who is totally well-groomed and put together isn't attractive to me. I like a little scruffy and if possible, at least one flaw...
I've been sharing with you about all the deep inner work I've been doing.
It's as slow as molasses and takes lots of time.
Factors that have been helping is Anthony growing up and moving away, and also, work having less traumatic hours so I have a little free time to enjoy life a little.
It also is helpful that my family drama has diminished significantly.
There is a pattern I've been noticing as I go through my belongings, deciding what to keep and what to let go. Overriding this all is my new awareness of my need to be surrounded by beauty and serenity. My mind is wanting to have organization and harmony, and this gives me the strength to go at my own pace to start getting rid of things I no longer need or use.
The pattern I'm discovering is that I purchased a lot of reminders to prove to myself that I am loved.
Slogans on art 'I loved you before and I love you still, I always have and I always will', or 'You are Loved'.
Nice jewelry. Lots of photos of me with my own small family. Keeping photos of the whole family. Cute stuffed animals and things like Hello Kitty designs.
It's all the same, smiling, reaffirming, objects I bought for myself.
Why?
Because for the longest time I didn't believe it.
Not deep down, on a soul level.
And Spirit has been trying and trying to get me to make the connection. Even back thirty years ago, when I was introduced to Al Anon and I was learning to pick up pieces of my own development and growth that all adult children of alcoholics lack in their family of origin...there was a delightful woman, a sponsor to many, who proudly exclaimed, 'I am God's Kid!'
I told myself that. Over and over for all these years.
It wasn't until recently that I actually FELT IT.
God is in charge of my life.
Everything is going to be okay.
A long time ago I had thought being pregnant meant that you were loved. Nothing could be farther from the truth of my experience...I had to go through it as a single mom to realize that it only means that you are pregnant. (my baby and I love each other, and God blessed me in sending me a child, immensely). It wasn't love from the father, that's my point.
Being married doesn't mean you are loved. I've done that twice.
I was going through my belongings, and I saw the pattern, and I said to myself, wow! My subconscious has been screaming for attention and care, and even though by baby steps I've been gradually taking better and better care of myself, this has been the hardest lesson for me yet!
Inside now, I feel better. I feel relaxed and calm. I remember how much energy I'd expended keeping my buried memory hidden from age four till twenty six. It was a huge relief, energetically, even though the memory itself was really painful when it came up.
God has a plan for me that is good.
And even though Hope is right, Hope Johnson, that all of this is illusion. And even though the messages of John Smallman emphasize we are awakening and none of this we are experiencing is REAL...it's nice to let go and accept the fact that in all of this illusion, deep down, all there is is love. Unconditional love. And not only are we love and everything around us is Love...we are loved for who we are--whatever that is!--both inside and outside of the Illusion of Life on Earth as we know it.
That's all I have to say for today.
If you are struggling, don't beat yourself up for 'not getting it'. The damage we experience, the psychological damage, is real. The pain hurts. It makes it difficult to function. We do our best to get through.
Everything is happening for the best. Everything is going to be okay. We are actors in some movie and we aren't really sure what is going on here on the set. But our Director is a genius. And the Producers and good.
So show up every morning, do your best with whatever resources you have been given, and enjoy making the show.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Twins
