We always move forward. Even at times when that movement slows down to a crawl, and we'd rather pull the blanket over our heads and stay in bed!
There's been a lot of inner healing and movement going on inside of me, and also, similar around others who are close to me. It's kind of like what has been hidden and accepted in order to survive, psychologically, is now out in the open and glaringly apparent.
There's no mistaking it for something else...
Here is a link to guide you, if you are interested, to a quiz on attachment styles that is a free quiz: the attachment project
With awareness, you can heal.
Wow! I was posting this link to a five love languages quiz and there are three more free quizzes! on Apology, Appreciation at work, and Anger!
I wasn't surprised that mine is physical touch.
I've always been big on self-help and self-growth. I encourage learning and improving in myself and others. But that being said, I was thrown for a loop and it took me several days to get over that stunned feeling and recover my composure. For me, it was the actual realization of how awful--emotionally--my past had been. Plus, even more embarrassingly, how obvious it was for others at the same time it was not obvious to me.
What got me through? It was a little complicated because along with this emotional crash, I had a physical illness that took a lot out of me too. A really bad cold. The kind with headache and sore throat, and being super sleepy. I had to take care of first things first--I didn't even cook and I was taking two extra naps a day. Then I needed fresh air and sunshine. And at one point, I wanted donuts.
Did I see a doctor? No. Anthony had been a few days ahead of me in the illness, and he recovered. I knew if I got signs of pneumonia then I'd seek treatment. Antibiotics are so hard to get from primary care these days, they tell you to do what I was doing, heal on your own.
For what stirred things up for me, I'm staying with the course I'm taking with Morgan Moppells finding love after trauma. It's good because she teaches you how to identify when you are flipping out emotionally, to regulate, and to communicate. This helps to heal the attachment style. And also I have a workbook from the attachment project people.
Perhaps the hardest truth for me, is that everything I ever thought was 'love' (with the exception of Ross and my teams) was 'limerence'. Limerence is when the trauma you were exposed to was so bad, that you look to others to 'save you' and 'if you just get one date with that person everything is going to be okay'. l
It's foolish to go into relationship with core needs unmet/wounded and looking to the 'other' to fulfill them. It's just going to be another repeat of your past relationships where your subconscious and their subconscious were trying to 'fix trauma history'. For me, the most accurate truth was when my friend who was a recovered alcoholic said, 'Carla, when you get the butterflies over someone and feel attracted to them, you should RUN the opposite way!' That was eighteen years ago. At least I didn't follow my attractions and run 'towards' anyone.
I felt absolutely naked after that truth of 'limerence'. So what is love? I don't really know. It feels like the little thermometer embedded in the turkey just 'popped out' and signals I'm 'done' emotionally--'done' meaning that I had a significant amount of trauma, on top of trauma, on top of more trauma from failed relationships--where it was a critical enough level for 'limerence' to be my reality.
It's like I'm a new person.
I was so distraught the other day, Divine Father called me into his Office. I was grateful He cared enough. He had encouragement, a hug, cookies and lemonade. I wish I remembered what He said, what advice He gave. But it did seem to stop the downward spiral.
It's fragile. It's not fun. But it's growth. And also, it helps you to see those patterns in others when they are repeating themselves. It's very refreshing to know that you don't have to get caught up in that cycle again.
Today, fortunately, is a day of rest and catching up. I'm going to make the most of it.
Enjoy your growth, and don't be upset when it's really hard, difficult, and your movement feels like it's at a snails pace. It's still moving forward.
That is enough for today.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Twins who are awake and guiding everybody Home to the Higher Realms
