Our brains are wired by our experiences, many of them not by choice (in this life, but perhaps in the pre-birth meeting sessions to plan this life's goals, such as for example burning off karma).
What I have been witnessing in myself, and two others, one who is way ahead of me, is an untangling/disconnection and distancing themselves from their trauma-induced perceptions.
Because the end result is the same, but the three approaches are different, I will describe them.
The Hope and Faith approach is a reaffirmation and commitment to Divine Perfection. It requires denouncing this world of Illusion as 'fake'. And careful boundary setting so as to avoid getting sucked in to other people's lower energy projections. So much so that the person I am referencing, had someone on social media threaten to suicide, and she strongly said, 'I'm not going to deal with THAT. If you are going to suicide, that's on you, I take no part in your illusion.' and she laughed! Laughed! For her, everything happens for good, everyone is perfect, every thing is perfect, and she is always focusing on her connection to Source. This approach takes a strong mind and strong personality, to be open and loving to all, and yet loving and firm when needed. It also requires letting a lot of others around you make their own choices and mistakes and learning on their own, since the belief is that everything is perfect just the way it is.
Another approach, my friend Lisa F. E. has done, is the 'crash and burn' or 'learning to walk' method. Unlike the Hope and Faith, Lisa follows her inner guidance, and experiences all the feelings where it takes her. And she shares about it with us! She has navigated complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Religious Trauma and come out the other side with wisdom, grace and fortitude. Where the Hope and Faith is a steady, constant emotional state with little bumps here and there....the 'learning to walk' has had complete one hundred eighty degree turns, several times, shedding the entire belief system and then taking it back and shedding it and rebuilding it. That takes courage and tremendous faith in both the Divine and in one's self!
What is wonderful about both of these women, is they have had a decades long commitment to their own growth and helping others who resonate with them. Publicly. And for the most part, for free. This is a very very good sign that it is from Source and also True. A very good sign.
What about me? I'm in the middle. I call my path the Scholarly Path. I have been reading and studying and learning all about the mind and how it works. Especially attachment theory. I read a book called 'Polysecure' a fascinating book that is a stretch and I believe describes the link between what we experience in relationship here in Duality, and what we experience at Home in the Heavens. I have benefitted from Instagram @narcabusecoach who has really opened my eyes from the suffering I have experienced from narcissists in my life, from @paulinaporizkov who has put herself out there and shared from her heart about life and aging, from @trainwithjoan who shows us that we can be healthy in our age if we work hard, from @patrickteahantherapy who has really led the way on how to recover from an abusive childhood, and @timon.kriek whose wisdom and faith are really solid. Others who have helped are @chrisgqperry on relationship, @hergardengym on healthy life at sixty, @anxiousheartsguide on attachment healing, @robertsecond53 who balances healing, helping and the Bible. They give so much, all of these healers, for free, and I have benefitted from their teachings greatly.
Here are some examples of my healing...
My youngest sister posted online that there were kittens at her workplace. Should she take one home? I said no. But she did. Named it 'Hunter'. The kids are over the moon (her words, not mine) and I'm sure she's happy because she really loved the cat mom had while she was growing up and I was out of the house. She IS a 'cat person'. Just like mom.
I was shaken.
I can never go into her house again.
But with the work I've been doing, I've come to the place where I can BOTH be happy for her new pet who is a good fit for the family (they don't have time to walk a dog), and be firm in that I won't go anywhere that I can't breathe freely.
It started with my loneliness as a child, and knowing I was 'different'. I had two cats named 'Cleo'. I would put them in my doll stroller. They both ran away but my family wasn't sure if the neighbors had taken the last one. Then I asked for a sister. They gave me a dog. I learned later it was a dog and I said I wanted a sister. When I got one it wasn't helping my loneliness and I asked if we could give her back but sadly the answer was no. There was a lot of dysfunction in our home from that point on, as the baby was the favorite and my mom's mental health wasn't very good.
When I was seven I underwent a brutal three hour test where my terror of needles was intensified. They scratched my skin and put drops of liquids from vials on the wounds, and also injected things in my skin on my back, and I itched horribly. They had to bring my uncle Ben to soothe me and I think my screams were bad I could see the look on his and my parents faces when they were allowed to see me again.
Socially I suffered because if I went to a friends house to play or spend the night I'd get sick from my allergies. I begged for the shots to make me no longer allergic but the doctors wouldn't let me take them (my reaction wasn't severe enough? I don't know. Perhaps it was too severe?). I never outgrew it. It got 'better' in college but when I went to my roommates home in Oakland my eyes swelled shut and my voice dropped to hoarse. Now I have asthma too.
In medical school I decided to get a kitten and just tough it out. A little orange tabby I named Brian. I lasted four days. Then I took it back to the pet shop and didn't even ask for my money back. When I hurt my knee and had surgery I recovered at my parent's home, but I couldn't breathe. It was miserable. How they got Pyrite was my sister, the other one, had a cat named Giovanni at her boyfriend's apartment but it was hit by a car. She 'threatened suicide' if she didn't get a cat I was told. But when she moved back home then married and moved out, the cat didn't go with her. It stayed with mom who was kissing it all the time and telling it how beautiful it was. So I learned to compromise my well being in order to spend time with my family during holidays. Once mom got her kidney transplant, the cat was put down, and mom was told it 'died of loneliness' for her.
So, I've healed to the point where I can be happy for those who can enjoy cats, to enjoy them (and no, putting the cat in another room when your house has cat dander in the air for years doesn't help make it safe for me when I visit). And I can protect myself and remove me from any situation where my breathing is compromised. There's ways to meet outside the home and keep the relationship intact, fortunately.
Am I upset? No. It just is. And I'm really proud to be protective of me. Not having to compromise myself to be loved, ever again.
Where else am I healing?
At work.
Anesthesiologists, powerful as they are, in general are treated like shit. By the surgeons most of the time. And by the nurses too who order you to go here and do that (OB especially). And the patients? It's all over the place, really, how they treat you. Sometimes nice, sometimes manipulative, sometimes angry/threatening and they hit you.
This thing of 'surgeons who won't work with you' affects your income and your self-esteem a LOT.
What I'm seeing now is that these behaviors say a lot more about the others then about me. I see it with clarity. With the eye surgeon...who thinks I'm slow...well, I need to pee and drink water and eat a snack between cases when there's a long lineup. I need to evaluate my patient BEFORE they go into the O.R. I've worked with some of the best eye surgeons in the world, at three different institutions, none besides this one have complained. Do I want to work with someone who now twice has gone behind my back and complained? Am I a robot sent to speed things up and deny my own needs to make money for him? NO!
This time I defended myself. What's the target for turnover time? This 'slow' isn't achievable or measurable. I only decided to work with him because of a patient request (I'd done the other eye). Do I need this in my life? No.
I can think of Monday when it was me and THREE Scorpios in on a case, with both surgeon and circulator even having the same birthday November 11! We were all very happy, we clicked, and enjoyed one another and the case. I can easily write off this other guy as 'incompatible'.
So hostile the workplace is! Even in outpatient. Especially in outpatient. Some of the surgeons have ownership in the facility, and get paid from the profits.
Ten years ago I would have beat myself up over not being appreciated by a surgeon who complains to others (not even to me, to give me a chance to improve). Give me your scared, your fibromyalgia, your anxious and that's where I really come ahead to meet the challenge. I love my patients, and I enjoy them. I'm a healer who is sent for them. Dr. Robert had a verse that really helped me to understand, 'they come not for you but for Him who sent you.'
So I'm calm. Yes I can speed up, keeping water and food in my bag, and cutting corners. But I'm not afraid or anxious. I can turn it around and say, 'who wants to work like that when you can be with people who appreciate you?'
It's so funny. Most of us in the facility are kind of the same. I wouldn't exactly say 'neurotypical'. But there's one nurse who used to work there, who comes back as a per diem nurse who IS neurotypical. She brings up chit chat (most of us are quiet in the lunchroom). She asks about someone who used to work there long ago, and how she ran into him applying for a job at another hospital. People answered. But it seemed odd and off for us to be talking about people when we usually don't. I'm at the final part of my career, and it's okay. I'm grateful for the hours and the people. Even the weird surgeons who don't like me for whatever reason, lol.
These are examples of how my PTSD and attachment wounds are healing.
In my private time, my meditation, I can feel the joy of Heaven. My vibration has gone up so much now, that I can feel the warmth and love of Home right in my chest. I practice to maintain it longer and longer. I can feel it right now.
THAT warmth is the only thing that's Real. And I believe this is what Ross taught about, the 'joy that is beyond understanding'.
It's through hard work, determination, interest, application, and effort that's I'm finding healing and happiness and joy. This is the path for me. I'm sure Hope and Faith and Learning to Walk require the same things too, and are paying off. Just slightly different trails to get to the same destination.
Which one is the right path for you?
Or are you creating a new Journey for others to follow?
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Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Twins
