This couple is to represent the natural balance of masculine and feminine within us. Even though we have the capacity to behave and think in ways that are a little more one way than the other, our souls have one sex or the other as their main frequency.
My soul is female.
My body is born female. I have two X chromosomes and all the physical manifestations of a human female. I have carried a child to term.
I was raised in a home where I was taught I could do anything I wished to do. My father had no sons. I was a tomboy. I had little interest in dolls and stereotypical feminine things. As a matter of fact my bedroom was decorated all in pink with a canopy bed and I grew to feel confined and restricted by it. Just as restricted by my options to choose from for a career--mother, teacher, nurse, secretary.
My mother was in body, mind, appearance, and behavior--classically feminine. As a high-functioning autism child of very high IQ, to me she presented herself as illogical, and I didn't want to be a part of her world. During family gatherings, I enjoyed the company of the men in the family. I would listen to their stories and laugh. They were easier to understand, as they generally said what they meant to say, and there were fewer social cues to decipher.
I have been working very hard and documenting my efforts to heal my attachment style. Layer upon layer I have shed of old patterns that do not work. How I think, how I act, even how I pray.
Yesterday brought me to a point of two highly significant breakthroughs.
The first and the most important was that I apologized to God. Right before I went to sleep. I told God how I'd made a mess of my life in the relationship department. I'd wanted more than anything to have a partnership where it brought happiness and joy and life to myself and my family. I couldn't do it. I lacked the skills of validation. I was vulnerable and fell victim to three narcissists because of my inability to love myself enough to withstand the love bombing phase and see it for what it is.
I told God how very lonely I am.
How my life isn't anything I wished it would be.
I struggle.
And I accepted I will be alone from here on out, fortunately, for the twenty to thirty years I have left. And judging by how fast raising Anthony went, this remainder is going to fly by.
I told God I wished for a partner so I could practice sharing my needs and communication skills because I'm so awful at it. I appreciate Ross all the more because although we don't have actual conversations like, 'how was your day' because he is in another realm, I appreciate his support and presence all the more because he isn't a narcissist.
I spoke of how our first life together I remember I was good to him and he was good to me. The second one I remember, I was awful--but he loved me so much. And our last one, the 'Big One', I had a lot of guilt still how it went. It took a lot out of me.
I don't think I've ever felt lower, or more humble, than last night. I couldn't sleep, really. But in my conversation all my little things I told myself to make me think I was 'something special' I saw them for what they were, and I was honest, truly honest with Creator about what mattered to my heart.
I've worked hard, and God has blessed me richly with a job, with online family here, with a son, with friends, and earthly needs. I'm most grateful for the trees, many of which I waited a long time to be able to enjoy. Almost fifty years.
What I made clear is that I accept God's plan for my life, no matter what it is.
And Ross gently asked me to write about it. So I am.
The second is where I might get myself into a little trouble. Yesterday, I turned off my inner masculine stress of supporting myself and my family, just for a day. And I turned off my feminine homemaker 'to do' list in my head that makes me feel compelled to work and work and work when I should be resting.
The essence of the Divine Feminine is to be able to receive.
I've renounced Frog Farming (see the Queen Code book for more information). I've been seeing huge changes in how I've been treated outside the home. Men open doors for me now, when they didn't before. Others I'm overwhelmed with how helpful they are at work. This book is based on the understanding of the differences in how the male and female brain actually work, both for thinking and for communication. It helps us to realize men are made different and to expect them to behave as hairy women is absurd.
I winced inside when I overheard a nurse poking fun as a male in the operating room, doing her own version of Frog Farming.
This is the kind of thing they should be teaching us at schools...how to get along, and how to make the better of ourselves and others!
Here's where I get into the trouble part, in case you were wondering...masculine and feminine bodies are from Creation. Our media--film, TV, music--have been messing with that original for a long time now. Not just with stereotypes or objectification. It's been way deeper and darker than that. The legend of Big Michael is one example. There's been many, many artfully, convincingly created with surgery and know-how similar beings who are helping us to define 'masculine' and 'feminine' in the public eye who are role-modeling for us and future generations. Estrogen and its precursors have been put into foods, drinks and packaging. I believe the technical term is 'hormone disruptors'. All of this stems from an ancient phallic-worshipping cult that hides in plain sight, and worships further a hermaphrodite God the Baphomet.
To be a single mom, you must be masculine--accountable to provide for your family. Our social norms have changed from provider husband-stay-at-home wife, to baby daddy and baby mama. As well as 'blended families' and 'modern families'. Then there's the whole topic that Gays against Groomers support--protecting the children from the latest 'social movement' that's really easy to see on TikTok.
My point is that there is a lot going on 'out there'. What you are, as a soul, is what is most important. Only you can know what you are--deep down inside. After you filter out all of the outside 'influences' which are completely surrounding us, and also, can be affected by life circumstance.
Your most healing thing you can do, is to embody that which you are. Like I did yesterday, and allowed my non-linear, feminine, creating self to emerge for a day. The dishes could wait. So I did things as I saw they needed, but didn't commit to any long laundry list of chores. I did laundry actually, because I enjoy hanging it to dry. And I don't mind folding. I watched football because it makes me feel like Anthony is home. I also played some Pokemon Go. I craved sushi after working out, so I bought some at the grocery store. Just for the day I avoided structure and accountability, with the exception of taking care of my beloved pets.
Ironically, Cobra today talks of the same idea--click here for article. I don't take him at face value on everything but I do enjoy his description of how things are moving forward (just like I enjoy Fulford). Towards the bottom it talks about how healing ourselves is very important. And also, if you read between the lines, each of us is anchoring 'bubbles' of higher energy, and his description of how these will coalesce in time is fascinating.
Yes all of this is fake. Hope is correct, Hope Johnson, in her saying we are making everything up, our life is a movie. I study lots of NDE videos, and in this movie we experience (I'm not sure how we influence others and they influence us in this co-creation of the movie we experience, I do know how she says others are pointing out to us things we need to understand and accept about ourselves)...there appears to be an agreement made on what we experience. Earth is a difficult school, there's so much going on, light and dark are totally available experiences one can pursue to total extremes even. Even though technically it's fake because the only thing that is Real is Love. My point is that on Earth, anything can happen!
Every day you breathe, you have an opportunity to change your mind and start a new life. Way more than Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover. But it's as easy as they describe in that song, to change ANYTHING. Yes it can take time. But people have left the System (Jessie C, Cisco Wheeler, Kerth Barker, Svali to name a few). People have left horrible lives.
Here is a video to inspire you--it is very sad what this woman experienced early in life--and yet her unwavering belief in her destiny to become a nurse is a noteworthy example for all! Melissa's story of surviving terrible abuse
Thank you again for your belief in our work.
We love you.
Ross says 'everything is going to be okay'.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
