Anthony had a really tough final a week ago Friday. He wasn't sure if he was going to pass the technical course. Saturday he came home. To cheer him up, I had made reservations at Disneyland. This isn't a spur-of-the-moment thing like before Covid. You have to book it well in advance and if you cancel it you get dinged.
But the whole time, Anthony was irritable. Too many people. Too much noise. He just wanted to ride the train and enjoy some peace and quiet.
I should have realized something was amiss, but I chalked it all off to stress. Sunday he seemed more content, had good appetite. Monday morning I had to work, but I put bacon in the oven before I left the house around sunrise and kept the temperature on the lower side so as not to burn it when he woke up two or three hours later.
When I arrived home he was even more distressed. His stomach had been bothering him all day. Grumpy and irritable, I didn't know how to soothe him. And indigestion made me worry it could have been my fault with the bacon.
Sure enough, I heard a noise in the bathroom that sounded like buckets being dumped into the toilet.
He was throwing up.
Anthony is not a weak-stomach kid. I can count on one hand how many times he has gotten sick like this, this time clearly being the worst.
And my mother's wise advice, her words, I spoke to him with love, 'get the poison out. let it all out. and you will feel so much better.'
I got him a chair, a wet rag, a glass of water to rinse out that horrible taste in his mouth. And I rubbed his back as waves of nausea overcame him, and more of the poison made its way out.
Unfortunately, unlike with food poisoning, Anthony remained sick. For two or three days. He stayed on liquids and rested for days. Everything ached, joints, muscles. He couldn't sleep. I made him an iced coffee blender beverage and that really was a turning point for him. Then that night he asked for ibuprofen. It did the trick. He slept and two days later he was back to normal.
Then it was my turn. Only instead of my stomach and achy joints, I had shaking chills, fever and cough. And I had to work. I asked my colleagues if it would be possible for me to take a sick day on Friday. They let it happen. I was resting twelve hours a night, but not feeling better. The coughing was violent. Horrible things came up. I wanted desperately for my natural immunity to fight it off. But when Anthony came home last night he said mom you need antibiotics.
He was right.
At 'normal' Anthony left to go to his dad's house for the holidays. I don't know if it's the astrology, or my point in life, but I had a lot of icky feelings that were coming up. Everything hit me all at once. My childhood traumas. Being alone at holiday time. Failed marriages. I couldn't remember the last time I could have a normal holiday. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years are the big three in the hospital. Anesthesia always has to work two of the three. And since I got Anthony every New Years, that meant I always worked both Thanksgiving and Christmas weekends. Because of the shared custody, and the court agreement, I got only one 'real' holiday, Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Eve, or Christmas Day. I never got to relax and enjoy my son.
This was not a downward spiral of emotion. Not like in the past. Why? Because I sat with my feelings. They sort of came up from all sides randomly. But I paused and tried to acknowledge each one. Wow I was sad about that, I thought to myself. That was really hard. And totally unfair.
I was a little annoyed and dismayed at how my lack of insight and social skills (ADHD, on the spectrum mild female autism, disorganized attachment ) had left me so alone, after having picked the wrong partners...and from working so hard there was little time to maintain friendships...But I caught myself. I realized even though my time left on earth is more visibly limited than, let's say when I was ten, I trusted that there is a reason for everything, this is my life as it was supposed to be lived, and at least now I have worked hard to gain the skills at mending any rupture in relationship. I've done my work. And on top of that Anthony has been a total blessing!
Emotionally, I had been throwing up. For days. And by letting myself process the emotions in a healthy way, I too was getting out my poisons I had been carrying around unconsciously for many years--thoughts like something was wrong with me and I am unlovable, like I have bad luck, like my life is ruined.
The past is that! It's no longer here. It's only here if you let it. I realized I'm fortunate to still be friends with my high school first love. Not everyone gets to stay connected. I looked further and could see all the men in my life had been more feminine, which makes sense because I had been more masculine. I had been trained to 'earn' love by my parents who had huge expectations on our behavior--that I didn't develop the feminine ability to realize I am lovable just for existing. The patterns made sense. And when you superimpose on it that everything is love and love is the only things that exists...well...
There were some guideposts and signs along the way, too. On my last day at work, a medical records worker who appreciates how I always review charts for her without complaining, and do it promptly, she gave me a gift. And one thing in there was a potted pinkish peach silk rose. Tiny. And it was beautiful, I sensed it was a sign. Then FedEx redelivered something from 1800 flowers. This was live mini roses in the same exact color, in a pot that went into a beautiful 'picket fence' basket. I still don't understand the full meaning of the sign, but I value it as such and await further revelation of its mystery.
There have been friends, who are close, who I confided in about my illness. And Anthony's. I kept it quiet online. Their love and support and healing helped me realize that although mistakes were plentiful in my life, it bore fruit. Excellent people who genuinely care about us, me and Anthony.
I realize it is better now to have communication skills and insight, to move ahead. Instead of unknowing like before, which was painful.
In practicing nurturing, as I healed, I watched lots of movies. Holiday ones especially. And I realized that coming from Hollywood, a holiday movie is kind of like one that is made by the spiritually blind, trying to describe something they comprehend intellectually as 'feel good' . It is lacking. Yet the character that reached me most is Katie or Kate from the Feast of the Seven Fishes, and how she moved on from Tony. A beautiful character played well by the actress. Not since Jenny in Forrest Gump was someone so moving and powerful a character at expressing their inner struggle.
What is your poison?
Is it a family disagreement?
Or is it being obligated to interact with family members who are toxic to you?
Is it a failure?
A dream that crashed and fell on its face big time?
Is it your body failing you with age? It's frightening, isn't it, how we lose the abilities and clarity we once took for matter of course.
Just for today, if your poison is making itself known to you, and you have time and space, allow it to come to your perception. Don't listen to it's distortions and lies. Look deeper at the actual feeling in the moment. Feel it, and acknowledge how hard it has been to keep that one carrying around for years. Look for the hope in your future. You know better. You won't make those same mistakes again! If there are physical reminders around you, throw them out. I tossed lots of money's worth of thawed meats and meals I had prepared on Sunday and had ready for the week. It's not worth getting sick again. Remember you are precious and no longer need reminders of anything that weighs upon your heart.
Get rid of the poison, let it come out.
You are going to feel so much better!
Ross says to wish you a joyous holiday season and that your coming year 2024 is looking very bright!
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The couple
