Sunday, January 1, 2023

A New Voice?


I woke up this morning with a new realization: I needed pampering.

It's true.

I'd be the last to ever think about it. But it's been a long, hard, difficult road...and my spirit is crying out for gentleness, calm, nourishment, and peace.

I think the last of the pandemic has finally hit home for me, after being on the front lines of it. Everything we experienced was something perhaps we had read in history books (lockdowns, mandates) but never imagined possibly happening to us. And the thin line separating the mark of the beast from mandates was haunting to the very core.

I realized after my nightmare--Anthony had a leg missing and then his doctor asked him to donate an arm to someone who didn't have arms. The doctor said he'd get him a replacement arm but it got infected and didn't work...My anguish, my terror, my anger at medicine and that doctor was so real! It made me realize our society is definitely messed up, and it's affecting me on a deeper level than I had thought. 

I am tired.

Mentally, physically, spiritually, work is one thing, my spiritual work is another. I ran the race as a sprint starting in 2010, and here we are twelve years later, with confirmation of our success such as this Jesus through John.

Michael woke me up too, and he had plans to show me. It looked like a big box or building. I told him I was sleepy and I wasn't sure I could retain the facts. Should I take notes? He said no and offered me a really strong cup of coffee. He had a sip of his coffee too to be polite. I just saw light blue like swimming pool color, with a darker blue border showing the plans for the structure. It was big and Michael was excited. 

Then I realized how much the enemy hated him. And I remembered what happened to Ross. And I confessed I couldn't live without Michael. I started to cry because if this plan meant some battle and there was risk I just couldn't understand why we were in this situation to begin with? Couldn't we get out in some way?

Michael reassured me.

I don't remember any other details or exactly what was said. 

Even with my mother passing, I've been put through the ringer. The estate is set to close. Finally. The powerlessness I felt, especially in how to grieve (I wanted to go curl up on mom's couch one last time, and just take all the house and her energy in. I couldn't. People were there. On that couch. I was never alone in that house again, ever. And I had to ask permission to go. I've had the key forever. Very painful, to the core.)

It's gone now. I can let it go.

And the move, to this house, three almost four years ago...It was hard too. I remembered in my dream last night we went to look at my old house, and there had been homeless people staying there without permission, and the roof was raining/leaking everywhere in that old house. It had been really hard to live there, plumbing leaks and roof leaks and neighbors who stole my parking spot and noise...It was a beautiful home and sometime now Anthony and I reminisce about it. But having to beg the association for repairs was stressful and a burden.

It's been two months now I've switched to outpatient surgery. This is the first time since 1994 I've had Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's off. I'm just barely starting to feel human again. I've taken call for twenty-eight years. I'm so glad to be relieved of it. 

Ross says to share about yesterday.

I spent all morning packaging, labeling, and addressing the first half of the bracelet giveaway. When I first started it was very small scale, materials and postage were cheap. A couple dollars at most. I went and stood in a long line, and spent two hours at the post-office mailing them. I had almost fifty items to ship. People in line behind me and the other woman at the other window mailing out charity 'thank you' gifts--she had even more than I had--were angry. One man said, 'this isn't commercial, arrange a pickup!' I was a little afraid. My poor clerk had a postage printer that kept getting stuck and she would have to open it and scrape the sticky gum adhesive off the insides for every package sent. The printer always does that. But she was professional and did it right. I spent around three hundred dollars in postage. It's between five and six dollars for domestic postage, and around fifteen to twenty for International. The hostility directed at me took a toll. I tried my best to counter it, with prayer and faith. I resolved to make multiple small trips and use the kiosk for the other half of the giveaway. 

Ross' point is 'nothing is free'. 

We want you to enjoy the bracelets, and have them bring you joy and good energy. 

We don't even ask you to pay it forward. 

We give them out of love, and joy and gratitude for our community.

Ross says that is enough.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,



Ross and Carla

The Couple