Probably the best thing I am useful for is recognizing patterns.
I don't know why or how but it is. I remember being shown patterns of big, colored wooden beads by the school counselor (she had pulled me out of class for some tests and I wondered why a grown woman was playing with beads with a second-grader during school hours)...she was delighted, thrilled that I could repeat the bead sequences she showed me. They were ridiculously easy to string on the shoelace.
But even now, when I logged in to my bank account, the code for the secondary confirmation/validation I was surprised at how I barely glanced at the code before it flashed away (the notification on my phone) and I was able to remember and get it right.
Yesterday was my last day at work at the Surgery Center, at least as full-time partner. I walked away from that for many reasons, the scariest of which is how little regard my partners had for the rules about our particular style of corporation with the IRS. But also, for wanting to be treated with more respect than to have them make me prove a simple bookkeeping mistake by our old billing company before I could be distributed my funds I had earned.
I see a pattern in myself.
But first, a happy one. Yesterday the song 'Name' by the Goo Goo Dolls was playing on the radio in the bird room while I was getting him ready for the day. My bird listens to the oldies station to keep him company while I am at work. And when 'Name' was popular, I was in medical school. But it wasn't much longer that I got the bird (internship). I smiled inside because I'd rescued him long enough for 'my' music to make its way to the oldies station. When I'd first got him, it was sixties and seventies music on the playlist.
Back to my pattern--I escape.
Yes.
My home life was terrible as a child, growing worse with the politics/persuasion of my one sister who basically 'ruled the roost'. I studied like crazy, got good grades, graduated and escaped to college.
But when my marriage went bad, I repeated the same pattern, except this time it was for Medical School admission.
Medical school, residency, and employment has been a total roller coaster. From 'the Match' where you end up going to wherever the computer in the sky tells you to complete your training...a lot of things are outside of your control. I chose to do a cardio thoracic fellowship. And moved away to San Diego to finish it. I came home on Wednesday nights to my second husband. Again, by then the marriage was bad and I chose my education and job security over his madness, unhappiness, and entitlement to my doctor's wages.
It was a huge shock to my system to be let go from my position at the University. I had anticipated staying there my whole career. But actually, Divine Creator had better plans. I met wonderful people, I had more access to vacation and travel, and I made way more money.
The only downside was call. Starting the day and working sometimes twenty-four hours straight, including nights and holidays. I played the long game, I waited ten years for my boss to retire, a spot opened at the surgery center for full-time, and I jumped at the chance! I escaped call! Finally.
What happened there? I was honored to be given the chance to create our corporation (my retiring boss retired his instead of passing it on). It was gnarly working through the red tape of the ''system' to make it happen. And my colleagues had dysfunction. I realized again I was acting like the overachieving daughter in a dysfunctional family...which is my basic pattern.
When I worked for a colleague back in the Main OR to give him some vacation coverage, my heart realized I missed my old staff I worked with. It was like vacation too, having electronic anesthesia records, well-stocked carts with some of the expensive drugs you need still there at arm's reach, and anesthesia technicians to help with the start and end of the cases. The medical complexity, the slower pace, and ability to eat instead of the rush, rush was like heaven. My son saw it when I came home I was happy. And I realized one colleague was toxic to me, at the surgery center, and the anesthesiologist running the group completely understood my distress and made work available to me so I could escape it.
It was very nice to have a goodbye yesterday. People said kind words. And there were two expensive cakes. One said, Good Luck and Thank You -- Anesthesia Department, the other said Reiki Healing and had a little red heart. I had done an FTE worth of work for no pay in creating the corporation, negotiating contracts, finding a billing company, etc. For the replacement for me they actually offered two percent of the group income to them (but not to me lol) the same as was charged by my old boss. Administrative fee, he called it.
On the couch, during this overcast Saturday, I rested. It is like a fog has lifted.
For me, I see the pattern leading to escape was that I didn't understand the skill/process of relationship rupture and repair. I couldn't even understand my own emotions, let alone someone else's. The concept of self-regulation, and co-regulation, was really new. But I see it now.
And I connected to Source. You see, with Outpatient Surgery, the pace is very fast, except when there are gaps in the schedule, and there's not much time to think. Slowing down today was nice. And Spirit asked me what I want now? In my heart of hearts? We had reviewed my early childhood, getting to my babysitter's before my construction worker grandfather left for work--EARLY in the morning and eating breakfast together. I remember getting out of bed way early, driving over to their house...And grandfather coming home from work at the end of a long day. Those were on good days.
The not-so-good days were in preschool (I dropped out after three weeks) or other babysitter's houses. School was a haven compared to that. It was a haven even after my grandparents because back then I watched too much TV, there wasn't much activity for me.
We went over every significant other I had, one I almost had, and why it was not meant to be.
I asked for Ross, I said how much I need him. And what I request for this phase of my life is emotional safety. I have good physical safety now, I've worked hard for it and I am so grateful. I realized that Spiritual safety is a given and again I am highly appreciative for that. I could see how our emotional bodies are bumping into one another, and misunderstandings crop up.
That's why there's the photo I chose for this blog post. This is an example of how it was originally meant to be--when you are little there are healthy, safe adults to help raise you.
What are your patterns? Do you have any? It takes a lot of life to life to begin to see them. And what I was told by Spirit is that once we advance with our lessons, we are able to move forward in life and enjoy it more.
There is another pattern I noticed. My friend Lisa of Tarot background. She is ever evolving herself. Her latest photo shows LIGHT in her eyes, and her Spirit is strongest I've seen it in a long time. I smiled inwardly. Lisa has a need to understand. She goes through philosophical frameworks like the seasons of the year transform the surface of the Earth. And she talks about it! I am so grateful that she shares.
For me, I accept. I even accept that some things are not able to be understood, they are felt/experienced, and that is that. I have no drive whatsoever to adjust my belief system. What Is, IS. The Universe and Divine Creator Created it. Both the seen and the unseen. I appreciate that. As a part of it, I let it be. Yes perhaps I grumble in traffic or I think perhaps it would be nice if certain elements were not influencing daily lives of all of us as much as they do...Yet I trust there is a Purpose, one I may or may not understand, at the moment, but perhaps in time I will, and even if I don't, things will work out for the best. That's the final endpoint.
I have a little trouble with the whole Reiki being demonic thing. We have our senses and our intuition, and I know dark ones want to shut it off completely while amplifying their abilities in the spiritual realms. The 'system' works to separate us from our intuition/inner guidance.
But Lisa, she takes on the religious--I remember her asking vegan Doreen V. where the pigs are that funds were raised to help? Lisa was ferreting out deceit. As a survivor of religious trauma these things are important to her.
Today, though, I saw the pattern and I understood--Lisa is accessible. Her thought processes she shares are going to resonate with a lot of other people. And like a spark Lisa lights up the way. Always moving forward.
Me, it's my grumbles that resonate with people. I tell it like it is. And that helps others to move forward too.
I like it, our team.
There are others, they know who they are. I am watching and appreciating all they do too.
Every single one of us is important.
But for now, the patterns are shared enough. It's time for lunch and to get on with the day.
Ross
Carla has been telling you for a while now that I have been quiet. She has been in one of her lessons for a long time, or so it seems to her. The recognitions of the patterns is a little painful, at least the ones she sees in herself.
I would like to add that for Carla, her astrological chart, has her 'happy happy' place through placements of when she is learning.
There is a common theme in all of her 'escapes' and that is to 'learn', not just to 'learn and to grow' as an individual, but to commit to actual learning of a new skill.
I would like to add that in addition to her new found 'forming an anesthesia corporation' skills, Carla has taken up the Hawaiian language on DuoLingo, and her streak now is over nine hundred and fifty days. Again these are patterns and it brings great comfort to her to acquire new abilities. She also finally met the challenge of learning how to cook Mexican style pinto beans with the dried beans. It is a life-saving and economically valuable skill. It took several tries to get it right.
I also would like to share of Carla's courage and dedication on behalf of those in her care. Not the medical care. The family care, which, at one time, included me in our past life. Carla spent all afternoon looking for her backyard turtle. This was after her triumphant last day at work. Every afternoon she comes home and enjoys spending time in the back yard. But no matter where she looked, there was no turtle. Turtles can get stuck, and need to be freed. For example a turtle who is flipped on its back is in a terrible position! Someone needs to right it or it will die. Five times she circled the yard. There are holes from the squirrels and the gophers. The biggest one is plugged up with a bag of heavy sand. The new one at the roots of a tree, she found a stick and measured the depth, it did not go through very far. She looked over the fence for signs of turtle escapement.
On one of her rounds, near the rosemary bush, which is five years overgrown--she saw a scoot mark in the dirt that looked like a turtle had made it. But usually, the turtle goes at night to the same place. But late in the day, it hadn't made it. So even though she had lifted the branches of the rosemary bush many times, she looked deeper, and found the turtle wedged deep asleep next to the fence underneath.
To make sure it could get out, she trimmed the lower branches. It took five trips to the green waste bin and totally filled it. You could always see the turtle and you know it will not happen again.
All's well that ends well!
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple
