Any moment, while we are alive, we can change. We choose. We select. And we start a new path. These are the ground rules for being human/incarnate.
Unfortunately, for a good many reasons, as humans incarnate we are not huge fans of such changes! Yes, we enjoy the 'rags to riches' story, or the 'lost tons of weight and got in shape' story for inspiration. But how about when it comes to our own lives?
My comfort zone, ever since I was little, as it is part of my nature and disposition as a cancerian moon-child, is to hold on to grudges and to avoid painful experiences.
For months now, years, perhaps, I have been on a path of deep soul cleansing. This is not a 'dark night of the soul' per se. It is quite the opposite. I have been examining my life story one chapter at a time, and deciding what to keep, and what to let go.
For example, both of my marriages had some pretty terrible memories in Hawaii. So much so, I thought perhaps the island was cursed for me.
In January/early February of last year, I went to a conference. But this conference happened to be walking distance from the hotel where my second marriage was officially over. The bad memories were so bad that I left a restaurant in tears in front of everyone. I had decided earlier during a luau in Lahaina that the devil I knew was better than the one I didn't, and I wanted the marriage to work. We had a good time there. But I can't explain it how things just totally fell apart. He decided we were through, he slept on the couch and I slept on the bed, and it was a long, quiet flight home.
So that trip last year, I got up my courage, and walked to that hotel. It was hard. Emotionally. The place looked the same as it did twenty years earlier. But I sat, I reflected, I visited the gift shop and the spa store, and I deliberately made new happy memories. It was a beautiful hotel.
This conference, was on the island where I had my honeymoon with my first husband. I reflected a lot on this trip, because I spent two nights in the same hotel--it's been rebuilt after a hurricane messed it up. I realized how happy I had been on my honeymoon--my husband had planned it, and he paid for it. It was my first ever trip to Hawaii and everything was exciting and new. I had a bad cold at first. But he was kind, we got along, and I experienced a happiness I had never dreamed possible.
When we came back home I was radiant.
But on this trip, I realized a pattern. I left my unhappy home at first by studying and going away to college. Then I escaped it by getting married.
So many times in my life I repeated the same pattern over and over. I studied hard and went to medical school to escape the unhappy marriage. By then everything was my fault and the emotional abuse was severe.
On our second trip to the island, my first husband and I went to attend the marriage of his long time childhood friend. But it was strange. He was marrying a Japanese woman. But for the rehearsal dinner, the groom sat apart with all his old childhood friends. I sat with strangers. My husband and I fought a lot. I clearly had never understood the concept of rupture and repair. That it is a normal skill for relationships.
It turned out that the groom was dying of AIDS. He was homosexual. I am not sure if the Japanese spouse was true female and friend, or perhaps male presenting as female. Either way, she took very good care of him as he got sicker and sicker, and passed not much longer after the wedding.
I decided on this trip I was going to marry 'me'--to celebrate how I've taken good care of myself and had a pretty good life on my own. I did a chocolate tour. I went on a nice botanical gardens tour. I spent a lot of time journaling after conference morning sessions. Then around four or five I would go to the water.
I felt the feelings.
I forgave myself for what I didn't know.
Ross guided me through some meditations.
Right now it's still a powerful full moon, they call it the Beaver moon. With full moons we let things go.
Oddly enough, although I used to hate cats (not only am I highly allergic, my parents and later my sister chose cats over me. At least the sister apologized)...there are some feral ones around here. I made friends with a pregnant one on the property. I bought cat food for her, and Churu treats. For the past three nights I have fed her. And daily she got her treats. I didn't react when I touched her, usually I get big red blotchy welts immediately on my skin. All those months of watching Donnie the Cat Whisperer have helped me to accept cats for what they are, without all my resentment, pain and confusion from the past attached.
In the water today, Ross asked me what the hardest thing about today was? Waking up wasn't easy. Some other things were little bit hard but still not super bad. But then I felt in my heart, to ask God to help me to let go of all my pain from my past. To let it go, all the resentment, the misunderstandings, the baggage...I asked to start each day as new. And to only deal with the matters at hand, based on trusting my eyes and common sense and ability to communicate.
I am sixty-one years old. Some people might be able to breeze through these lessons, it might not faze them. But for me, with early childhood trauma, with being on the spectrum, and with being gifted...there are a lot of social cues I miss. But holding on to the past like a badge of courage is only hurting me. It's taking away my enjoyment of here and now.
I encourage you to deep clean your soul, no matter now long it takes, and to allow your soul to heal. When you get to the part where each day is a new day, and you are living in the moment, you are reborn.
You resurrect.
You no longer are a 'zombie' where you feel dead inside and are overwhelmed. You thank yourself for getting you to this point, and you let go of the old which was weighing you down.
It's a good thing!
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The couple
