The last two weeks I have been processing emotions I had buried deep in my soul across several lifetimes. It's not that deep, actually. I just have been exceptionally good at survival and compartmentalization since that time. When I make time and allow for my heart of hearts to actually feel those feelings, I heal.
A big part of the healing is realizing that no matter how much I may be thinking I screwed up, that's ME judging myself. And Divine Father, despite my own opinions and judgement, thinks I am still lovable. That has been my anchor as the waves of emotion wash over me, randomly, as I continue to live my life and function at home and at work and at leisure.
I am adapting to the concept of 'water under the bridge', as in, 'what's done is done'. I had seen a photo of a natural bridge by a waterfall, and happy young teens jumping into the water. That is wonderful joy to see. From my current platform of raw acceptance, it pleases me to watch others experience their joy.
Underneath is the deeper wound. I see it clearly. It is my ability to trust in my being taken care of, that I can receive and welcome receiving what is mine to receive. It is my birth right as a feminine soul. Things in the past with Ross kind of messed it up. So much so that no matter how much Ross is able now to provide, I was stuck in my pattern of fear, of lack, of abandonment.
Is it better?
Speaking as one who has been in the O.R., you have to take a burn or a wound down to the layer where it bleeds. And healthy granulation tissue forms. Then it is on its way to healing. I can say the old layers of infection and burn on my soul are cleared away. These are layers I thought were a part of me, part of my character, but they weren't. It was something that helped me through some of the worst of times.
So now what?
Letting go.
I can't keep thinking that maybe with some luck I can get everything right. I do not even hope for it.
Creator wants to build my life now. And I can ask here and there for preferences. Forget manifestation. I've been thinking I knew what I wanted and needed for my whole life, as experienced through a distortion of old scars, hurt, and pain.
All things considered, this has been a lot of progress in a short time.
I'd also like to take a moment to remember one of our friends who has passed, Denise Stinson. I'm glad we got word of her passing. I remember her eagerly getting her nursing license, and her sharing of her patient care. She helped the elderly, and one was very open to Reiki. Denise even had me make a healing bracelet for him before he passed. She was thoughtful in so many ways like that. I'm glad she is with Ross now, and free from pain.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The friends both on Earth and in Heaven
