Sunday, December 4, 2022



I couldn't sleep last night.

I have been writing yes, but I have not been doing well. I'm waiting still for my Covid test to come back. I've been sick since Thursday. Anthony is catching what I have too, he's a little behind, and at the sore throat and tired stage. 

I get increasingly frustrated because whenever I think I have my life in a place where perhaps I might be able to instill some order and routine (cleaning house, decluttering, exercise) BAM! just like that I get sick. 

Yes, the flu and Covid both are spreading at my work. How could I avoid it?

My point in sharing this with you, is that sometimes, we hold things inside, and we need to release them. We release them by feeling them. Because buried feelings hold us back.

In the middle of the night, I began to tell God, and Ross, how lonely I am. How I feel rejected/abandoned and I have my whole life. How I don't really fit in anywhere.

And to Ross, I told him how even though my life as a kitten was awful and brief, I was shown a lot more attention and leadership in that incarnation than the whole time I was married to him! He just kind of decided to 'go with the flow' and having the intentional responsibility of a family was not really his thing. 

I cried and I cried, quiet tears of desperation. Emotional exhaustion. Finally I released the pain and confusion of being raised by an alcoholic mother with anger issues.

Finally I released the pain and suffering of all my relationships, where it wasn't really a 'good fit' and all these people who were not in my league rejected me, or yelled at me, or controlled me. 

I've had times where tears don't help. But last night they did, and I felt at least a little lighter.

I want to clarify that my wounds didn't magically heal. But now at least I know the size and depth of the wound across the various lifetimes, and it's not hidden from my consciousness by that denial any more.

It's going to be a long road to emotional health for me.

Thankfully I've learned assertive communication is key for me to be able to say no and to ask for what I want. I'm working on it.

And I know I am loved, by many, many,'s just those who you think are closest to you in your family and relationships in your early years...not everyone...who caused the wound. 

I am lovable. Even though I fight the belief of being unlovable and trying to be loved by people who are unavailable emotionally (distant). 

Ultimately it's a Mother Wound and I will be healing that with effort and study and resources.

Right now I realize how glad I am I broke the cycle of abuse, and am present for my own small family.

Can broken hearts heal?


When God is helping.

When I finally did get to sleep, I had the most amazing dream!

A pop-up rink was put up inside the aisles of our local grocery store, Ralphs!

I was given a pair of skates and I was able to do laps and laps, going past the meat counter on my left, and the cleaning aisles  and the dairy was really fun and people were pushing their carts on the ice. 

I felt joy.

Here are some resources for you, in the black and white department, if you are interested. I won't say much. I've read them all:

Sadly, Kerth passed in 2021 from a rapidly acting cancer he was given by the Sharks. That makes his prayer extra special. We are fortunate he gave his all for the truth.


I was not the easiest husband. In our time. When I was alive I loved Carla just as much as ever! As I do now! That hasn't changed. It never has.

But I've never been good at weighing my priorities.

I sort of took the 'I'll do this first, Carla can wait' philosophy. Consistently.

Little did the damage show, bless her.

I only saw it once I was up here, and now it was too late to remedy it in that life. 

It was almost too late here as well. Without my team of guides and a lot of luck, we would have lost her, for she had become very distraught over me, for my presence reminded her of her hidden pain which she did not wish to explore or acknowledge. 

Carla calls to me now. She openly calls, and cries, and begs for this feeling to end. 

In this I am an expert, totally devoted and focus to her call. 

And in this I shall not fail.

Not this time.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Ross and Carla
Centuries of Healing are on tap!