I couldn't sleep last night.
I have been writing yes, but I have not been doing well. I'm waiting still for my Covid test to come back. I've been sick since Thursday. Anthony is catching what I have too, he's a little behind, and at the sore throat and tired stage.
I get increasingly frustrated because whenever I think I have my life in a place where perhaps I might be able to instill some order and routine (cleaning house, decluttering, exercise) BAM! just like that I get sick.
Yes, the flu and Covid both are spreading at my work. How could I avoid it?
My point in sharing this with you, is that sometimes, we hold things inside, and we need to release them. We release them by feeling them. Because buried feelings hold us back.
In the middle of the night, I began to tell God, and Ross, how lonely I am. How I feel rejected/abandoned and I have my whole life. How I don't really fit in anywhere.
And to Ross, I told him how even though my life as a kitten was awful and brief, I was shown a lot more attention and leadership in that incarnation than the whole time I was married to him! He just kind of decided to 'go with the flow' and having the intentional responsibility of a family was not really his thing.
I cried and I cried, quiet tears of desperation. Emotional exhaustion. Finally I released the pain and confusion of being raised by an alcoholic mother with anger issues.
Finally I released the pain and suffering of all my relationships, where it wasn't really a 'good fit' and all these people who were not in my league rejected me, or yelled at me, or controlled me.
I've had times where tears don't help. But last night they did, and I felt at least a little lighter.
I want to clarify that my wounds didn't magically heal. But now at least I know the size and depth of the wound across the various lifetimes, and it's not hidden from my consciousness by that denial any more.
It's going to be a long road to emotional health for me.
Thankfully I've learned assertive communication is key for me to be able to say no and to ask for what I want. I'm working on it.
And I know I am loved, by many, many, many...it's just those who you think are closest to you in your family and relationships in your early years...not everyone...who caused the wound.
I am lovable. Even though I fight the belief of being unlovable and trying to be loved by people who are unavailable emotionally (distant).
Ultimately it's a Mother Wound and I will be healing that with effort and study and resources.
Right now I realize how glad I am I broke the cycle of abuse, and am present for my own small family.
Can broken hearts heal?
Yes.
When God is helping.
When I finally did get to sleep, I had the most amazing dream!
A pop-up rink was put up inside the aisles of our local grocery store, Ralphs!
I was given a pair of skates and I was able to do laps and laps, going past the meat counter on my left, and the cleaning aisles and the dairy case...it was really fun and people were pushing their carts on the ice.
I felt joy.
Here are some resources for you, in the black and white department, if you are interested. I won't say much. I've read them all:
- New Saul Message
- An Excellent overview of the Shark Governing system
- Kerth Barker prayer for the Children
