The Healing Candle 3: Honeysuckle-Lilac

Father loved lilacs. He spoke fondly about them, and their fragrance, at his home in New England growing up. His memories had a dream-like quality to them, a yearning, a calling, that made you wish you could have been there too to see what he was remembering from his youth.

There was blueberry-picking by the bucket in the wild. There was fishing all day behind the house. There was getting-together with family and neighbors for work like a barn-building just for the sake of helping somebody out. It was idyllic. The first time I visited his birthplace, I got that 'vibe' too, one of nature and life all together. I was so very glad I had the chance to go visit our family 'with the ice scrapers and snow'. They were kind people, easy to smile and laugh, who loved me just for being his kid.

Sometimes abuse makes us alter our memories.

My cousins who had physical abuse in the home talk about 'how grateful they were for their perfect childhood.'

As I grew older, I learned, through mom., that the family on Dad's side was not what it seemed. 'It happens to lots of girls', grandpa said about molest and incest, 'we just learned not to talk about it. It is nothing new.'

There was a death from a kid playing with a live gun at a family gathering, who said, 'Bang! Bang!' at one of my father's uncles, and killed him before Thanksgiving dinner. His wife, my great-aunt, was always dour and hyper vigilant ever since.

I know more, but I can't say, because there are people who would be sad if I let anyone know exactly what was going on in this family. Let us leave it that alcohol and pedophilia and gambling and poverty were no strangers to them.

This lavender candle represents 'taking the best and leaving the rest' when it comes to my father's side of my heritage. He was a good man, a hard worker, who loved me. But through his past and his lack of insight, his child-raising technique was a little 'off', a little 'skewed' by his upbringing. 'Children should be seen and not heard' is a classic example. What is that?!

As the candle finishes, I keep the SkyBar and the maple syrup, and the love--the unconditional love and laugher. And I let go of the unhealthy patterns that as a child I was exposed to and 'soaked up' unconsciously because of Dad.

There was a while there where he wanted me to call him 'Father', and not anything else. He also taught me to say, 'Observe' instead of 'look!' or 'watch this!'. He was that controlling. I always had my 'filter' on before anything came out of my mouth when I was with him.

He taught me many skills: to play catch, to throw a football, basketball, riding a bike...he did the best he could with what he had. I never had to buy my own clothes or have a paper route like he did at my age.

And I let it go.

The bird here is a good example of my dad's side of the family. This is a female Eclectus parrot. Very skittish, very observant, very shy. They take a long time to warm up to you when you are their owner. Everyone else just stresses them out. A beautiful bird, you will notice that the color is green. It's mate, the male, has phenomenal red and purple plumage! Most people purchase 'him' instead of 'her', and mistakingly think that they are two different kinds of parrot. But that is the way of the Eclectus: mysterious and complex in more ways than one might think.

If you have a memory that has been passed down through the family, something idyllic and perfect, think twice. There might be a back story behind it that is far from perfection. The more you understand the truth, the better prepared you are for what lies ahead. Find the freedom to move forward by knowing what is what. Then and only then you have the power to let it go and have it affect you never again.

Tribal beliefs are powerful. But only if you 'buy in' to them. You don't have to. Not at all.

Namaste,

Reiki Doc

Healing Candle 2: Sicilian Orange

The Sicilian Orange candle caught my attention. Mother is Sicilian, and so are her parents and brother. Going to their house while I was growing up was a vacation in itself! There were gardens in the back yard, plentiful food, and unconditional love in great abundance!

I was called special names by my grandparents who were also my godparents:

• Poupeida, which is pronounced poo-pee-duh and means 'doll'
• Bedda, which is pronounced bed-duh and means 'good' and 'beautiful'
• Gioia, which is pronounced  joy-ia and means 'joy'
• ____-uzza, which is my first name and a diminutive 'oot-za' on it
• Cucuzza, which is pronounced coo-coo-tzuh, which is the name of a squash and means 'stupid' but is very close to my Italianized version  of my given name
• bella, which is pronounced 'bell-ah' and means 'beautiful'
• bellisima, which is pronounced 'bell-ee-see-mah' which means 'the most beautfiul'
• queenie, with emphasis on the first syllable and less on the second, Italian-style, but English

Everywhere I turned there was love. And joy. And happiness.

The reason I selected that candle, at first, was to say 'goodbye' to all of the memories at my grandparent's house because it had just sold.

But now, I see the 'flip side' of being Sicilian: you think you are different, possibly even 'better' than everybody else. Imagine the Sicilian in the movie 'The Princess Bride' and you get an exaggerated taste of it. I have never been to Italy. I don't speak Italian. I still carry around all of father's DNA inside of me, even though I never really acknowledged his 'culture' for it was a lot less interesting than mom's side of the family. 

It is time for me to accept, on a deep level, that DNA is just that--DNA. And that being able to 'cook' Italian is a wonderful cultural heritage in itself. I can share our culture through food with others. But the foibles--the secrets, the scheming, the judging of who is 'okay' and who is 'in the doghouse', all of the negativity from my past, including dwelling on happy memories from a very long time ago, are finished.

My heart surgeon in fellowship stopped in the middle of surgery, looked up at me across the drapes, and asked, 'How do I know since you are Sicilian your family is not in the Mafia?'

I paused. I paused a good long time. It was a good question. And then the answer came from my heart center, and I laughed, 'Doctor! That one is easy! We were poor!' 

He thought that was a good answer.

These candles are releasing me from something that we call Tribal Beliefs. They are passed down from generation to generation, as an unwritten 'rule' that has never been questioned. When you find a deep emotional 'tie' to something in your day-to-day life, examine it. And know that you never have to lug that Tribal Belief around with you ever again, if you don't accept it.

The Magic of being Sicilian is being replaced by the Wonder of being One with every living thing on this planet.

Namaste,

Reiki Doc

CRNA at the VA

As a new anesthesia resident, my first two weeks in the OR were with direct supervision from the CRNA's at the VA. The attending was in charge for both of us, and the CRNA was in charge of showing me the ropes.

Those were special times. I learned a lot, by working together and talking. In my excitement I talked with Gina about my future, and shared how after being a doctor, I wanted to paint, go in nature, and write in my twilight years.

'I'm not going to make it to sixty.' Gina said, in a matter of fact tone, totally serious. I was taken aback.

'How can you say this? How do you know?' I asked, in surprise at how this beautiful nurse anesthetist, in the peak of her career, the prime of her life, could have anything wrong with her!

'Because everyone in my family gets cancer and dies an early death. I am going to die of cancer too.'

At once I was moved with pity, compassion, and empathy for her emotional toll of having an 'expiration date stamp' on her life. I encouraged her not to believe it, to take what  comes, and to live her life with joy as she had always been doing. Her vibrancy, her big blue eyes, and her smile were effervescent.

As an attending, I learned that Gina found a husband. And in her physical exam for her new life insurance policy, a lab abnormality came up. The follow up radiological study found cancer had invaded a large organ and spread to the bones.  She bravely continued to work while undergoing treatment. She started losing weight, missing more and more days, and went on disability. She passed, barely making it to fifty. Her internal 'story' was right.

Metaphysically, what is going on here? Gina is an example of a 'tribal belief'. In growing up, she must have heard countless times, 'we all die of cancer. we all die young.' and gone to a lot of funerals. Somehow it got into her belief system that she would succumb to the disease too.

A tribal belief is something that we get from growing up in an extended family. It is a motto, a creed. Imagine the mafia or the cabal, and the 'tribal beliefs' that must have been passed down to them.
Did they have a choice? Do you recall Michael Corleone and his questioning his fate?

The most important thing to know about tribal beliefs is to know that they exist, and to examine them.  You have a choice as to whether you wish to believe in them or not. Only you can decide what is right for you. Even if you grow up in a cancer family. For example, some families with a high risk of colon cancer have annual colonoscopies from a young age, to be proactive about it. They are not as accepting of their genetic risk as Gina's family. Everyone has a choice, a path to follow, something that is right for them. Sometimes there is pressure from the family to accept the tribal belief. Sometimes there is guilt. Both of these are not based on spirit and the heart. Free yourself from anything you have not consciously decided is the right belief for you.

This concept of tribal belief is from Christel Nani, RN, who worked in the ER in NY, and became a Medical Intuitive. She was a pioneer in the 1990's. I greatly admire her work.

Namaste,

Reiki Doc