The sky's the limit!
Sometimes we believe we have everything 'all figured out'. We are cruising along in our own lane. And it appears that absolutely nothing has changed, that things are still the same. This happens because you are learning important lessons unconsciously. Perhaps feeling feelings you had buried a long time ago? Perhaps building a new framework for your strengths you didn't realize you had in your personality?
I work a lot.
Money is tight.
I do my best to be a good person.
I have had some insights recently that knocked me on my bottom! Like, 'what the heck?' kind of insights.
Remember Truth hurts sometimes. There is something about being incarnate where you think if it is in your sphere of influence and you are comfortable with it, then you are fine. That is why the Truth hurts. It is sudden awareness of our misperceptions.
First one--I had focused on my losses when it came to Ross. I have been and continue to live in a world of pain from our past mutual incarnation relationship. He was not there for me. He vanished in a horrible way. He was no protector or provider back in those times (he is now, I give him credit).
It came to me after mass--his greatest triumph also happened to be my greatest loss. And for him, it was a Good Thing. And because I love him, I could at least acknowledge his Triumph and Success and be happy for him to have lived out his Life Plan to the letter.
This is the first step in releasing my death grip on resentment against Divine Father for his plan, against Ross for going along with that plan, and to realize I played a pivotal role in the success of that plan myself--just at my own sacrifice of my life's hopes and dreams. The plan worked. I must have agreed to it on some level without my remembering I did.
Is this gaslighting myself? No. Absolutely not. It is holding the space in my relationship with Ross, and with Divine Father, for two simultaneous truths at the same time. Yes, it sucked to be me back then. But it really was Ross' biggest achievement.
How about the second Truth?
Even though I was abandoned in pregnancy, and I have done everything I could to raise a good son, and my heart is happy I got to be a mother, it does not negate the fact that I had a baby out of wedlock. Many women do now. I 'broke the rules'. Here I am upset with that Only Fans woman for her sleeping with one thousand men, and even more upset because my own son is a victim to something along those lines with someone he says, 'is like a famous singer' (polite cough, yeah, right). Yes those are upsetting things against God's rules for a happy life. But just because I am focused on their blatant misperceptions, does not excuse me from my own. I sinned too.
Do I understand why I sinned? Yes. Attachment trauma in the past. Severe trauma that I had been in denial about, trauma that caused deep psychological damage that makes it near impossible to bond normally to another human being. The reason that those attracted to me had been horribly abused and child protective services had to be called is because they were my mirrors I was not wanting to see. People like me are raised to accept behaviors a healthier person would identify as 'red flags'. We think it is 'normal' to be mistreated.
Deep down, every sin is just like everything else, a cry for love. Sometimes it is very distorted. But all of us are crying for love down here in this virtual repeat of Sodom and Gomorrah. Yes it will be nice to have God take control and get rid of the insanity. But, be open and honest with yourself about how being in this environment has affected you. Be willing to admit your mistakes. Remember they are a cry for love. And accept the love however it arrives.
Acknowledge and accept your shortcomings.
This has led me to a whole new way of breakthroughs in my personal life.
I let go of the anger, and frustration over our new group at work being rejected for our Medi-Cal application. I explained politely that in Legal Zoom the Articles of Incorporation are the one sheet from the state awarding you corporationship. But the Bylaws are the parts that spells out who does what in the corporation. So it was my mistake not to include them in the request for the Articles of Incorporation. I thought they were two separate things.
End result? People helped me to resubmit it and it is in process.
This was a ten thousand dollar mistake to our group. Because the state required an insurance policy. It cost that much. In August of last year. But now there is a second chance before August and renewal. Late, but not lost money.
Recently I got a parking ticket when I picked Anthony up for Spring Break. It was for parking in the red zone. What had been a loading zone had been repainted. I explained that I had just driven through bad traffic for two hours, and we were going to turn and drive back home for another hour an a half. I needed to pee. My son said I would be okay to go up to his apartment. So I ran. And I had the times of the texts, I had my Oura ring showing the activity of me running. I admitted I had made a mistake but I was thinking with my bladder and I am sorry it won't happen again. One hundred dollars is a fortune for me as a single mom. Would they please lower the penalty?
I was shown mercy. It was changed to a warning.
Again, I made a mistake while ordering beautiful recycled plastic Adirondack chairs for the yard. The order went through funny on Amazon. So I clicked again. I ended up with eight chairs instead of the four! Each box weighs forty five pounds! I can't lift them. Because it was not sold by Amazon technically (their inventory) but through the company on Amazon, I needed to straighten this out. I told them I loved the chairs, just I had too many. The deal was four hundred dollars for the four chairs, but the expense was eight hundred. I needed the refund. Through patience and kindness of others, I was allowed to pay for two chairs to ship and they paid for two, so I paid a total of eighty dollars (taken off my refund) to return the chairs. Also, they helped me get this done before I take Anthony back to school for the Spring Quarter.
The lessons are mistakes happen. God knows it. Other people know it. And we manage them as best as we can. Others can be our mirrors, our teachers, our coaches and our guides. Be thankful for your experiences. Be kind and gentle with yourself when new awareness of Truth hits. Enjoy the day and the freedom we have been given to be spiritual beings having and Earthly experience.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Twins
