This is possibly one of the longest gaps I have ever had while blogging since I started in 2010. Relentlessly I have been pursuing self-development and healing, mainly in the area of nervous system regulation and attachment healing.
There have been some pretty big breakthroughs!
About a week ago, something inside me 'clicked'. I realized that no only to I have the ability to recognize bullshit from someone else, but I also discovered the resolve deep within me not to accept bullshit from ANYONE! This is from someone with a strong freeze/fawn response developed in childhood.
I finally found my voice to call out the bullshit when I see it.
Another big area of growth was by watching videos for children whose mothers are narcissists and they are the daughters. It only took two videos. And I had a huge 'aha!' moment that explained a lot of the odd experiences I had growing up. Oddly enough, I never fawned over my mother. I knew she expected everyone to tell her how great she was. Over everything. And because it was expected I kept my mouth shut. Only when something was genuinely good would I compliment her on it. So in this keeping to 'truth', I became 'competition'. This explains the sibling rivalry (my sister was the 'favored one'). It also explains how at prom (I was an extension of her) prom dress shopping was hurried but kind, but bridal dress shopping she made me cry and I didn't even want to be there. It explains the hurt from renting a tuxedo for my favored sister's boyfriend without asking me, and for letting my dress get messed up before the wedding. There was a pattern. And whenever I spoke up for myself, I was gaslighted and made to think 'it was my hormones' or 'I was the crazy one' and she was 'the victim'.
This gives me peace.
Now I can move one because I understand.
What is ahead of us kind of makes me nervous.
We are in the beginning of the true sorrows talked about in the Bible. Society is truly beginning to fall apart, in some places more than others. With the cost of living steadily increasing we are like the frog in the pot of waters that is set to a slow boil.
It is at this point I would like to remind you that this is a Spiritual War.
Everything, right down to the popularity of fried foods exposing us to seed oils...is planned to the last detail, with the aim to sicken us and weaken us and deprive us of our birth rights. For some of us, we can live in a cabin near a creek and just detach from the 'world'. But for others, we must fortify ourselves as best as we can with the weapons of Spiritual War (reading the bible, memorizing verses, getting close to Spirit and being able to listen to Creator). It is important to understand that this war is a lot bigger than just us, and that in the end, God wins. So take heart! From what I understand, it's about three and one half years of progressively worse and worse, so when the AC steps out into the public, then, he's the big 'hero'. But that's a lie. And after three and a half years more with him at the helm, then the tides will turn.
I was watching football the other day. Sunday night, a filled stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey. And then again last night, same stadium, also filled to capacity. Can you imagine what would happen if all those people were demanding justice for the children? I know, right? Instead they cheer for their teams, as is our culture these days (it appeals to what is familiar and 'fair', I don't blame people. Plus they gamble a lot on it.). Whatever it takes to get through these years and these times, do what you can and don't take the mark. That one is not good. Really not good.
What are my goals, Ross asks?
To listen to the Holy Spirit, and to be able to hear when it's time to escape, if I am to escape, and where to escape to. In the meantime, declutter, and organize my life, and adapt to all the changes as they happen.
And to rest. My body needs it. So to rest as much as I can.
And to guide and teach others, not 'formally', but like this, just under the radar, so they will find hope and peace and joy that is beyond all understanding to help them carry on.
He smiles.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Cousins who kiss <3
