Early this morning, I awoke with a clearer understanding of my life lessons, and how everything pieced together. The theme is overcoming a belief in 'lack'.
My father was raised in extreme poverty. His father held three jobs at the same time to support the family. One job was gluing the shoe upper to the sole of the shoe for Thom McAnn. It was 'piecework'. The bosses could come in at any time and say that instead of ten pairs of shoes for a dollar, it was now fourteen pairs of shoes for a dollar. Dad's parents hid money in the mattress and didn't tell the kids. Their first priority was definitely NOT the children. It was their retirement. My dad had to buy all his own clothes since he was ten. He had a paper route. And my grandparents put one of my aunts into a convent because they couldn't afford another mouth to feed--it was temporary but was for years, not months.
The family lived in the projects in the Roxbury part of Boston. It was one of the most dangerous areas and still is to this day. My father's bike got stolen, he got beat up another time, it was not a pretty thing. Later they moved out to California. He got beat up here too, for his 'hoity toity' 'rich' Boston accent. He said 'ahnt' instead of 'ant' to say the word 'aunt'. Things like that,
My parents were horrible at managing money. Mom was always falling victim to 'get rich quick' schemes. She was a gambler at heart.
How did I get over that belief that money is something impossible, unfathomable, unable to acquire?
Through the men in my life!
Boyfriend in high school was a doctor's son. Money was never an issue. They weren't 'rich'--but his father had retired from the military, and continued to work as a physician. There were two incomes. I learned from my mom, who was friends with his mom, that they also took out a lot of loans and debt. With six kids, and all the cars and college tuition...that makes sense.
Husband number one, his family had not one but three houses! All from saving and economizing in the home, because the dad had one good job, that was it. Sure enough, with our joint account, the money from our incomes just kept growing and growing. Tens of thousands of dollars in a few short years! We didn't skimp as much as his parents, but we were careful with the money. It's a shame my wanting a house and a future got in the way of our relationship, and further, how his parents told him to 'put his foot down' with me. We might still have been together...
But husband number two? He taught me that there's some things in life that just are, are we need to adjust to them. If you go to a nice mall, in our area, you better dress well because people treat you better at the stores. Computers aren't just a 'fad', it's a new thing, you are worth it, you need one. And a cell phone too. Unfortunately, he had money issues. Lots of debt he hid from me. I made him do the credit card debt consolidation thing. Once it was almost paid off, he started spending like crazy again. Fancy fishing trips in Florida. Eight hundred dollar eyeglasses frames he drove to La Jolla to buy. It was time to go. My lessons had been learned.
Another thing that was 'lack' in my life, was love. When my baby sister was born, when I was four and a half, my world ended. Yes, around that time was the terrible attack on me, that was sexual, by neighbor boys. It's all mixed up. But gone were the times I was rocked in my mother's arms, listening to her heartbeat. My mom let my little sister push me out of her lap, and didn't scold her or give me any of the closeness I craved. I learned to be closer--and less emotional/tearful--by spending time with my dad and uncle. But once I hit puberty, that too changed, and the closeness became more distant.
I've looked for love with all of my husbands, boyfriends, all to no avail.
This makes sense because we need to love ourselves and convince ourselves we are lovable!
Fortunately, Anthony's father taught me that pregnancy doesn't mean someone loves you. Painful, sad, but true. And being able to give unconditional love to the child was very healing for me.
It's funny because with diabetes you are 'starving in a sea of sugar'. People would ask me, you know people like at Cobra conferences, how was I able to manifest so well? (nice car...)I studied hard and worked my ass off, that's how! But at the same time, my 'lack' had gone from money, to love, and I hyperfocused on the lack.
Manifesting resources happens when you shift your focus to the need for your soul goal. For example, working with books and crystals--if it was going to help my soul move forward, I didn't worry about the price. I needed it to grow. And somehow, the Universe helped me find the resources. When I needed a vacation, the pieces would fall into place. It's hard to explain. Some people want 'money' to have 'freedom' to do x and y and z. When you ignore the 'money' and go straight to the x, and y and z to get you to point AB so you can grow and do whatever, your trust in the Universe helps a lot. You must don't get held back.
Same is true for Love.
I remember I used to be so sad doing OB anesthesia. I wanted a kid. I didn't even have a partner. But one day I shared the joy of new parents who were very kind and nice. A month later, after softening my heart and enjoying their happiness without thinking of myself, I was in a relationship and pregnant too!
Everything is Love!
So here I am hyperfocused on the lack--which isn't real, just like lack of money/resources to create isn't real--and essentially 'starving in a sea of sugar'.
I've been learning. SO much! About attachment styles. About partnership. About boundaries. About self-love. Even about sexuality. Ross has been helping me get from our partnership in life/incarnate (tantra type specialist) to a beta kitten (my immediate past life) to my vague sense of things being wrong/disconnect in my marriages and relationships, to believing I am normal and healthy again. The attack when I was four probably had a lot to do with it too, feeling like something was wrong with me, something was broken. Yesterday, in meditation, I called all my pieces and expertise from all of my incarnations to return to me again.
This is the opposite of 'fake it till you make it'.
Faking it means you suspend the belief something is wrong with you, you act otherwise, and then you convince yourself that you are okay.
This is the exercise Ross and I would like to share with you--you take whatever piece you feel is 'missing' from your life experience, and you call back everything that ever had to do with that piece--into your soul/being/energy/consciousness. There is no way anything can be broken at that point. Then you get to wake up to a new you, one at the starting line that is fair and even with everyone else on the planet. You skip the 'catch up growth' and desperation for needing to 'fix' something. And you have alertness and ability to take whatever the day gives.
Ross and I have had heart to hearts lately during my recovery from surgery. A lot of my lack in resources and being lovable has to do with our trauma I endured back then. From his lack of protecting me with his Divine Masculine, and his going on his life journey which was...more for others than for his family.
Like pieces of a puzzle, my life in this incarnation, has given me all the medicine I needed to heal my soul on many levels, going back to the deepest wounds, which were from way back when, struggling to survive and to protect our family with Ross gone from us forever in the physical.
It's amazing and incredible how everything works! And it does work!
I worry/am concerned because this is something that makes total sense in the realm of spirit. Somehow it seems somewhat lacking when I transcribe it into words. So, I ask you this favor, please, when you attempt the lesson Ross and I are sharing, please, please, contact him to make sure you do it correctly. Really work in aligning yourself with your life purpose/goals/lessons and ask Ross and your guides to really show you how to connect the dots. Just in case I accidentally get you astray. My lesson is different from yours. All lessons are personalized. So ask and seek your lesson decryption--deciphering--increased understanding and clarity--for YOU.
with all our love!
Aloha and mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple who are very much in love from times past all the way up to times Present, in this eternal moment of Now.
