You don't know what you don't have. You just believe you are normal and everyone else is like you.
It has taken me sixty years to appreciate the concept of genuine self-love. I have heard it recommended for years, even my mother used to say we have to be our own best friends in life...I don't know, maybe I was too literal, but I couldn't see myself holding my own hand and riding off into the sunset like in a movie.
I just did not know what it was.
I come from a double lineage -- both sides -- of highly traumatized humans. On mom's side was war, child abuse, and disruption. On dad's side was poverty, early death of a mother, and cruelty. My dad's side of the family is especially low on self-esteem. I know this is genetic because I have a half-brother and he is just like dad and me in this respect: humble, self-effacing, and trouble with starting and maintaining close interpersonal ties.
Are we neurodivergent? Probably.
I remember as a child I could see how the Down's syndrome children were incredibly warm and engaging, and loving openly to their loved ones. It was like sunshine! I could not help to note that for me, with that part of my brain, it felt like being cold in the shadows and no matter how I tried I could not access that bright, unlimited, radiant warmth. I might have been intelligent, but just as Down's skews one direction in intelligence, I was keenly aware of how that skew was gifted in areas of emotional intelligence and confidence that I lacked.
I wanted that with all my heart, to be warm and able to bond with others who are close to me.
You might question how I arrived at self-love, then, on this sixty plus year journey?
Some of it was natural love for Divine Creator, it just flows and flows. Along with appreciation for Natura and Creation (animals, plants, science...).
Most of it was being devastated to my limits, over and over again, and realizing, 'guess what I'm still here'.
I wasted many years looking for outside validation, grades, possessions, partners. I bought a lot of things to help me feel better too.
I think the key was acceptance.
I have been trying very hard to lose weight for many years now. I track what I eat and when I exercise on little apps. I weigh myself daily. God wouldn't let me lose weight, no matter how much I asked for help. All my rental clothes subscription I had started last year because I thought I was going to shrink because I had found the right way to diet...I never dropped not even one size.
But I learned to look my best from the rental subscription my sister recommended when I asked her about my New Year's Resolution to be more fashionable and take pride in my appearance.
I looked around and not many people my age have tiny waists like I wanted to get back again by dieting. It was especially hard to see Joan the seventy-something weight lifter who went from looking like me to looking like I used to look with her figure. I realized her daughter is a professional body builder, and helping her. I still embraced Joan's encouragement and belief that health is number one. I continued to exercise but now for mobility and strength and enjoyment of life.
My family members all looked like me. Or should I say, now I look like my aunties and grandmothers.
Then something clicked inside. It was like a switch. The warm and glowing started to make itself known in my chest!
I can be heavy-set and still be beautiful! I can take what I have and make the best of it. And I can stop abusing myself by skipping meals and cutting carbs way the heck back (I do not really enjoy meat, to be honest). I was getting sad because I was so low on the carbs, it affected my mood.
By following health and weight loss content creators, I have learned that weight loss is done in 'cuts', six week challenges then you go back to maintenance. It is not one long steady downhill to your goal. The whole time you practice healthy habits and exercise. But you keep the major effort short term. Then you repeat it as necessary. I also know myself well enough that feeling full from GLP-1 inhibitors (miraculous medications, truly) is not something for me. I view it as there is GLP-1 'activators' hidden in almost all our food and the medicine is the 'antidote', but this is my own viewpoint and not based in science. The other thing is I limit carbs to protect my pancreas, but I also need to keep my brain and mood never lower than a certain threshold too.
From growing up in a rough neighborhood, I learned quickly that life can be harsh and to always be ready to save my own skin. That is survival.
Being able to look for and appreciate beauty as it fades in myself (and others, I adore Paulina and how she shares her makeup tips).
There have been some awful curve balls thrown at me in the last six months. One right now is there are rats in the attic. I paid almost one thousand dollars last year to exclude the house from rats, to make it impenetrable. But there are things running and scratching over my bed in the ceiling that make my stomach churn. Today there are workers coming to set traps in the attic like I have had them do many times before. I know it is going to be okay. It is unpleasant. But I know the steps and I am taking them.
I helped to awaken myself to my attachment insecurity, and learn and practice and grow.
My heart is good and always always is filled with love for others. Now I am learning to un-parentify and discover my own needs and to fill them too.
So, self-love is more than survival. It is making your way through a tangled mess, being proud of yourself and accepting for being able to keep going, and to truly appreciate your multifaceted beauty (or handsomeness!) that is your gift from Creator.
It never goes away.
The harsh self-talk turns into being your best cheerleader.
And you don't need outside validation any more. If it comes great but it's not going to change your opinion about yourself very much. You are strong in your own assessment of your weaknesses and strengths and are taking steps to improve always.
Even if it is just a silent prayer in your heart for things to get better. That is an excellent first step!
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Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Twins who are One
