It's football season again!
Last night I watched a game that took place in Brazil. It was the Chargers versus the Chiefs.
Other such games are planned for a total of seven world-wide this football season--in Germany, Ireland, Spain and the UK. American football is poised to become a global sport.
As someone who grew up with a father and uncle always watching football, I knew the basics of the game. I went to football games on Friday nights at my high school, and on Saturday mornings with my college. I was neither a fan or foe of the sport. But try as I might, it seemed that I could not understand it.
One day a few years ago, I confessed to my son over dinner that people had been talking football in the OR. I did not know what to say. I felt embarrassed. He calmly said 'mom I can help fix that'. Over time, my training has taken place.
I write this for the football 'widows' of the world who are aware that this sport has a control/connection to their husband's minds that nothing can break, and it appears that nothing ever will break it.
What you see is real. Your feelings are real. And I am going to help you understand the complex psychological science behind what is taking place.
On the surface, football looks like a game of brawn and strength, and also, quick thinking and agility. Why would grown men want to slam their bodies into one another, right?
What you wouldn't know, is that football strategy is like a living form of chess. You know chess is a battle of wits and there are many, many 'plays' or 'techniques' that go along with the serious player. Everything happens fast on the playing field. One 'play' might take minutes or seconds. But going into that play is a lot of strategic planning, practice, and memorization.
To see the strategy, you need to watch the films. There is a something 22 format, two views of each play, no hoopla, no fanfare, just silent film from the fifty yard line and also of the same play from the end zone. Then you can see how the players are arranged, how offense is poised against defense, and the movements of the players and the ball.
From what I understand, there are many coaches who are often former players, who coach players in the roles they once had, and above that are coaches who are like battle field generals who watch and call plays as the game progresses.
Not only is there more to football, in complexity, but also, football supplies men with the reward brain chemical that men are wired to seek: vasopressin. This one is released by men solving problems together. I noticed this while watching the series 'Hard Knocks' just a few weeks ago. Women, you know how wonderful it feels to have an emotional connection with someone? How it makes you feel seen, heard, and understood? That is because women bond through different neurotransmitters like oxytocin.
A poignant example of the 'men live on mars, women live on Venus' dichotomy of our bonding/excitement/attraction was shared to me by a colleague. He noticed it, and handled it skillfully. His wife had an incredible, wonderful story to share with him. His question to her was why she chose to share it during kickoff of the first football game of the season? He said he would be happy to listen to it any other time, so he could appreciate the wonderful sharing.
She wanted the oxytocin, and was motivated to increase hers. Unfortunately, he was locked in to vasopressin mode, and dopamine, and not as receptive to the oxytocin at that time. There was no way she could grasp the significance of the event taking place without having been through the intensive one on one training I have had with my son. And my son wants to have a career professionally related to sports. I am learning from the best.
Yes, some women are football fans. You see them. Some might understand, like me, the nuances taking place hidden in plain sight, from being raised by or associated with people who taught them how to appreciate the game. Others just may enjoy the tradition and fanfare like I did before my son helped to teach me. It doesn't matter.
What matters is, in your heart of hearts, if you feel abandoned as a football widow it's not your fault.
Annually men experience a cycle of testosterone, which peaks in October and is lowest in Spring. This sport not only coincides with that cycle, but it has engrained itself into other socially important validation avenues for men in addition to the activating of the male bonding hormone vasopressin. I am talking about the fantasy football leagues. My son waited his whole life--nineteen years--for a spot in his father's friends fantasy football league. Winners win money from the pot everyone contributes to. Losers in the season, the worst loser, has to wear a diaper to the next draft. This is male bonding on top of the regular game!Your friends, your bets, and your reputation all together! Fantasy football leagues are when you select your own team based on the stats across the league--you can have a quarterback from one team, and a running back from another--they don't have to be together on the same team. And from your roster (they take turns picking who they want, your friends in your league and you) depending on how the players perform, you get points. You are paired with another from your fantasy league each week. One wins the other loses based on points.
I found this frustrating because before my kid had 'his team' but now when he explodes with happiness or with anger while watching a game, it is often because of how it affects his fantasy team--even when his 'team' team on the television is winning.
So now you understand.
Our men are living vicariously through those who have athletic talent to fully devote themselves to the game. These players make incredible amounts of money. The teams they play on themselves have billions of dollars of worth just in being able to market merchandise and TV coverage and tickets. Fans align themselves with these teams and when their teams have a winning season they feel good about themselves. There is actual sports history in the making as the teams work their way through the season to the playoffs. Sports history is fascinating. A nice way to learn it is through Peyton Manning's series 'Peyton's Places' on one of the channels. It is a nice show and highlights different important teams and players in a lighthearted way. Peyton once dressed in an Elvis jumpsuit and ran plays Elvis designed himself with local high school students near Graceland. I never knew Elvis was such a big fan!
Doctors with Reiki is all about healing.
Even though today is not about the typical things I write about, my heart is filled with compassion for these 'football widows' who are hurting and feeling abandoned this time of year. When it clicked while I was watching Hard Knocks, I realized, 'nobody can win', not against the powerful neurochemical reward system of vasopressin that has been activated in our men. Men NEED this validation and bonding to feel empowered and masculine. Our brains as women are different. We have different needs, and yes this time of year takes away some of our oxytocin with our significant others. On the other hand, now that you understand the situation, remember that you have the opportunity to bond through the vasopressin that is being activated. Some women provide food and snacks which is appreciated on one level. Sitting and enjoying the game with your loved ones is another level of appreciation. And asking about the fantasy football league how it's going will give your loved one an opportunity to feel seen, heard, and understood (asking outside of game play of course, during downtime).
It is though knowledge of our differences that brings us closer together.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
Ross does not watch football but he keeps track of the games and enjoys the fun.
