Tales from the End of the Road: Trust

 

I am in the middle of some very huge changes at work. Sometimes when you go through changes you get additional confirmation, kind of like signs to let you know everything is going to be okay.

This one has three signs. I can't believe it. First, one of the people I dreaded to work with at the new position decided to take my old position. The person is fine...but due to their culture they 'push' a little 'more' than in my culture to get what they want. I smile because that person declined outpatient originally saying that they needed 'x' amount of dollars a month to survive. I have seen at best two thirds and usually half of that amount every month. So they are in for a surprise, and I am not saying anything.

The second sign is that my co-Chief Resident from training, who had been running three outpatient facilities, also jumped ship. Now the position will be corporate, he has an MBA, and is going to run a large multi specialty group. The timing is about the same. My sense of 'something is wrong with outpatient surgery' is really validated. Not only are the patients getting sicker and the cases moving faster, but the reimbursements are very low. I see one third of all cases at the facility I work at go without anesthesia, either a nurse does the sedation or a patient has local anesthesia only.  

The last one was a shock! A leader in a local anesthesia group just 'retired' suddenly. This was because of politics with the hospital, and the younger anesthesiologists had a meeting and deliberately excluded the 'older anesthesiologists'. 

Deep deep down, my gut has sensed that I am being moved to be spared something that is coming down the road. I can't put my finger on it. My guess is a closure like when Covid hit and only emergency cases could go. But it is a random guess, I do not know. A sister facility where my Chief Resident friend works is looking for new proposals from anesthesia groups. And the anesthesia 'coup' was at a sister hospital. 

I have to apply for new health insurance. My coverage has been the same for ten years, a Covered California Obamacare plan. But over the last two years, all of my friends I work with in the OR have stopped taking that insurance. The reimbursements are too low. So you might want to check your 'in network' if you are on a similar policy. I am grateful the surgery center and hospital still take it. But for the price it's not so good if you can't go to primary care, your gynecologist, or other specialists. 

How am I feeling?

That is a very, very good question. I've been avoiding feelings. They are not my strong point. I can see clearly with my old outpatient anesthesia group the dysfunction (we were not paid for two months!). I see the passive aggression, the lack of leadership, and denial of responsibility. I was in my masculine for two years and it was really hard on my system. Back at the hospital my hours will be longer, which is a good thing because I do not do much with the extra time when I work outpatient--I just sit and wait for the scheduling we do at four pm for the following day.

How do I feel about Big Things? You know the Life, Death, Forever ones? I see it coming. The secondary confirmation thing needed online is really getting out of hand. Anthony had some trouble with a credit card not working, and in trying to straighten it out, I had to verify myself by phone text secret code like after every screen I went through on their website. There was no phone number to call, no way to get help, and finally a chat box came up. I ended up with that and then also calling the tiny number on the back of the credit card. These 'validations' to me are just one degree removed from that thing in your hand or forehead so you can buy or sell. Food prices are scary. We may not be 'there' yet but I can see it off in the distance.

Does it disturb me? A little, because I love looking at old vintage footage of cities in the 1950's and I feel sad how things have really gotten worse compared to that. The architecture and the clothing was beautiful. I also know that once things get really bad, it means resolution on the other end of that tunnel is even closer. Whether I am alive or not by that resolution, no one can know, but that resolution is right on the tails of the awfulness. And I pray day and night for everything to be over, to resolve, and for life to be beautiful for everyone again.

If you are in the System, I do not fault or blame you. It just IS. And I know there is a lot of training that has gone into the End of Times--you might not even be aware that you carry such training under the edge of your awareness. But for those of you who are in the System, and who have a love and respect for what is Good, and who choose to act on it, wow! You are one of the best of the best and I applaud you for your strength and courage!! Know that I and many are cheering you on in your efforts!

No matter what, if you are experiencing changes or looking to changes or just doing your best to make sense of everything, focus on everything around you, on what is at hand. Take the opportunity to LOVE everyone, and let it be known how you cherish them.  God is with you. There are legions of angels watching and sending protection and love and healing. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Enjoy Nature, the sky, the birds, the breezes...be present and know there are gifts being sent to you every day from Heaven.

That is enough for today.

Ross nods in agreement.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Good Ones

Tales from the End of the Road: There You Are

 

I have been praying for clarity regarding my upcoming career switch. It is looking like I must choose one setting over the other. At the surgery center I have learned excellence with my anesthesia care. The bedside manner, the interaction with staff, and the precision and timing of sedation are sharp and focused.

On the downside, there are a lot of politics. The surgeons who are unpleasant do not even say hello to you when you say hello to them when you are reviewing your parts of the chart together at the bedside table.  I shake from stress--either avoiding surgeon anger and outburst, or from time pressure to perform--on most days. Even when I go home at noon like I did yesterday, I am not good for the rest of the day except cooking and watching TV on the couch.

While I have been asking for clarity, a nurse I really like a lot said in the locker room, 'keep being a unicorn!'

I appreciated that. 

Wednesday there was a code blue in a different OR, I had ran in and helped. And my help made a big difference. I was first to arrive and also just fresh from recertification of my ACLS, PALS and BLS. I had spent all Saturday in online classes.

The patient survived to go to the ER.

Yesterday another important thing hit me, sometimes a decision can be sad but it is still the right decision.  I had been wanting to stay where I am part time, and to go when I feel called to go (like the prodigal son). The opportunity is really once in a lifetime, to share an FTE with someone super nice and flexible. 

Where is Spirit in all this?

I am hoping with extra time, by working half time, I can get back to my spiritual time. Lately I rush and I can't even talk to people through my phone because cases are so fast. Maybe it's just the times, too, I don' know.

When I am quiet I see a lot of my trauma coming to the surface. The being afraid of being yelled at while I work is a total reminder of my mother and her unpredictable outbursts of anger. The walking on eggshells. The low self-esteem. 

Sometimes healing is simply acknowledging what is taking place, and removing yourself from the situation. You then forgive and 'forgo' (look up Dr. Ashkan Farhadi's work for more on that one--advanced healing from being harmed).

Do I see anything going on in the world, any indication of movement towards our Awakening? Not really.

Do I sense anything from Spirit? Only to move back to the O.R. and to do a 'glow up' --intensive self-improvement. And I would really miss some of my surgeons who only work at the center not the main OR. Opthalmalogists, a gynecologist, and orthopedic surgeon.

Just for today I won't think about it.

Just for today I will focus on joy.

Is Ross saying anything? No, he is quiet. I can sense that this lesson is helping me to find my voice, and to gain the courage to go for what I want to be happy, and to accept that sometimes we try things, they don't work out, and we need to move on to something else. When I am deep in a lesson, he watches, he doesn't direct or coach me. 

Hopefully this lesson will be done soon.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Couple

Tales From The End of the Road: Upheaval

 

Good morning! 

Oh how it feels good to write!

I don't have much time, and I promise not to be cryptic, because I am watching the clock carefully.

About a week ago I was going to write a post about how, if you are some mega-rich multi-billionaire, and you are building a fortress compound to survive some horrible end-of-the-world situation...it is probably better to place your trust in Divine Creator like the rest of us 'little people'. There is 'this world'. Then there is 'Eternity'. Why invest so heavily in something so temporary and limited like this incarnated life?

That was before my own personal explosion of my life took place.

My dream job had been no nights, no weekends, no holidays and I waited TEN freaking years for my old boss to retire so I could work at the surgery center. I got this job two years ago. I was invited. But since then it has been a soul-crushing experience for me. Not because of the workplace itself. It is because of the responsibility I was given to create a new corporation using Legal Zoom. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. But the forms and scrutiny and extra unpaid time demanded of me to fulfill this project was taking so much of my free time I was supposed to have by working outpatient!

Then the 'herding of cats' effect came full force:  my other anesthesiologists in the group. First they didn't trust me. I had to provide copies of every single email I had with all of the billing company and everything else. I had to upload all the documents that the corporation had created. I didn't do the banking that was the treasurer. But instead of a 'group' we got a King and a Prince who were in charge of the money.

They decided some financial moves that put me as a single provider for my family at risk. 

You know how God sends you increasingly stronger messages that you are in the wrong place and it's time to move away? Well my June payout report had misdirected over almost ten thousand dollars! I saw the mistake. I pointed it out. But the King and Prince decided that they wanted to go by the report from the old billing company. It took herculean effort on my part to get partial correction out of an outgoing head of billing. It's still not complete. And the correction I still have to work on for the last seven hundred dollars.

When months ago this hit, and then they were talking about punishment for showing up late and delaying start times, I contacted a colleague at my old work. I had covered for another anesthesiologists' vacation during my own time off in June. I had come home happy. Anthony had seen it. 

And Anthony encouraged me to leave my current situation and move on. I was glad to get understanding, warmth, and kindness from my old work. So I committed. My dream was half at my old work, half at my current.

On giving notice, my current boss became very angry and denied me work there, except as vacation coverage. Already even without a letter of resignation he is hiring someone new.

This work situation keeps causing me pain, again and again, deeper...so I endure. Had I expected it to blow up in my face? No. But deep down I sense God's Divine Protection and I obey and follow how Spirit is moving me from one situation to another. At my old job working half time I made more than I ever did working full time at outpatient. Like the prodigal daughter I am grateful to be welcomed back.

Trust God. Trust the Universe. Trust in Spirit. 

You never know what tomorrow may bring.

Emotionally I am still recovering from the shock, and I am leaning on those close to me for support and comfort.

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Twins