Failure is Success in Progress!

 

I am trying new things with my work.  I said 'no' to a work environment that did not respect me--partly because of my being unable to accept the good with the bad like a neurotypical anesthesiologist.  When my income was denied due to a mix-up, it was war because they made me prove through the people who mixed up that they mixed up. Not just my bank statement and my saying they mixed up. It was a ten-thousand dollar amount. After my doing two years of clerical work forming the corporation and getting contracts for them for free. 

Trust goes both ways.

I found out yesterday, talking with the accountant for the group, that the lost money I had been trying to ring the alarm about for months, totaled to nine thousand dollars. What happened was that checks written by United Health were on a pale green typical check paper. But the BMO lockbox which deposited the checks, the safety feature deeper into the lockbox system, kicked the check out for 'being unreadable'. They took a horrible unreadable photocopy of the check, and sent that in a notice to our group that money was being taken out of the account.  It was never deposited back. 

Overworked, I asked a colleague who was good at talking with that insurance company to approach them. I gave all the copies of the letters. 

He just shrugged it off. He pressed me for the numbers on the checks and the amounts that were not there. He could have looked them up. On the bank statements (where the accountant found them). He just is a new father and has other priorities. 

Going back to the main OR was fantastic! I got a new locker in the newly-opened women's locker room (these are very scarce things if you do anesthesia especially in outpatient). I had two backup calls. And a bonus Wednesday off! 

However this is half-time.

This week I gave to a sister outpatient anesthesia group. I live by the new facility they got the contract for. I had been hoping they had gotten all three open contracts--GI center, under the hospital outpatient, and this freestanding one. Well, I had to go for a meeting on Saturday about blocks. But I could only attend half of it, I had an appointment. The guy was good with blocks but wasted an hour on 'sterile technique' and I'm trained in surgery, I know how to put a sleeve on a probe. 

My first day was awful.  I couldn't have made more mistakes. The anesthesia machine looks like ours with the electronic flowmeters, but they have old-school knobs in a place where I had to have someone point them out to me. This facility, to save time, skips pre-op assessment. There's a corner of the anesthesia record where you check a box that says 'no change from H and P'.  I've never seen that done anywhere in my many many years of providing anesthesia care.  The nurses were rushing me. I couldn't eat. I barely got one glass of water between cases. My blood sugar plummeted by the end of the day. Surgeon was upset, he went behind my back and asked someone else to put in blocks on my two patients. He took money away from me, and also, showed disrespect. One patient had blood pressure drop to forty ('he's moving' they complained and I deepened him). Another had bit the LMA so hard no air could pass, then had Largyngospasm. Desaturated bad but I got them back. 

I was nervous to go back the next day. 

I was supposed to have three cases but I ended up with one because the other two cases moved rooms.

What I realized is this is an orthopedic surgery center. Most orthopedic surgeons do not appreciate medical complexity--especially if it can stop a case from moving forward. That explains the little check box. They want the cases done as fast as possible and to get out of there. 

The new anesthesia group got the contract by promising speed. And they commented that my old outpatient surgery center their 'fast' wasn't really that 'fast' was it?

Some things are not a good fit. And like dating, you just move on. I didn't expect anything.

But then there was an emergency. They needed me in a little strip mall surgery center. They were starting to do spine cases in a place that usually does plastics. I've worked at places like that before. The first time it was plastics and the scrub tech was suturing (outside the scope of practice) and I got a credit card stolen from my wallet. But they paid me at the end of the case. The second time, same group in a different location, and I never got paid. No matter how much I asked. I ended up threatening small claims court, then I got the check. 

It was awkward with the team all of us never having met or worked before together. The neuromonitoring tech was very nice. Even though it was a little scary to be just me there, and no other anesthesiologists, the patients were super nice. And the surgeon made a judgement call that was for patient safety. Would I go back? I don't know. But it was better than the orthopedic place. And from what I hear from my colleagues, they get paid. It's by mail or by Venmo.  Time will tell.

There's this thick, juicy space that is between what you have, and what you are going to have next, that is wonderful. Even failure is good because not everything is meant for us!  Yesterday and today I am home and I LOVE IT!

Bunny got a nice grooming and bath, I enjoy caring for her. I picked the last apples from the tree. I went to a pizza place for their lunch buffet and the place was filled with Junior High students who went there at the end of the day. They were loud and awkward and running around. They had bought pizza and shared. I would never seen kids this age--mine is too old now. So it was a slice of life adventure and a good salad with some slices of pizza. 

It is okay to fail. 

Failure is a part of life.

And when something as important as your happiness and work are 'moving around' it is okay to 'take the best and leave the rest'. These things take time. And keep at it. Don't settle. Life is too short. Oddly enough, my hospital gig looks better and better all the time. Newer machines and nicer colleagues. They are getting along much better now than when I left.

I'm switching gears. I believe there is a slow release of certain knowledge about what goes on behind the illusion of how this world is run. My first friend ever, a conservative in Texas, posted a video from a survivor. Another friend from the block, construed the video as 'oh yes that's Bubba' (in reference to another video where a DJT 'blows' someone with the nickname Bubba'). The first friend said if all you can get from that video is Bubba then that is sad for you.  She posted a meme that said for a huge portion of the population their whole personality--a big part of it--involves hating DJT. 

I took the red pill ages ago. This is nothing new. For me, I just commented one word, frazzz=-llll---odrip.

They won't take the bait I'm sure.

But Roseanne Barr posted a video. She said things are going great and give it a few days. But her head was shaking 'no' the whole time, and she touched her finger to her nose (a clue of lying). I admire her for speaking up the times she has. And I am curious what she is alluding to. I suspect the soft disclosure is what is happening, and it is so soft people do not realize what it actually is. 

I saw a video from the deceased VG, the 'unstoppable' thing she set up after her murder as plan B. It was fascinating too.

So, hopefully in a short time, we will arrive at something that has been planned since the early sixties and seventies by the good guys in the military. 

God speed. And pray for our world to be liberated from the liars.

That is enough for today.

Ross

How bad is bad?

How awful does evil need to get before everyone notices it?

That is a powerful question.

There is a 'king of this world' who is in charge of it. According to the book of Revelation he is going away for a thousand years, will get a 'brief time out' and then go away forever.

Carla saw a video from a woman who claimed that we are in that 'brief time out'--where the Dark One reigns. She asserts in the video that the stuff in Revelation happened a long time ago. 

Which would mean we are closer to full and complete resolution than one might think. 

Carla asked someone she trusts, what do you think about this video?

And the person she trusts, said, 'ask Ross' what he thinks.

(he smiles. What a beautiful smile he has--C)

I am at a loss for words.  

(he strokes his beard as he is thinking deeply)

What is the best possible outcome that could be had with this opportunity?

C: over and done with it forever, and only Heaven's rules forever, everywhere, always

Carla, how did that change?

C:  I understand that Heaven has never lost control, nor will it ever, and that all that conflict is a lie, and that even though there are a bunch of lies, everywhere, and evil everywhere you look--like evil like in the Sodom and Gomorrah levels described evil--it is just a small 'blip' in the grand scheme of things. And even though the 'soft disclosure' and other things are harbingers of what is to come, even that is tiny in comparison to the wonder of Creation. And the wonder of Creation, if we so choose to tap into it, can be with us Here and Now, in our hearts, and nothing can ever take it away or separate us from Source. 

R:  THAT IS THE answer I would give your friend.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Couple who is Happy

On Faith and Trust

 

Things have been 'moving around', and lately I have been seeing the 'bigger picture of things'.

One of the most striking realizations is that everything tends to work out for the best. Once you decide on a course of action, it is like dominos falling against one another, boom! boom! boom! from the Universe.  I haven't had that experience since deciding to go to Medical School and quitting my work in corporate industry. 

Recently, it seems as if I am on the right track.  My energy feels brighter. Especially since mid-August, the life circumstances are improving. Today I finally got paid for my work in August. The work problems that had been weighing me down are slowly coming to improve.

About the 'bigger picture', well, I do not like the magenta pink aurora borealis. I haven't seen them before, only the blue, white and green. So it's strange. Especially that we see them so much further to the south.  I realize the ability to control the weather, and to weaponize it, exists. And the mysteries in the book of Revelation about the sky being on fire and other horrors now have a plausible scientific basis to support them. 

Did you know that a certain Utah based faith fellowship, one member I work with, said that these auroras were a sign of the end times?

Yes! That's extra data points.

I realized that although I do not especially LIKE the way things are heading (under the rule of the Anti you know who)...I can see the much bigger Universe which has checks and balances and control especially outweighs the 'earthly status quo'.  In essence, although I can't control any of it except my reactions, the situation actually is under about as much control as there can be. The forces of good are in alignment and moving forward without hesitation. 

Another thing I 'realized' is that artificial intelligence  and control of information cannot override our connection to Source. Our 'inner knowing'.  The 'false'  sure is trying to be 'sexy' and incorporate itself into our lives! But in response, others are coming up with things like the movement to 'appstaining', a play on the word to abstain or 'go without' to take a break from digital activities for a bit, and to open up to more natural forms of interaction. 

Did I do 'work' on my recent travels? Yes. I had wanted to stay home, actually. Spirit insisted I go. So I went. I am glad I did, because without listening and following guidance I would not have arrived at Resurrection mindset. 

I would say the 'work' I did globally was more of a 'touch up' than a big thing, though. I never know in advance what is to be asked of me. And when it is asked, I double-check just to make sure.

Keep searching for, and continue doing, what brings you joy, peace, calm, and happiness.  Give yourself time to reflect. If you sense a need to 'change course' and 'redirect', by all means do so. And ask for Divine Creator to help! This life experience is an 'open book test'.

Ross

I am extremely happy and pleased with Carla and her development. Did you know she was hungry for dinner two hours ago? Then she wanted to take a shower and head down to dinner.

What happened? 

She understood she needed to write, make herself a new bracelet and then she could shower. 

But what intervened?

Work.

Her old job was jumping out from the emotional grave like an old horror movie! There was an 'incident' with 'overlapping billing times', and she couldn't scan and save the file. Why? Because the computer storage was full. So she had to figure out how to make room, which is not one of her strengths.

Patiently, and without emotion, Carla took care of those things for an hour. Then she wrote. 

It was not even a blip on her radar, she was calm and focused and committed to completing the tasks.

So now, I am going to help her build her bracelet, and THEN she can go along with her day. With what SHE had been planning to do.

Do not take exception to your role in the Higher Realms while you are incarnate. Stay humble. Do what you are sent to do, both in body and soul. Have patience when the going gets rough and you are tangled in the 'mundane earthly things'. Your calm energy and focus provide US up here with what it takes to get the job done with the BIG big picture, the liberation of Gaia and Her People.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Twins

Tales From The End of the Road: Reboot

 

So what happens when you Resurrect? Like, the 'post resurrection day number one?'  (I laugh to myself).

For me, I took care of the tasks at hand. Up before dawn in time to make it to the airport. I was happy because my kitty there was sitting in the middle of the sidewalk. She saw my luggage, and I got to wish her good luck and say goodbye.  I did the tasks, flew back home, drove back home, remembered to put the anti-rat boxes under the hood, and paused to examine the dead small lizard in the driveway.

I slept. 

And in the morning, the first thing I saw in my mind's eye, before I woke up, was the face of my Kauai kitty, the feral mother to be. 

I am grateful for the connection.

Today in a word, I was discombobulated. It was hard to focus. I took a nap in the morning watching football. 

There's chores to do. I settled for unpacking, going over the mail, picking up my thyroid prescription, and getting Mexican takeout. 

The outside turtle had dug a huge deep pit underneath the peach tree. I filled it in with a shovel and lots of elbow grease. 

If I could give you an image, it's my Hawaii self pixellating away, and my new 'in the moment' self starting to come up on the screen. But instead of a two-dimensional screen, it's all my layers of self, the emotional body, the mental body, the etheric body, the akashic body, the physical body (which has a fever and cough), all of the layers...and it's Mercury Retrograde!

So I let go, and I allow. 

Aside from the rebuilding and letting go, I learned something very important about myself on this trip. I got homesick.  I used to think I wanted a lifestyle of being an invited speaker. I enjoy sharing and reaching out to groups. After over a week, I was ready for home. Hawaii is funny, it opens up for me, but then it's time to go home. On my last night I killed a cockroach in the bathroom. This was a nice resort! But I sensed it was time for me to leave. 

My friend Robin at the conference is seventy. You would never guess. She used to teach when I did my fellowship. Her specialty was outpatient surgery, eye cases, and she had a nice fluid warmer on her seat so she could be warm. She and her husband just retired. She said about social security is that you try to make it to sixty seven to start collecting it, but also, you hope you live to like, eighty four. Because any longer and you run out of money.  She and her husband were there. They are staying later because there's no work to return to. 

At the grocery store where my pharmacy is, I saw a woman hoarding infant formula. She said that hers was contaminated. And recalled. The clerk said she couldn't take more than a certain amount. But she said they were different kinds. She didn't seem like a mom. And I didn't know what she was using to pay for it. But what I did see was she bought only that. And as I exited the store, I saw her walking back in. She did not make eye contact. 

You don't see moms without kids. 

It was very odd. 

Times are strange, and spirit told me I am going to get a new bracelet. So I will listen to spirit now. Figure out what to make. 

And perhaps I will pixellate back even more...after that. 

Ross says to be gentle with yourself, and to be kind. These are difficult times. And he says to you, 'I love you'. Always to remember that.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Twins

Resurrection

 

Any moment, while we are alive, we can change. We choose. We select. And we start a new path. These are the ground rules for being human/incarnate.

Unfortunately, for a good many reasons, as humans incarnate we are not huge fans of such changes! Yes, we enjoy the 'rags to riches' story, or the 'lost tons of weight and got in shape' story for inspiration. But how about when it comes to our own lives?

My comfort zone, ever since I was little, as it is part of my nature and disposition as a cancerian moon-child, is to hold on to grudges and to avoid painful experiences.

For months now, years, perhaps, I have been on a path of deep soul cleansing. This is not a 'dark night of the soul' per se. It is quite the opposite. I have been examining my life story one chapter at a time, and deciding what to keep, and what to let go. 

For example, both of my marriages had some pretty terrible memories in Hawaii. So much so, I thought perhaps the island was cursed for me. 

In January/early February of last year, I went to a conference. But this conference happened to be walking distance from the hotel where my second marriage was officially over. The bad memories were so bad that I left a restaurant in tears in front of everyone. I had decided earlier during a luau in Lahaina that the devil I knew was better than the one I didn't, and I wanted the marriage to work. We had a good time there. But I can't explain it how things just totally fell apart. He decided we were through, he slept on the couch and I slept on the bed, and it was a long, quiet flight home. 

So that trip last year, I got up my courage, and walked to that hotel. It was hard. Emotionally. The place looked the same as it did twenty years earlier. But I sat, I reflected, I visited the gift shop and the spa store, and I deliberately made new happy memories. It was a beautiful hotel. 

This conference, was on the island where I had my honeymoon with my first husband. I reflected a lot on this trip, because I spent two nights in the same hotel--it's been rebuilt after a hurricane messed it up. I realized how happy I had been on my honeymoon--my husband had planned it, and he paid for it. It was my first ever trip to Hawaii and everything was exciting and new. I had a bad cold at first. But he was kind, we got along, and I experienced a happiness I had never dreamed possible.

When we came back home I was radiant.

But on this trip, I realized a pattern. I left my unhappy home at first by studying and going away to college. Then I escaped it by getting married. 

So many times in my life I repeated the same pattern over and over. I studied hard and went to medical school to escape the unhappy marriage. By then everything was my fault and the emotional abuse was severe. 

On our second trip to the island, my first husband and I went to attend the marriage of his long time childhood friend. But it was strange. He was marrying a Japanese woman. But for the rehearsal dinner, the groom sat apart with all his old childhood friends. I sat with strangers. My husband and I fought a lot. I clearly had never understood the concept of rupture and repair. That it is a normal skill for relationships. 

It turned out that the groom was dying of AIDS. He was homosexual. I am not sure if the Japanese spouse was true female and friend, or perhaps male presenting as female. Either way, she took very good care of him as he got sicker and sicker, and passed not much longer after the wedding. 

I decided on this trip I was going to marry 'me'--to celebrate how I've taken good care of myself and had a pretty good life on my own. I did a chocolate tour. I went on a nice botanical gardens tour. I spent a lot of time journaling after conference morning sessions. Then around four or five I would go to the water. 

I felt the feelings. 

I forgave myself for what I didn't know.

Ross guided me through some meditations. 

Right now it's still a powerful full moon, they call it the Beaver moon. With full moons we let things go.

Oddly enough, although I used to hate cats (not only am I highly allergic, my parents and later my sister chose cats over me. At least the sister apologized)...there are some feral ones around here. I made friends with a pregnant one on the property. I bought cat food for her, and Churu treats. For the past three nights I have fed her. And daily she got her treats. I didn't react when I touched her, usually I get big red blotchy welts immediately on my skin.  All those months of watching Donnie the Cat Whisperer have helped me to accept cats for what they are, without all my resentment, pain and confusion from the past attached.

In the water today, Ross asked me what the hardest thing about today was? Waking up wasn't easy. Some other things were little bit hard but still not super bad. But then I felt in my heart, to ask God to help me to let go of all my pain from my past. To let it go, all the resentment, the misunderstandings, the baggage...I asked to start each day as new. And to only deal with the matters at hand, based on trusting my eyes and common sense and ability to communicate. 

I am sixty-one years old. Some people might be able to breeze through these lessons, it might not faze them. But for me, with early childhood trauma, with being on the spectrum, and with being gifted...there are a lot of social cues I miss. But holding on to the past like a badge of courage is only hurting me. It's taking away my enjoyment of here and now.

I encourage you to deep clean your soul, no matter now long it takes, and to allow your soul to heal. When you get to the part where each day is a new day, and you are living in the moment, you are reborn.

You resurrect. 

You no longer are a 'zombie' where you feel dead inside and are overwhelmed. You thank yourself for getting you to this point, and you let go of the old which was weighing you down. 

It's a good thing!

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The couple

A Pattern

 

Probably the best thing I am useful for is recognizing patterns. 

I don't know why or how but it is. I remember being shown patterns of big, colored wooden beads by the school counselor (she had pulled me out of class for some tests and I wondered why a grown woman was playing with beads with a second-grader during school hours)...she was delighted, thrilled that I could repeat the bead sequences she showed me. They were ridiculously easy to string on the shoelace. 

But even now, when I logged in to my bank account, the code for the secondary confirmation/validation I was surprised at how I barely glanced at the code before it flashed away (the notification on my phone) and I was able to remember and get it right.

Yesterday was my last day at work at the Surgery Center, at least as full-time partner. I walked away from that for many reasons, the scariest of which is how little regard my partners had for the rules about our particular style of corporation with the IRS. But also, for wanting to be treated with more respect than to have them make me prove a simple bookkeeping mistake by our old billing company before I could be distributed my funds I had earned. 

I see a pattern in myself.

But first, a happy one. Yesterday the song 'Name' by the Goo Goo Dolls was playing on the radio in the bird room while I was getting him ready for the day. My bird listens to the oldies station to keep him company while I am at work. And when 'Name' was popular, I was in medical school. But it wasn't much longer that I got the bird (internship). I smiled inside because I'd rescued him long enough for 'my' music to make its way to the oldies station. When I'd first got him, it was sixties and seventies music on the playlist. 

Back to my pattern--I escape.

Yes.

My home life was terrible as a child, growing worse with the politics/persuasion of my one sister who basically 'ruled the roost'. I studied like crazy, got good grades, graduated and escaped to college. 

But when my marriage went bad, I repeated the same pattern, except this time it was for Medical School admission. 

Medical school, residency, and employment has been a total roller coaster. From 'the Match' where you end up going to wherever the computer in the sky tells you to complete your training...a lot of things are outside of your control. I chose to do a cardio thoracic fellowship. And moved away to San Diego to finish it. I came home on Wednesday nights to my second husband. Again, by then the marriage was bad and I chose my education  and job security over his madness, unhappiness, and entitlement to my doctor's wages. 

It was a huge shock to my system to be let go from my position at the University. I had anticipated staying there my whole career. But actually, Divine Creator had better plans. I met wonderful people, I had more access to vacation and travel, and I made way more money. 

The only downside was call. Starting the day and working sometimes twenty-four hours straight, including nights and holidays. I played the long game, I waited ten years for my boss to retire, a spot opened at the surgery center for full-time, and I jumped at the chance! I escaped call! Finally.

What happened there? I was honored to be given the chance to create our corporation (my retiring boss retired his instead of passing it on). It was gnarly working through the red tape of the ''system' to make it happen. And my colleagues had dysfunction. I realized again I was acting like the overachieving daughter in a dysfunctional family...which is my basic pattern.  

When I worked for a colleague back in the Main OR to give him some vacation coverage, my heart realized I missed my old staff I worked with. It was like vacation too, having electronic anesthesia records, well-stocked carts with some of the expensive drugs you need still there at arm's reach, and anesthesia technicians to help with the start and end of the cases. The medical complexity, the slower pace, and ability to eat instead of the rush, rush was like heaven. My son saw it when I came home I was happy. And I realized one colleague was toxic to me, at the surgery center, and the anesthesiologist running the group completely understood my distress and made work available to me so I could escape it.

It was very nice to have a goodbye yesterday. People said kind words. And there were two expensive cakes. One said, Good Luck and Thank You -- Anesthesia Department, the other said Reiki Healing and had a little red heart. I had done an FTE worth of work for no pay in creating the corporation, negotiating contracts, finding a billing company, etc. For the replacement for me they actually offered two percent of the group income to them (but not to me lol) the same as was charged by my old boss. Administrative fee, he called it. 

On the couch, during this overcast Saturday, I rested. It is like a fog has lifted. 

For me, I see the pattern leading to escape was that I didn't understand the skill/process of relationship rupture and repair. I couldn't even understand my own emotions, let alone someone else's. The concept of self-regulation, and co-regulation, was really new. But I see it now.

And I connected to Source. You see, with Outpatient Surgery, the pace is very fast, except when there are gaps in the schedule, and there's not much time to think. Slowing down today was nice. And Spirit asked me what I want now? In my heart of hearts?  We had reviewed my early childhood, getting to my babysitter's before my construction worker grandfather left for work--EARLY in the morning and eating breakfast together. I remember getting out of bed way early, driving over to their house...And grandfather coming home from work at the end of a long day. Those were on good days.

The not-so-good days were in preschool (I dropped out after three weeks) or other babysitter's houses. School was a haven compared to that. It was a haven even after my grandparents because back then I watched too much TV, there wasn't much activity for me. 

We went over every significant other I had, one I almost had, and why it was not meant to be. 

I asked for Ross, I said how much I need him. And what I request for this phase of my life is emotional safety. I have good physical safety now, I've worked hard for it and I am so grateful. I realized that Spiritual safety is a given and again I am highly appreciative for that.  I could see how our emotional bodies are bumping into one another, and misunderstandings crop up. 

That's why there's the photo I chose for this blog post. This is an example of how it was originally meant to be--when you are little there are healthy, safe adults to help raise you. 

What are your patterns? Do you have any? It takes a lot of life to life to begin to see them. And what I was told by Spirit is that once we advance with our lessons, we are able to move forward in life and enjoy it more. 

There is another pattern I noticed. My friend Lisa of Tarot background. She is ever evolving herself. Her latest photo shows LIGHT in her eyes, and her Spirit is strongest I've seen it in a long time. I smiled inwardly. Lisa has a need to understand. She goes through philosophical frameworks like the seasons of the year transform the surface of the Earth. And she talks about it! I am so grateful that she shares. 

For me, I accept. I even accept that some things are not able to be understood, they are felt/experienced, and that is that. I have no drive whatsoever to adjust my belief system. What Is, IS. The Universe and Divine Creator Created it. Both the seen and the unseen. I appreciate that. As a part of it, I let it be. Yes perhaps I grumble in traffic or I think perhaps it would be nice if certain elements were not influencing daily lives of all of us as much as they do...Yet I trust there is a Purpose, one I may or may not understand, at the moment, but perhaps in time I will, and even if I don't, things will work out for the best. That's the final endpoint. 

I have a little trouble with the whole Reiki being demonic thing. We have our senses and our intuition, and I know dark ones want to shut it off completely while amplifying their abilities in the spiritual realms. The 'system' works to separate us from our intuition/inner guidance. 

But Lisa, she takes on the religious--I remember her asking vegan Doreen V. where the pigs are that funds were raised to help? Lisa was ferreting out deceit. As a survivor of religious trauma these things are important to her. 

Today, though, I saw the pattern and I understood--Lisa is accessible. Her thought processes she shares are going to resonate with a lot of other people. And like a spark Lisa lights up the way. Always moving forward. 

Me, it's my grumbles that resonate with people. I tell it like it is. And that helps others to move forward too. 

I like it, our team.

There are others, they know who they are. I am watching and appreciating all they do too. 

Every single one of us is important.

But for now, the patterns are shared enough. It's time for lunch and to get on with the day.

Ross

Carla has been telling you for a while now that I have been quiet. She has been in one of her lessons for a long time, or so it seems to her. The recognitions of the patterns is a little painful, at least the ones she sees in herself.

I would like to add that for Carla, her astrological chart, has her 'happy happy' place through placements of when she is learning. 

There is a common theme in all of her 'escapes' and that is to 'learn', not just to 'learn and to grow' as an individual, but to commit to actual learning of a new skill. 

I would like to add that in addition to her new found 'forming an anesthesia corporation' skills, Carla has taken up the Hawaiian language on DuoLingo, and her streak now is over nine hundred and fifty days. Again these are patterns and it brings great comfort to her to acquire new abilities. She also finally met the challenge of learning how to cook Mexican style pinto beans with the dried beans. It is a life-saving and economically valuable skill. It took several tries to get it right. 

I also would like to share of Carla's courage and dedication on behalf of those in her care. Not the medical care. The family care, which, at one time, included me in our past life.  Carla spent all afternoon looking for her backyard turtle. This was after her triumphant last day at work. Every afternoon she comes home and enjoys spending time in the back yard. But no matter where she looked, there was no turtle. Turtles can get stuck, and need to be freed. For example a turtle who is flipped on its back is in a terrible position! Someone needs to right it or it will die. Five times she circled the yard. There are holes from the squirrels and the gophers. The biggest one is plugged up with a bag of heavy sand. The new one at the roots of a tree, she found a stick and measured the depth, it did not go through very far. She looked over the fence for signs of turtle escapement. 

On one of her rounds, near the rosemary bush, which is five years overgrown--she saw a scoot mark in the dirt that looked like a turtle had made it. But usually, the turtle goes at night to the same place. But late in the day, it hadn't made it. So even though she had lifted the branches of the rosemary bush many times, she looked deeper, and found the turtle wedged deep asleep next to the fence underneath. 

To make sure it could get out, she trimmed the lower branches. It took five trips to the green waste bin and totally filled it. You could always see the turtle and you know it will not happen again. 

All's well that ends well!

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Couple

Welcoming Change

 

There is something about the human condition that finds comfort in what is known and continues to be experienced. We call it 'tradition'.

But as a school, not much learning can take place when everything remains the same.

Change is in the air! Not just with the autumn leaves and bright colors...Spiritual change is afoot. Why not step back and allow the changes to present themselves to you? People can change. Opportunities can change. Allow yourself the 'wiggle room' knowing you are free to 'take the best and leave the rest'.

If we do not let go of what is in our hands, we will not be able to accept the newer, better things our Divine Creator has in store for us. 

We do not promote going ascetic and giving everything up! But when you get that little 'nudge' go ahead and look into it a little more--that 'nudge' of 'change' might me a 'chance' for something even better and new!

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Couple

Tales From The End of the Road: The Descent into Spiritual Darkness

 

Screening patients for the presence of heart disease prior to surgery is a difficult task. The reason is that the onset of cardiac illness is insidious. The patient slowly, gradually changes their activity level without realizing what is happening. The classic question to ask is 'can you climb two flights of stairs without having to stop and catch your breath?'

Lots of people do not have stairs or need to climb them. 

One of the questions I found more helpful is to ask if the patient can carry the groceries from the car to the house unassisted. When people say, 'oh no! I need help for that.' I have found the information I need. And I make adjustments to the anesthesia plan.

When I see, I see with both Spirit eyes, and my regular eyes. 

I've heard things about the largest city in my area. I've seen YouTube videos, documenting homelessness and tent encampments. I've heard of the human waste on sidewalks, the rampant drug use, and the poor shop owners who frantically clean up the mess every morning before opening for business. 

I also have felt a vague avoidance to the area. I chalked it up to 'traffic'. For several years now, I avoid that airport like the plague. If there are any other flights, even not direct, I will purchase them. 

Yesterday I experienced how low the energy is in the area. 

I won't elaborate.

But the navigation in the car took me through some pretty challenged areas. Low income. Struggling. Areas that didn't assimilate. Tent cities. Brazen people crossing the streets wherever and whenever they pleased, with me avoiding making eye contact and hoping they did not come near my car.

I kept hoping it would get better but it never did. 

I remembered how poorly I have been sleeping. I thought about how my patients need me at my best. What was I doing staying up late so far from home?  I was in no shape to socialize--I had been crying all weekend over missing my mom, even so bad that I went to McDonald's to remember her 'home cooking'. 

I called my sisters.

When you hit such a low you lean on family. 

I turned around and went home.

Every sign to my intuition was saying no, not here, not now, no...and I listened. 

My friend Alexandra Meadors, years ago, had gone with Kunda Ra (more later) at his invitation to Los Angeles to do 'spiritual work'. Except it was a trick. Instead of trapping dark spirits a huge portal had opened up and all kinds of awful energies were unleashed to the area. 

Those darknesses have been active, a you can see the fruits they have produced over the years. 

It is so sad.

Watch for the fruit.

The changes are happening around us without our realizing it. 

Stay connected to Source. Do not let others extinguish your Light. 

Know you are making a difference. 

Pray for conversion of the darkness to the ways of Heaven.

Remember back home the streets are paved in gold and have no name. 

Ross

The weekend was productive and somewhat challenging for Carla. The pressure at work is strong, only two weeks to go before returning back to the hospital. Carla is facing her goodbyes to people who have meant so much to her for the last fifteen years. In her heart she knew with Anthony growing up she needed to surround herself every day with people who loved and cared about her and him. And she wanted to continue the back and forth between the hospital and the surgery center. 

That was not to be. So BACK to the longer days, the nights, the call, the weekends, the holidays (but not first call true overnight). 

For half time.

Carla needs a rest.

She wants her mother because life for her is challenging, both personally and financially. And also with her energy. Every time she works out something gets sore and she has to rest. 

But slowly, steadily, things are healing in her heart and soul, and this is reflected with the back yard looking better than it has in ages, with tiny areas of the home becoming more organized and clean, and with maybe even trying to decorate somewhat for the seasons. 

For many years Carla put her life on hold in order to be of service to her family and to her spiritual family...and also, in the hopes of 'some sudden change on Earth for the BETTER'.  She started in 2010 in earnest. 

Only everything around her has been steadily going 'downhill' in a socio-political-spiritual  kind of way in the 'world'.

That kind of patience is hard to find, the hoping for the best. I know. I've been incarnate, and I appreciate the effort. 

Do what you do, with the hopes of living a long life unfettered by 'what is' in the outside world,  and at the same time, with your eyes set on Heaven and the readiness to accept 'sudden changes' in either direction as indication of 'movement' and ultimately 'movement' is a sign of progress in reaching our mutual goal.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Couple

You Can't Tell By Looking

 

This is for extra credit.

If you are living your life to the best of your abilities, and embodying love in every interaction, you are doing fine.

It's time to talk about the double-messages that are encoded in every piece of entertainment there is out there commercially. For every plot in a story, along with it, and overlaying it, is a hidden, or 'occult' message that only those in the System can understand. 

Sometimes just for fun I try to see if I can get the message that is meant to be hidden. I have followed Jessie Czebotar for years. She is one of the plainest looking people you could ever see, no tattoos, not much makeup, someone easy to lose in a crowd. She always has really good posture and control over her emotions/reactions.  By birth and age four, she was selected and trained to run the entire business of what she calls The System.  She had to live with her grandmother--who currently had the position--again, a very simple and hard to pick out woman --and one day she would succeed her. Training was all the time. Even when Jessie went to school, she was taken out of school (the System covers for such things) and sent to more training. By age nine she was ready to do the work, her training was complete. 

But she left.

And if you had to find an actress who looked like her, it would be the girl in Escape to Witch Mountain. Very similar with freckles and petite.

Why do I even bring this up at all?

Last night I finished the second part of a fascinating biography about a certain actor that is on Netflix. He was popular in the 1990's and has been in and out of rehab multiple times. I myself was surprised to learn that he has HIV. It isn't surprising, considering the lifestyle. But it is still sad.

Many times in public in the past he dropped hints, 'I am a warlock'  is the first that comes to mind. 

I don't think he was lying. 

There was even an episode on his TV show where a cute girl lured him into being a human sacrifice, but his mother ended up being the one to do the sacrifice and she untied him from the restraints and yelled at the girls. She outranked them.

In Los Angeles the leader of that portion of The System usually has a little more noticeability. The secret isn't as well-kept. I had heard rumors about a certain comedian who was in that role and he was the one who demanded Travolta do his sacrifice. This guy's roles were with him playing very dumb! I never would have guessed it.  There is a book Jessie recommended, I read it, about a woman who was actually a Bride of Satan and converted to Christianity. The stories from her about the parties in L.A. are eye-opening. The actor who was the subject of the documentary not only was on top of the popularity/hireability/succeess in Hollywood...chances are he had some ties to the system too.

And in the system, you must guard your posture (composure) and keep secrets--which this actor was not. He was doing drugs. Lots of them. All the time. The System will only cover you for so much, to hide your 'sins'.  He was pushing the limits.

Have you ever heard of the pop music term a 'one hit wonder'? There are a lot of them, actually. One song makes it to the top and then you never hear from that band again. 

Why is that so?

Rumors have it that the artist or band was invited to join the System, and they did not agree to the terms, so that was the end of the fame. Off to concerts at shopping malls and summer fairs and that's it.

In the documentary, they marveled at how psychologically, this actor would get success, incredible success, and then throw it all away and self-destruct. 

Maybe there's deeper psychological significance that I am not qualified to identify. But deep in my gut, if you are a good person, and you get something by unfair means, it is going to eat at you. Somehow you are going to react to it. And to me that's another thing, a pattern, pointing to what the self-declarations are true.

Then there is a stretchy truth: when confronted directly, did you have sex with a young actor against his will back in the day? Well, that actor is dead now. And the documentary actor said, 'no, that's a lie'. I tend to believe victims over alleged perpetrators. But again, earlier in the documentary, he admitted to having sex with men, he wouldn't change it, and it was the crack cocaine that brought that urge out in him.  Maybe someone under the influence wouldn't remember or even worse would assume it was consensual. 

To me, the hidden occult message is that your circle will cover you up to a point, then they will not. And the good friend from sports who was 'always there' may have also been in the role of the 'protector' as Jessie had hers in The System. He was a good guy, I liked him. But again these circles have people paired up with protectors. 

You never know.

Sooner or later all of the secrets will come out into the open. But until then, I look for the hidden signs. It helps to pass the time.

You might enjoy this pastime too. 

Ross

Remember this is an entirely optional exercise. And in the end all that is hidden will not only be exposed by Creator, but will always be under the control of what is Divine. As in Heaven, and angels, and very good things. Life is going to get better. You may always trust in this.

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Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Couple

Tales from the End of the Road: Adapt

 

It has been a very strange week. There is a government shutdown here in the United States. At work people were concerned because there is a free Air Show in Huntington Beach this weekend. The military planes will not fly in it. Some other groups, like the Canadian Snowbirds, will perform. 

Then there are the ostriches who are in Canada that are going to be culled. Four hundred of them. I imagine they are worth a lot of money, it is the whole life's work for the ranchers who own them. All because they caught a flu and got over the flu. These aren't even meat ostriches they are research ones I am told. 

Football is well underway, it is week three of the season. 

For me, I had the excitement to see a hawk sleeping overnight in one of our backyard trees. I also was excited to see a praying mantis near the front door. Our apples are ripening on the tree. When I was in the inflatable jacuzzi the minute the sun went down, I saw a rat moving along the bottom of the fence and into a freshly refilled bait box. 

My son is funny he calls evening when all the neighbors walk their dogs 'dog o'clock'. We never officially called it that in the back yard, but our time enjoying the back yard goes away at 'rat o'clock'. The pest control guy said that the numbers have gone up and down over the season and I noticed myself a lot less rat 'evidence' around. I am grateful for that.

At work I am in an evolution of change. It is so strange. I got my dream job--no nights, no holidays, no weekends...but it soured. You need good people to do business with, ones who are on the same wavelength as you. Here, my group was not, and they talked and made decisions behind my back. I was uncomfortable with that. But when the handling of group funds was not on the up and up, due to one delay after another, I had to get out. I had to get into a situation where  there was enough work and enough consistency to keep things going on the home front. Now I am looking at taking call and working holidays and weekends. It's not as bad as it sounds. You are with people you know. And for an empty nester it gives you something to do.

The point of this is two fold:  the Creator wants you on a path of constant growth and change, and this growth and change feels easier if you look deep within and follow your heart. 

I have only two more weeks to go at my current position, and it is feeling better every day. An OB Gyn came up to me and asked, incredulously, 'what are you doing??? it is CRAZY over there at the hospital!'

No.

Doing seven cases in a row at breakneck speed without any time for food is crazy. Treating a patient's blood pressure over 200 in the recovery room while being rushed to take the next case in, who is a 'known difficult intubation' is unsafe. I needed time to talk with the husband (who I have done anesthesia for twice) who didn't want to take his elderly wife home because she was in a lot of pain. I had mentioned to the team she probably was a better candidate for inpatient/hospital surgery instead of outpatient, but the patient had agreed to just get it done today. 

The hours are long in the hospital. But I can eat. And I can do what it safe. With just one phone call a patient can stay overnight for pain control if needed. It is the real thing. Being stressed to almost having chest pain because of the whims of a surgeon who owns part of the surgery center is not worth it. I will miss my friends for sure, and also my afternoons. But I need to keep us going financially and it is not going to happen if I stay put.

A lot of the change is due to Anthony. He saw me come home from the hospital happy this summer when I gave vacation coverage. It had felt like vacation being there. He encouraged me to ask for my old job back. 

Sometimes our loved ones can recognize what we ourselves can't.

It's time to go start my day. Enjoy the season. Remember to do your Reiki and to connect with Source/Creator every day.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Couple

Tales from the End of the Road: Inner Enlightenment

 

Today was a day where things started coming together in my mind. I do a lot of thinking when I am on the road.

I am not sure if I told you, but I follow the Burned Haystack dating method, where a rhetoric professor teaches us how to recognize toxic patterns and to protect ourselves by blocking those who are toxic. Even though this applies to dating specifically, I find it is advantageous in other parts of like such as work.

I got the sneaking feeling that my life situation was simply ahead of its time: single mom, no real support from the father.

I liked to think it was because of my attachment style and my past traumas I had tried so hard to heal. 

It is dawning on me that all of this is deliberate, organized, slowly executed social shifts to lead us to one of the main points of Agenda 2030--elimination of the family unit and children are raised by the government. 

There is a reason that men act the way they do when it comes to women--generations of single moms and exposure to all kinds of vices--make the Peter Pan syndrome a real experience for many people.  I heard of a fifty-seven year old who was just now 'emotionally ready' to find a younger wife and start a family. Fifty seven! That's grandpa age!

On the drive home I looked at myself--with all my education selling myself short and not embodying the Divine Feminine to the best of my ability. I pay it lip service. But one-on-one all the old tapes start playing and I just cave in. 

That is also by design.

So, we females carry the medicine to heal our social woes--the ability to honor our Divine Feminine nature in every single social and work and family interaction that we have. And if our intuition and 'gut' are not standing up, and the old fawning habits kick in--STOP! Reflect. Take a moment to readjust yourself...and move along with honor to your soul. 

There has been a sophisticated assault on the Divine Feminine on a Feminine planet! It continues...so remember to fight 'fire' with 'your own Divine Flame Essence' be it masculine or feminine--let that be your gift to yourself and others...in all things!

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

P.S. Ross is saying 'yoo-hoo! Yoo-Hoo! YOO-HOO!!!

That reminds me of when the Dementia hit my grandmother, she couldn't remember who our family was, and to get our attention this sweet polite Italian woman would yell that Yoo-Hoo! to get what she needed.

Tales from the End of the Road: My Mom's Greatest Advice

This is knowledge. 

The same drive for us to learn and explore, is the same longing for 'being like God' by Eve in the Garden of Eden. 

What is the most sophisticated and heavily used weapon of our time?

Chances are you are on it now, and was able to access this, through it. Yes, that's correct. It's social media.

Knowledge and Information is weaponized, sadly, against us. 

I know I took the bait when I was upset over four hundred ostriches' fate in Canada. I got pretty worked up over it.

But you see, as long as I am focused on what is happening to the ostriches THERE, I am technically not present HERE in my sphere of influence in the real world. In cyberspace I am by no means an influencer. But I do what I can to shore up the 'Celestial' end of the battle for our Home and our spiritual family.

It is time to embrace Wisdom. 

When we are working with our minds and hearts in synchrony, we are allowing Wisdom to arrive at it's own pace, at its own time.

Sometimes wisdom comes from making mistakes and learning not to do that again.

So what was my mother's wisdom?

She survived a world war as a child. Her advice:  don't be a hero. Blend in in order to survive. You can survive it. Just don't call attention to yourselves. And, furthermore, what good are you to the cause if you are dead or imprisoned? 
 

Reject the need to argue one side or convince others on the internet. Many are simply bots, not even human, but computer, who do these posts. 

Remember that the more polarized we are with our beliefs, the easier humanity is to control. Divine and Conquer. That one is right up there with 'Problem-Reacton-Solution'. 

Enjoy and nourish your soul through your Spiritual Life. Let your beliefs guide and console you in these difficult times. Even though there had been a marked split in the reaction to the death of a certain speaker CK, be cautious with your online activity. The internet is forever and you do not want to be placed into a 'bin' based on your political posts on social media. 

Lie low.

Everything is being monitored. Not to be paranoid, but to acknowledge the technical ramifications of our actions in these times.

Everything is going to happen for the best. Just always remember to put your thinking cap on, and use it!

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Cousins

Tales From the End of the Road: The White Market

 

As the Digital ID plays itself out, I would like to take a moment to share about my newest member of the family, a California Desert Turtle named Lois. Lois belonged with my first friend I ever had, a neighbor growing up down the street, for over thirty years. But now that she is retired, she is having a new house built and relocating to the Hill Country in Texas. 

Apparently turtles like this are against the law outside of the state of California. And, if she needed to take the turtle to the vet, it would be awkward.

So, she thought about it, and thought about who might be a good fit to adopt her baby. She asked, and I joyfully accepted.

Her sister, who lives not far from me, apparently had been watching Lois until the house was built, so Lois never left the area. Both of them came with the heavy modified doghouse, and brought a week's worth of food. 

This is an example of the White Market. 

Unlike the Black Market which has been around since time began, for the detriment of human society, the White Market has gone by many names...donations, charity, sharing, community assistance...and you might not think about it.

The White Market (barter) was around long long before currency.

It's coming back into importance as the times and current events march onward to their eventual conclusion. 

That is enough for today.

Ross

Pray.

Allow yourself to be guided by the Holy Spirit, by your Conscience, by your connection of Soul to the Eternal Source.

That will nourish you as well. In important ways.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Twins

Tales from the End of the Road: Never say Never

 

Good morning! It is cloudy here, and overcast. 

Yesterday was a big day, if you are 'on' to the 'numbers game' in the UK. There was the big announcement.  It did not surprise me.

Why? Because something funny was going on when I got my new phone. You know how you transfer your apps to it, and you have to log in? Well, certain apps almost didn't let me without 'proper authentication' (polite cough). Now I have to log in from emails or other devices to prove that I 'am really me'. It was scary to see how fast my years of work online could disappear all for not being able to log in. 

My dear cousin, who has passed, was a stuntman. And he called it FANG--Facebook, Amazon, Netflix and Google--were tied in with the government in making the plots for movies. It wasn't just 'creative' any more, or even 'money motivated' to make a winner. He still loved the action and the work, and he read the Bible every day, but he saw and he knew a lot about the business. 

Facebook was the hardest for me to log in. If I hadn't had it on my computer I would be locked out. Amazon was easy it just transferred right over. Netflix isn't on my phone. And Google? I use it same.

I prayed this morning while I did my Bible study. I was worried about the times and the signs of the times. Even if this ushers in a short time and then we get to the 'good stuff' of 'Heaven', doesn't God know we get PTSD and trauma? I have the best Bible and I actually color in it. Coloring soothes me. And the chapter was Exodus 39. It spells out the outfit and the breast plate of a priest. Moses had to tell the people what God told him about how to make it, and then they made it for Aaron to wear, and Moses approved it. 

The people (if I dare call them that) who are holding the power and running the world still believe in Moses and the Temple. Right now there are priests who are trained in the sacrifices at the altar with the red blemish-free bulls. This goes way back. 

I also realized if Kerth Barker could endure the horrific things he endured with the people (if I dare call them that) who were deep into the 'ways of the (polite cough) light' then I can put one foot in front of me and get through my days with my easier life circumstances. 

Then when I sat down and was looking through the photo choices for this, I realized, we already have an identification as a soul:  our soul frequency, our energy signature! That's frequency and vibration--numbers--too! Energy signature decides where you get to go in Heaven, like a badge here on Earth--you know, how some areas need special clearance? We each have our own unique frequency, and this is what I connect with when I talk to someone who has made the Transition and is On The Other Side. 

I do not think anything can destroy our energy signature.

But the anger at the presence of it, and the special clearance it signifies apparently has angered approximately one third of the angels who once were in Heaven and fell. No wonder why there is a push for a twisted parallel at this time, to restrict and deny innocent others under their domain (humans). 

I might not be able to change anything. But I can sure call them out on it. And I can pray. 

Well what about your love, your inside connection, you may ask? It's quiet. My father was a teacher, I knew that the teacher's edition in the textbooks existed, but my school district and curriculum were completely different. I never got the answers. Not like my friends accused me of. I just learned and understood what was on the test. 

It's the same here. I have loving support and my significant other helps me when I get overwhelm with fear. The rest is all observation and introspection and luck.

Do not be afraid. 

Somehow things are going to work out.

Trust in the plan.

And as Ross says now, 'enjoy the show!'

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Twins

Tales From The End of the Road: Truth is More Stretchy to Some People than to Others

 

Remember how smoking tobacco was once considered 'healthy'?  Cigarettes were in movies, in the Sea Rations for the soldiers, people smoked inside their cars, even pregnant mothers enjoyed their cigarettes...

There was a time in France where wine and alcohol were encouraged, to decrease shyness and to help people fit in socially. 

Both are addictive.

And sometimes with addictive substances, after a time where the user has free will to choose, in time, the brain chemistry adapts and the person becomes dependent on it to function. 

I have seen the end stages of disease brought about by these substances in my patients. It's not pretty. It takes lives.

Remember there are big lies, and there are little lies. Consider the possibility that we could be completely surrounded by lies. 

For example, the 'low fat' diets for heart health in the eighties. In reality, these were a recipe for kidney damage. And diabetes. 

The only way to know Truth is in your heart and by being close to Spirit. Spend time alone with your heart connected to Source every day. 

You may be surrounded by a society that lies like a rug (pun intended!)--but as long as you know and follow YOUR TRUTH everything is going to be okay.

Take everything else with a grain of salt. Whether you have studied things that are hidden in plain sight, or not, know there's lots more above and beyond what has been studied that is really messed up too. So just know it's out of our control externally, go along for the ride, enjoy the popcorn as you watch things unfold, and keep centered and focused on your own path.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

P.S. Ross says Nature is a sure way to re-set and enjoy the truth. And also, there's always the cat videos--Carla's favorite is Donnie the Calm Cat Whisperer on Insta and maybe other platforms too. It brings her joy to see him work with all kitties even the 'spicy ones'.

Tales From The End of the Road: The Movie Scene

 

There has been a lot happening recently that has been disturbing. Especially for me, a physician with experience in Trauma at the trauma center.

Have you ever seen the movie, the Kingsmen? It came out oh, around 2015. The hero is a guy named 'Eggsy'. His father had been a Kingsmen and died in service. So another Kingsmen, Galahad, sponsors him to go through the training.

He makes it to the final two.

During training each student is given their choice of a puppy to raise. And in the last test, the dog is in the room with the headmaster and the student. The spy student is given the command to 'shoot the dog'. 

Eggsy can't. He yells back at the headmaster. He is expelled from the secret society of spy warriors. 

The secret in the movie is that there was a blank in the gun. The dog would have lived if he had followed the command.

In training of another kind, the victims are given pets to love. Everything else is chaotic around them. They don't know who to trust or how to respond to these increasingly psychological challenges--and physical ones too. They are victims because this particular training is designed to shatter the mind and make people undetectable trained for their job--even they don't realize it because the mind compartmentalized in order to protect itself. 

At some point, the pet is destroyed in front of them, to further along the training. 

These victims are part of individualized training.

It happens too to large groups of people. Hungry people, stressed out people, afraid people are easier to get to do what is wanted of them. 

Pray.

This is a spiritual battle.

We are fortunate to have access to some of the playbooks of the past for the opponent. That is what is being shared with you today:  the purposeful encouragement of emotional bonding with something that is suddenly taken away. 

The opponent may take advantage and exploit a psychological weakness in humanity. But remember always, Spirit has ways of bringing things around for our side too. 

All is not lost.

This is only a phase, another battle or skirmish, in the all out Spiritual War that is hidden in plain sight.

Ross

I am here to encourage you to feel, to grieve, to process the difficult emotions of the past recent effects. Remember to lean on me and to allow yourself to re-align for your higher purpose.

You've got this.

Keep going.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

A Communication about American Football

 

It's football season again!  

Last night I watched a game that took place in Brazil. It was the Chargers versus the Chiefs. 

Other such games are planned for a total of seven world-wide this football season--in Germany, Ireland, Spain and the UK. American football is poised to become a global sport.

As someone who grew up with a father and uncle always watching football, I knew the basics of the game.  I went to football games on Friday nights at my high school, and on Saturday mornings with my college.  I was neither a fan or foe of the sport. But try as I might, it seemed that I could not understand it.

One day a few years ago, I confessed to my son over dinner that people had been talking football in the OR. I did not know what to say. I felt embarrassed. He calmly said 'mom I can help fix that'. Over time, my training has taken place.  

I write this for the football 'widows' of the world who are aware that this sport has a control/connection to their husband's minds that nothing can break, and it appears that nothing ever will break it.

What you see is real. Your feelings are real. And I am going to help you understand the complex psychological science behind what is taking place.

On the surface, football looks like a game of brawn and strength, and also, quick thinking and agility. Why would grown men want to slam their bodies into one another, right?

What you wouldn't know, is that football strategy is like a living form of chess. You know chess is a battle of wits and there are many, many 'plays' or 'techniques' that go along with the serious player.  Everything happens fast on the playing field. One 'play' might take minutes or seconds. But going into that play is a lot of strategic planning, practice, and memorization. 

To see the strategy, you need to watch the films. There is a something 22 format, two views of each play, no hoopla, no fanfare, just silent film from the fifty yard line and also of the same play from the end zone. Then you can see how the players are arranged, how offense is poised against defense, and the movements of the players and the ball.

From what I understand, there are many coaches who are often former players, who coach players in the roles they once had, and above that are coaches who are like battle field generals who watch and call plays as the game progresses.

Not only is there more to football, in complexity, but also, football supplies men with the reward brain chemical that men are wired to seek: vasopressin. This one is released by men solving problems together. I noticed this while watching the series 'Hard Knocks' just a few weeks ago. Women, you know how wonderful it feels to have an emotional connection with someone? How it makes you feel seen, heard, and understood? That is because women bond through different neurotransmitters like oxytocin.

A poignant example of the 'men live on mars, women live on Venus' dichotomy of our bonding/excitement/attraction was shared to me by a colleague. He noticed it, and handled it skillfully. His wife had an incredible, wonderful story to share with him. His question to her was why she chose to share it during kickoff of the first football game of the season? He said he would be happy to listen to it any other time, so he could appreciate the wonderful sharing. 

She wanted the oxytocin, and was motivated to increase hers. Unfortunately, he was locked in to vasopressin mode, and dopamine, and not as receptive to the oxytocin at that time. There was no way she could grasp the significance of the event taking place without having been through the intensive one on one training I have had with my son. And my son wants to have a career professionally related to sports. I am learning from the best.

Yes, some women are football fans. You see them. Some might understand, like me, the nuances taking place hidden in plain sight, from being raised by or associated with people who taught them how to appreciate the game. Others just may enjoy the tradition and fanfare like I did before my son helped to teach me. It doesn't matter.

What matters is, in your heart of hearts, if you feel abandoned as a football widow it's not your fault. 

Annually men experience a cycle of testosterone, which peaks in October and is lowest in Spring. This sport not only coincides with that cycle, but it has engrained itself into other socially important validation avenues for men in addition to the activating of the male bonding hormone vasopressin.  I am talking about the fantasy football leagues. My son waited his whole life--nineteen years--for a spot in his father's friends fantasy football league. Winners win money from the pot everyone contributes to. Losers in the season, the worst loser, has to wear a diaper to the next draft. This is male bonding on top of the regular game!Your friends, your bets, and your reputation all together! Fantasy football leagues are when you select your own team based on the stats across the league--you can have a quarterback from one team, and a running back from another--they don't have to be together on the same team. And from your roster (they take turns picking who they want, your friends in your league and you) depending on how the players perform, you get points. You are paired with another from your fantasy league each week. One wins the other loses based on points. 

I found this frustrating because before my kid had 'his team' but now when he explodes with happiness or with anger while watching a game, it is often because of how it affects his fantasy team--even when his 'team' team on the television is winning.  

So now you understand.

Our men are living vicariously through those who have athletic talent to fully devote themselves to the game. These players make incredible amounts of money. The teams they play on themselves have billions of dollars of worth just in being able to market merchandise and TV coverage and tickets. Fans align themselves with these teams and when their teams have a winning season they feel good about themselves. There is actual sports history in the making as the teams work their way through the season to the playoffs. Sports history is fascinating. A nice way to learn it is through Peyton Manning's series 'Peyton's Places' on one of the channels. It is a nice show and highlights different important teams and players in a lighthearted way. Peyton once dressed in an Elvis jumpsuit and ran plays Elvis designed himself with local high school students near Graceland. I never knew Elvis was such a big fan!

Doctors with Reiki is all about healing. 

Even though today is not about the typical things I write about, my heart is filled with compassion for these 'football widows' who are hurting and feeling abandoned this time of year. When it clicked while I was watching Hard Knocks, I realized, 'nobody can win', not against the powerful neurochemical reward system of vasopressin that has been activated in our men. Men NEED this validation and bonding to feel empowered and masculine. Our brains as women are different. We have different needs, and yes this time of year takes away some of our oxytocin with our significant others. On the other hand, now that you understand the situation, remember that you have the opportunity to bond through the vasopressin that is being activated. Some women provide food and snacks which is appreciated on one level. Sitting and enjoying the game with your loved ones is another level of appreciation. And asking about the fantasy football league how it's going will give your loved one an opportunity to feel seen, heard, and understood (asking outside of game play of course, during downtime).

It is though knowledge of our differences that brings us closer together.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla 

Ross does not watch football but he keeps track of the games and enjoys the fun.

Tales from the End of the Road: Trust

 

I am in the middle of some very huge changes at work. Sometimes when you go through changes you get additional confirmation, kind of like signs to let you know everything is going to be okay.

This one has three signs. I can't believe it. First, one of the people I dreaded to work with at the new position decided to take my old position. The person is fine...but due to their culture they 'push' a little 'more' than in my culture to get what they want. I smile because that person declined outpatient originally saying that they needed 'x' amount of dollars a month to survive. I have seen at best two thirds and usually half of that amount every month. So they are in for a surprise, and I am not saying anything.

The second sign is that my co-Chief Resident from training, who had been running three outpatient facilities, also jumped ship. Now the position will be corporate, he has an MBA, and is going to run a large multi specialty group. The timing is about the same. My sense of 'something is wrong with outpatient surgery' is really validated. Not only are the patients getting sicker and the cases moving faster, but the reimbursements are very low. I see one third of all cases at the facility I work at go without anesthesia, either a nurse does the sedation or a patient has local anesthesia only.  

The last one was a shock! A leader in a local anesthesia group just 'retired' suddenly. This was because of politics with the hospital, and the younger anesthesiologists had a meeting and deliberately excluded the 'older anesthesiologists'. 

Deep deep down, my gut has sensed that I am being moved to be spared something that is coming down the road. I can't put my finger on it. My guess is a closure like when Covid hit and only emergency cases could go. But it is a random guess, I do not know. A sister facility where my Chief Resident friend works is looking for new proposals from anesthesia groups. And the anesthesia 'coup' was at a sister hospital. 

I have to apply for new health insurance. My coverage has been the same for ten years, a Covered California Obamacare plan. But over the last two years, all of my friends I work with in the OR have stopped taking that insurance. The reimbursements are too low. So you might want to check your 'in network' if you are on a similar policy. I am grateful the surgery center and hospital still take it. But for the price it's not so good if you can't go to primary care, your gynecologist, or other specialists. 

How am I feeling?

That is a very, very good question. I've been avoiding feelings. They are not my strong point. I can see clearly with my old outpatient anesthesia group the dysfunction (we were not paid for two months!). I see the passive aggression, the lack of leadership, and denial of responsibility. I was in my masculine for two years and it was really hard on my system. Back at the hospital my hours will be longer, which is a good thing because I do not do much with the extra time when I work outpatient--I just sit and wait for the scheduling we do at four pm for the following day.

How do I feel about Big Things? You know the Life, Death, Forever ones? I see it coming. The secondary confirmation thing needed online is really getting out of hand. Anthony had some trouble with a credit card not working, and in trying to straighten it out, I had to verify myself by phone text secret code like after every screen I went through on their website. There was no phone number to call, no way to get help, and finally a chat box came up. I ended up with that and then also calling the tiny number on the back of the credit card. These 'validations' to me are just one degree removed from that thing in your hand or forehead so you can buy or sell. Food prices are scary. We may not be 'there' yet but I can see it off in the distance.

Does it disturb me? A little, because I love looking at old vintage footage of cities in the 1950's and I feel sad how things have really gotten worse compared to that. The architecture and the clothing was beautiful. I also know that once things get really bad, it means resolution on the other end of that tunnel is even closer. Whether I am alive or not by that resolution, no one can know, but that resolution is right on the tails of the awfulness. And I pray day and night for everything to be over, to resolve, and for life to be beautiful for everyone again.

If you are in the System, I do not fault or blame you. It just IS. And I know there is a lot of training that has gone into the End of Times--you might not even be aware that you carry such training under the edge of your awareness. But for those of you who are in the System, and who have a love and respect for what is Good, and who choose to act on it, wow! You are one of the best of the best and I applaud you for your strength and courage!! Know that I and many are cheering you on in your efforts!

No matter what, if you are experiencing changes or looking to changes or just doing your best to make sense of everything, focus on everything around you, on what is at hand. Take the opportunity to LOVE everyone, and let it be known how you cherish them.  God is with you. There are legions of angels watching and sending protection and love and healing. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Enjoy Nature, the sky, the birds, the breezes...be present and know there are gifts being sent to you every day from Heaven.

That is enough for today.

Ross nods in agreement.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Good Ones

Tales from the End of the Road: There You Are

 

I have been praying for clarity regarding my upcoming career switch. It is looking like I must choose one setting over the other. At the surgery center I have learned excellence with my anesthesia care. The bedside manner, the interaction with staff, and the precision and timing of sedation are sharp and focused.

On the downside, there are a lot of politics. The surgeons who are unpleasant do not even say hello to you when you say hello to them when you are reviewing your parts of the chart together at the bedside table.  I shake from stress--either avoiding surgeon anger and outburst, or from time pressure to perform--on most days. Even when I go home at noon like I did yesterday, I am not good for the rest of the day except cooking and watching TV on the couch.

While I have been asking for clarity, a nurse I really like a lot said in the locker room, 'keep being a unicorn!'

I appreciated that. 

Wednesday there was a code blue in a different OR, I had ran in and helped. And my help made a big difference. I was first to arrive and also just fresh from recertification of my ACLS, PALS and BLS. I had spent all Saturday in online classes.

The patient survived to go to the ER.

Yesterday another important thing hit me, sometimes a decision can be sad but it is still the right decision.  I had been wanting to stay where I am part time, and to go when I feel called to go (like the prodigal son). The opportunity is really once in a lifetime, to share an FTE with someone super nice and flexible. 

Where is Spirit in all this?

I am hoping with extra time, by working half time, I can get back to my spiritual time. Lately I rush and I can't even talk to people through my phone because cases are so fast. Maybe it's just the times, too, I don' know.

When I am quiet I see a lot of my trauma coming to the surface. The being afraid of being yelled at while I work is a total reminder of my mother and her unpredictable outbursts of anger. The walking on eggshells. The low self-esteem. 

Sometimes healing is simply acknowledging what is taking place, and removing yourself from the situation. You then forgive and 'forgo' (look up Dr. Ashkan Farhadi's work for more on that one--advanced healing from being harmed).

Do I see anything going on in the world, any indication of movement towards our Awakening? Not really.

Do I sense anything from Spirit? Only to move back to the O.R. and to do a 'glow up' --intensive self-improvement. And I would really miss some of my surgeons who only work at the center not the main OR. Opthalmalogists, a gynecologist, and orthopedic surgeon.

Just for today I won't think about it.

Just for today I will focus on joy.

Is Ross saying anything? No, he is quiet. I can sense that this lesson is helping me to find my voice, and to gain the courage to go for what I want to be happy, and to accept that sometimes we try things, they don't work out, and we need to move on to something else. When I am deep in a lesson, he watches, he doesn't direct or coach me. 

Hopefully this lesson will be done soon.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Couple