Tales from the End of the Road: There You Are

 

I have been praying for clarity regarding my upcoming career switch. It is looking like I must choose one setting over the other. At the surgery center I have learned excellence with my anesthesia care. The bedside manner, the interaction with staff, and the precision and timing of sedation are sharp and focused.

On the downside, there are a lot of politics. The surgeons who are unpleasant do not even say hello to you when you say hello to them when you are reviewing your parts of the chart together at the bedside table.  I shake from stress--either avoiding surgeon anger and outburst, or from time pressure to perform--on most days. Even when I go home at noon like I did yesterday, I am not good for the rest of the day except cooking and watching TV on the couch.

While I have been asking for clarity, a nurse I really like a lot said in the locker room, 'keep being a unicorn!'

I appreciated that. 

Wednesday there was a code blue in a different OR, I had ran in and helped. And my help made a big difference. I was first to arrive and also just fresh from recertification of my ACLS, PALS and BLS. I had spent all Saturday in online classes.

The patient survived to go to the ER.

Yesterday another important thing hit me, sometimes a decision can be sad but it is still the right decision.  I had been wanting to stay where I am part time, and to go when I feel called to go (like the prodigal son). The opportunity is really once in a lifetime, to share an FTE with someone super nice and flexible. 

Where is Spirit in all this?

I am hoping with extra time, by working half time, I can get back to my spiritual time. Lately I rush and I can't even talk to people through my phone because cases are so fast. Maybe it's just the times, too, I don' know.

When I am quiet I see a lot of my trauma coming to the surface. The being afraid of being yelled at while I work is a total reminder of my mother and her unpredictable outbursts of anger. The walking on eggshells. The low self-esteem. 

Sometimes healing is simply acknowledging what is taking place, and removing yourself from the situation. You then forgive and 'forgo' (look up Dr. Ashkan Farhadi's work for more on that one--advanced healing from being harmed).

Do I see anything going on in the world, any indication of movement towards our Awakening? Not really.

Do I sense anything from Spirit? Only to move back to the O.R. and to do a 'glow up' --intensive self-improvement. And I would really miss some of my surgeons who only work at the center not the main OR. Opthalmalogists, a gynecologist, and orthopedic surgeon.

Just for today I won't think about it.

Just for today I will focus on joy.

Is Ross saying anything? No, he is quiet. I can sense that this lesson is helping me to find my voice, and to gain the courage to go for what I want to be happy, and to accept that sometimes we try things, they don't work out, and we need to move on to something else. When I am deep in a lesson, he watches, he doesn't direct or coach me. 

Hopefully this lesson will be done soon.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Couple

Tales From The End of the Road: Upheaval

 

Good morning! 

Oh how it feels good to write!

I don't have much time, and I promise not to be cryptic, because I am watching the clock carefully.

About a week ago I was going to write a post about how, if you are some mega-rich multi-billionaire, and you are building a fortress compound to survive some horrible end-of-the-world situation...it is probably better to place your trust in Divine Creator like the rest of us 'little people'. There is 'this world'. Then there is 'Eternity'. Why invest so heavily in something so temporary and limited like this incarnated life?

That was before my own personal explosion of my life took place.

My dream job had been no nights, no weekends, no holidays and I waited TEN freaking years for my old boss to retire so I could work at the surgery center. I got this job two years ago. I was invited. But since then it has been a soul-crushing experience for me. Not because of the workplace itself. It is because of the responsibility I was given to create a new corporation using Legal Zoom. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. But the forms and scrutiny and extra unpaid time demanded of me to fulfill this project was taking so much of my free time I was supposed to have by working outpatient!

Then the 'herding of cats' effect came full force:  my other anesthesiologists in the group. First they didn't trust me. I had to provide copies of every single email I had with all of the billing company and everything else. I had to upload all the documents that the corporation had created. I didn't do the banking that was the treasurer. But instead of a 'group' we got a King and a Prince who were in charge of the money.

They decided some financial moves that put me as a single provider for my family at risk. 

You know how God sends you increasingly stronger messages that you are in the wrong place and it's time to move away? Well my June payout report had misdirected over almost ten thousand dollars! I saw the mistake. I pointed it out. But the King and Prince decided that they wanted to go by the report from the old billing company. It took herculean effort on my part to get partial correction out of an outgoing head of billing. It's still not complete. And the correction I still have to work on for the last seven hundred dollars.

When months ago this hit, and then they were talking about punishment for showing up late and delaying start times, I contacted a colleague at my old work. I had covered for another anesthesiologists' vacation during my own time off in June. I had come home happy. Anthony had seen it. 

And Anthony encouraged me to leave my current situation and move on. I was glad to get understanding, warmth, and kindness from my old work. So I committed. My dream was half at my old work, half at my current.

On giving notice, my current boss became very angry and denied me work there, except as vacation coverage. Already even without a letter of resignation he is hiring someone new.

This work situation keeps causing me pain, again and again, deeper...so I endure. Had I expected it to blow up in my face? No. But deep down I sense God's Divine Protection and I obey and follow how Spirit is moving me from one situation to another. At my old job working half time I made more than I ever did working full time at outpatient. Like the prodigal daughter I am grateful to be welcomed back.

Trust God. Trust the Universe. Trust in Spirit. 

You never know what tomorrow may bring.

Emotionally I am still recovering from the shock, and I am leaning on those close to me for support and comfort.

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Twins