Looking Within
The last few days I have been in very deep and slow meditation with Ross.
This is the first time that our conversation takes a long time to 'sink in'--and I am letting things 'simmer on the back burner' until I am ready to face them again.
I could tell you about work and about home, but those aren't the key 'movements' in my soul at present. So I won't write about them, with the exception that all I want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep.
I come home and take naps.
I don't know if this is something to do with my soul, or the accumulated sleep deprivation catching up with me, or if I am fighting illness...I have been sneezing for two days straight, and finally took some allergy pills (I used to take them daily but stopped about a year ago)...
Yesterday I had a two-hour gap and I just went and slept in the back seat of my car.
I didn't want to be around people. I wanted to be alone. And yesterday, I fell asleep on the couch while the baseball game was on TV.
Long story short, my body and spirit are working VERY hard...and I am 'hanging on' to the best of my abilities.
Our Conversation
I have been complaining to Ross. 'What about the JOY? Where IS that JOY I'm supposed to be experiencing 24/7? The one that's surrounding me?'
Ross says, calmly, 'Its still there.'
We spoke more, almost an argument, really, which is unlike us.
I confessed, 'How can I co-create when I am exhausted?'
He said, 'You have a good point.'
I said, 'I don't even have time to brush my teeth!' (I had spent the night at the hospital without my toothbrush, again)
Ross pointed at the sink and said, 'Then GO!'
These conversations end with either me getting very sleepy, or Ross telling me to take a 'very long bath'...
The question he had for me, is 'What are you hiding in your heart from me?'
Then the sleepy hit.
Technically, I can't hide anything in my heart from him; we are Twins.
His question, therefore, is 'What are YOU hiding from yourself in your heart?'
I think I figured it out: deep down I feel like Ross and his teams don't know what they are doing because I asked for Help a long time ago, and I am still here, and nothing has changed.
So I did what I grew up learning to do: I clammed up on the emotions and went into 'survival mode'.
I literally am just waiting for each day to end, I am so miserable with my work--both my medical work, and my spiritual work.
All I see are channeled messages that don't resonate with me, not one bit. It's like the entire community of Light Workers is scattered.
I can't even really concentrate on the bracelets. There is one Ross is designing for me, and I ordered the parts.
I haven't booked my vacation, either. And I'm upset with Ross because, 'You are taking away the only reward I have--travel'.
I tried to 'click' the button on a trip to book--twice!--and it wouldn't go through. I was devastated.
I don't understand, but I obey. Obedience is my ticket out of duality. It always has been. That and staying humble are what Blessed Mother asked of me so many years ago while I was in medical school.
So there you have it.
Today is a another day at work...I must get ready...I just want you to know the answers aren't always easy, and sometimes they are slow.
And it's okay if you are experiencing this.
Ross
Carla is having a hard time. This isn't like her. Her body isn't able to adapt to the overnight shifts like she once did--she was able to tolerate them, and bounce back a little faster at the start of her career.
Carla is having trouble in the 'I can manifest' department.
You have to WANT it, and to FEEL it, for it to appear.
Carla doesn't WANT anything--she is clamped down tight like a clam--and isn't going to budge.
And even if she truly does want something, like riding a horse, she is convinced what she wants will bring injury to her 'because she's not a kid' and 'it's been too long' and 'I can hide the disappointment by not wanting it in the first place!'.
Carla was abused in her youth.
Carla was abandoned in her crib for many hours, hungry and soiled, by Carrie the overpaid Hungarian babysitter where Carla's mom gave her extra money for the milk for Carla to eat.
This is a very difficult problem to fix--the notion that help will never arrive so why bother to ask?
Carla is exploring this wound so I can heal it.
As you may imagine, the work is both difficult and slow.
Carla lacked warmth and human contact from her immediate family--although it was better than the babysitter--for Carla's emotional health it was not much better.
If you said or asked for or did the 'wrong thing' there would be severe reprimands and withdrawal of affection from both parents that could last for days...
EVERYTHING WAS CONDITIONAL in the Love Department.
So how may Carla accept my love for her is Unconditional and yet at the same time she is not given what she wants? (which is to go Home, to ME?)
This is a very difficult concept, in the Love Department.
Deep down Carla knows I love her unconditionally--I am famous for my unconditional Love for everybody--but Carla is sick and tired of the journey for her Life Script.
I don't know when Carla is going to 'come to' and FEEL in her heart my love for her.
It's can't go in.
There is a block, and Carla won't let it.
Because the last time Carla opened that door, in her youth, she got surprises she didn't expect, and never wanted to experience again.
This is what Carla hides from me, in her heart. The Resistance.
It is only a short time from overcoming this that Carla eventually is going home.
It can take a long time for her to conquer it, the fear and the feelings that shall come up while she answers it.
I can't complain. I am not incarnate at this difficult time, like all of you...
In a short time, and that is YOUR short time, not ours up here...everything will make sense.
I promise this.
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Reiki Doc Twins