I have been praying for clarity regarding my upcoming career switch. It is looking like I must choose one setting over the other. At the surgery center I have learned excellence with my anesthesia care. The bedside manner, the interaction with staff, and the precision and timing of sedation are sharp and focused.
On the downside, there are a lot of politics. The surgeons who are unpleasant do not even say hello to you when you say hello to them when you are reviewing your parts of the chart together at the bedside table. I shake from stress--either avoiding surgeon anger and outburst, or from time pressure to perform--on most days. Even when I go home at noon like I did yesterday, I am not good for the rest of the day except cooking and watching TV on the couch.
While I have been asking for clarity, a nurse I really like a lot said in the locker room, 'keep being a unicorn!'
I appreciated that.
Wednesday there was a code blue in a different OR, I had ran in and helped. And my help made a big difference. I was first to arrive and also just fresh from recertification of my ACLS, PALS and BLS. I had spent all Saturday in online classes.
The patient survived to go to the ER.
Yesterday another important thing hit me, sometimes a decision can be sad but it is still the right decision. I had been wanting to stay where I am part time, and to go when I feel called to go (like the prodigal son). The opportunity is really once in a lifetime, to share an FTE with someone super nice and flexible.
Where is Spirit in all this?
I am hoping with extra time, by working half time, I can get back to my spiritual time. Lately I rush and I can't even talk to people through my phone because cases are so fast. Maybe it's just the times, too, I don' know.
When I am quiet I see a lot of my trauma coming to the surface. The being afraid of being yelled at while I work is a total reminder of my mother and her unpredictable outbursts of anger. The walking on eggshells. The low self-esteem.
Sometimes healing is simply acknowledging what is taking place, and removing yourself from the situation. You then forgive and 'forgo' (look up Dr. Ashkan Farhadi's work for more on that one--advanced healing from being harmed).
Do I see anything going on in the world, any indication of movement towards our Awakening? Not really.
Do I sense anything from Spirit? Only to move back to the O.R. and to do a 'glow up' --intensive self-improvement. And I would really miss some of my surgeons who only work at the center not the main OR. Opthalmalogists, a gynecologist, and orthopedic surgeon.
Just for today I won't think about it.
Just for today I will focus on joy.
Is Ross saying anything? No, he is quiet. I can sense that this lesson is helping me to find my voice, and to gain the courage to go for what I want to be happy, and to accept that sometimes we try things, they don't work out, and we need to move on to something else. When I am deep in a lesson, he watches, he doesn't direct or coach me.
Hopefully this lesson will be done soon.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple