I feel kind of like this.
I started the day crying and wanting to crawl back into bed. It's the housing thing, and the messages are mixed. What is getting me upset is that unlike anything else I have ever done before this decision to move does NOT--N-O-T resonate one bit with my heart center.
There is fear in it.
And I'm not the type to cave in to fear.
I am practical.
And I can be reasonable.
To make a long story short, I went to the highest council and mooned them. I slapped my big white ass, and waved it around, just to let them know what I think of 'their decision making process'.
To make things even more sweet, they didn't even understand what I meant.
It had to be explained to them.
To counter, they asked my greatest wish?
My wish is to MATTER.
To be heard, to be appreciated, and to be loved by all.
Including them, who make their OWN versions--in my opinion frankly, and not Ross'--of 'back room deals' that affect yours truly and I have no input whatsoever at all.
I tell them, 'I want to be part of the TEAM, I have been a good team player, I pull my weight, and now THIS?!'
Yup.
All this over a stupid house.
To move--in my opinion--is to commit financial suicide. I am fifty-one, and the thought of taking on more debt when I am already working crazy long hours, and never enjoying my family, is the equivalent to playing Russian Roulette.
I trust Ross.
But Ross is very quiet on this.
'It's protocol'.
Powell Street
Yesterday I had the delightful surprise of working with one of my old surgery residents. When I was a surgeon for two years, in training, he was two years above me.
He taught me how to put in my first chest tube, and I still remember how to do it!
We enjoyed catching up on all the news from our 'circle' back in the day.
I put in my arterial line in two seconds, and made my anesthesia technician gasp how fast it was!
I was so grateful one of my once 'inner circle' got to see my skills I was well-known for, 'back in the day'.
I was supposed to leave work at one, but this was added on, and I couldn't let someone else relieve me due to the complexity of the case. I left work at five. I made it to the counselor just in time.
I've only seen her twice in six months, due to my schedule, but fortunately, Anthony sees her every week.
Her house is 'settling' too. Doors don't close right. Tile flooring has cracks.
The reason I don't want to move is that all of the area here is on unstable ground. All homes are invaded by Argentinian ants, rats, and black widows.
I've driven all through adjacent neighborhoods. Both day and night. People drive like maniacs!!!
I know of a really nice subdivision in Tustin, where it's a ghost town of magnificent homes, because people have to work long and hard to pay for them.
It's slavery.
Well, the people in the homes--single family ones--around here, have that same 'vibe' too.
And trying to get to the freeway from the home means having lots of people doing the same exact thing at the same time to get to the main roads that feed to the freeway.
I heard from my friend of a doctor who had to sell a thirty-million dollar home at the tip of the Balboa Peninsula, who worked at the hospital on the opposite end of the peninsula, because it took him ONE HOUR to travel that short distance to get to work!
I took that as secondary confirmation for my decision to stay put, and enjoy the financial freedom of being where I am. I embraced the cracks, and was reborn just like Scrooge after the movie; I cleaned, I made breakfast, I packed lunches, I gave persimmons to the teacher, I did laundry and folded it, ( I was told by Ross earlier I had been at risk of being complacent, and if I cleared the mess and junk enough, I 'might not have to move'.)
Today, I was incapacitated by the thought of having to move. I literally pulled the covers over my head, and said, 'I just want a chance to live my own life...and know what to expect...'
I put some myrrh and cinnamon oil in the diffuser, that helped.
I lit a candle for Buddha because 'he never asks me for anything'...
I also lit one for MY dreams...
The Showdown
In our past life together, with Ross, I wasn't happy.
It was the Ross show.
Both of our kids really didn't like us as parents.
We were too absorbed in 'the work'.
I always felt like there was someone else in our union.
It was the crowds.
I didn't like them.
I didn't like how they didn't understand the deeper meanings of our work--Ross took the front man position in all of it but it really was our life's work.
Even now I shudder at the thought of what went down in that life.
All I want is a chance.
A chance to live my own life, and do what I want to do, and to be recognized for my contribution for my work.
To enjoy my family, all of it.
I don't know what the future holds.
There is private communication between Ross about dates and times, and I 'see' into the future somewhat.
My hopes are crushed, because he has been delegated (remember why I mooned the council?)--to take care of 'the someone else' first, and then, perhaps, whenever things settle out, come find me.
I say to him, and to all the Universe, 'families should stick together'. People can cope.
Once again, I am the 'strength' for Ross, the 'support'...but not as an equal partner and friend...thanks to 'The Council'.
(I slap my white butt one more time, just for emphasis, and complete my mooning of The Powers That Be in the Cosmos)
I'm glad you understand my two cents, and nothing has to be explained.
Ross
Carla is at the end of her rope. She is exhausted from her duties. I will cherish her when it is time. But for Carla, now is 'too late for it' already.
I am sending her back to bed for an hour, if only to relax and understand some things happen without our ability to explain.
Carla is tired, from her heart, from her soul, from her growth--even in this she is growing.
Carla wants her chance to live her life unhindered from point A to point B with little outside influence.
In MY life, that's all there is, nothing BUT 'outside influence' for I am a very public person with much responsibility to all.
I cannot do what Carla asks--to spend time with her, alone, and concentrate on our happiness.
I am bound by my efforts as the head of the Forces of Light, to complete my tasks.
So there we are...Carla in bed, weeping, and I at the helm of my task force to rescue just about all that there is in 3D which is truly in 5D but not most are aware of it...
I invited Carla to plant the sweet pea seeds today in the garden. I told her she would see them bloom again in the spring. She couldn't believe this, a reprieve of four months! She relaxed at once, and asked, 'are you certain?'
I am.
Carla go to bed.
Go and pull the covers up over your head.
Everyone has a need for this, every now and then.
I love you.
You are at your breaking point, but you won't break.
Laetari and I will see to your safety...and your happiness...
This time, you may count on me.
I promise.
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Reiki Doc Couple