The amount of growth and healing taking place has been intense. Steady, unrelenting, and so subtle that you can't put a finger on it. It is both imperceptible and important at the same time.
For years I have wondered how Hope Johnson has gotten to her belief system--everything is all made up, you imagine it, things happen to help you realize just how you are projecting/making it up. Underneath the entire illusion nothing is happening, you are perfect! Nothing can hurt you.
Hope is a student of the Course in Miracles.
And she says everything, our bodies, our needs, everything, is all made up, like 'make believe'.
I think I found it through a back door of spirit, totally by accident. So I am going to share it with you here.
I have disorganized attachment. This is a mix of both anxious (which I know) and avoidant (which I did not realize I was). I frankly believe 'avoidant' tendencies are what kick in after you give up on ever getting nurturing at all, or emotional connection or support. It is a survival method.
All my life I have wanted to be loved, chosen, picked, selected, and treasured.
But no matter how hard I tried, I could not only be given love in the context of a romantic life partner--I could not even feel it!
Two marriages crashed and burned. Then the baby daddy went out the door. It was painful!
You can't get for yourself what is God's choice and on God's schedule. It just fails miserably.
When Ross came into the picture, by my surprise, it was wonderful at first. But then the distance of the dimensions made it challenging. How was you day Ross? There was the consistency that was lacking, even though he keeps close watchful eye over me always.
It has been ten years now for us.
It is not easy when you are avoidant/disorganized/anxious attachment.
Part of being incarnate is having these HUGE blind spots. Everyone can see but you. And your belief system and self-esteem and ego are desperate to keep you from knowing the truth.
In the occult, there is a huge push to 'know yourself'. I think in that context it is to 'know your power'.
For me, actually, I came to the conclusion that I am a mess. My self-esteem is not so great. My childhood was really difficult. I was able to make friends and have a wonderful career, and even be a mother! But deep inside, because I could not 'connect' in a meaningful way with a partner, I have felt like a complete and total failure. Every day. I get up. I go to work. I come home. That hole inside my soul keeps getting bigger and deeper and darker. It never gets better. So I carry on.
I gave up.
I told Ross I am tired.
Nothing can fix me.
It is awful, the things I have done, trying to make myself feel better--spending, getting into relationships with healthy people and having everything go sour, all this running away from myself.
Ross was very gentle, considerate, and understanding. He had been waiting for me to get to this point.
And then once I said to him, how I really felt, then it was like a veil was lifted. I saw myself inside a pure 'bar' of silver. Nothing had tarnished it. Nothing had scratched it. Nothing of this world can ever affect that which is not of this world. And that which is not of this world, is perfect and whole in every way.
Softly, Ross said, 'I can fix it'.
My problems can get better. A part of it is to align myself with the belief of my own pure inside that is eternal and from Heaven. And a part of it is to trust in the Divine to carry away the pain from all these imaginings/experiences that really are make believe compared to what happens in Home home in Heaven.
Also I have learned I need to relax and open my heart, and to receive the love of a powerful man who loves me.
This is a lesson in and of itself!
I must go for a conference call. For work.
Thank you for listening to me and my growth. If you suffer from something where no matter how hard you try, you can't get it right, well, roll with it to its natural conclusion. And remember deep down inside you are unscathed. And life is going to help you find your way. Your lessons are leading you to a place of happiness and contentment.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos
Namaste,
peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple
