Accelerated Growth

 

It's a shit show out there.

Seriously.

I have full trust in our teams, both ground crew and the ones watching. I know deep in my bones no matter what everything is going to be okay.

You can't rush it.

A colleague who has noticed patterns in her OB/Gyn cases, has awakened. She wanted more information. I gave it. Texe Mars (with two R's in the last name) has a nice pictorial on the secret symbolism. Anything by Kerth Barker, particularly the one with 'high adept' in the title, which I recommended. And Cathy O'Brien's Tranceformative Book...My friend is a book listener. She got so far as one known political figure in Cathy's story, and 'couldn't take it any more'. She also read the book by Kerth as she flipped through it, read a part on 'mutilation' and 'couldn't go any more'. 

This woman is wide awake, medically.

Yet even she has her limits to how evil operates behind the scenes, hidden in plain sight. 

What can you do?

You hold the space.

And you don't hold the space in a vacuum where you stay completely the same!

You grow.

And that's what I've been doing.

Long ago, in 2010 when I started this blog, blogging was new! 

Now, the interest has passed to 'quick dance videos' on a totally different platform. 

And that's okay.

I've benefitted greatly from some of those 'short videos' on a different platform than the click clock one. I've learned so much about my attachment pattern and the scars from being with a narcissist. Actually, a whole string of them. 

So I'm taking steps to heal.

One year ago today I was on call at the hospital.

Getting to sleep in my own bed every night for the last six months has been a blessing I've been waiting for my whole career. 

It's never too late to grow...to improve your life...and to celebrate who YOU are. 

Remember you can keep an eye to the Awakening and an eye to your own situation at the same time. It's okay to focus on you and to heal. Aim to have a regulated nervous system--peace and calm--and seek joy in your life every day.

Ross

Carla likes to learn. 

For those of you that don't enjoy puzzles and solving them, allow me to reframe this talk. 

For those of you who have burdens you have been carrying, let them go. 

If there are patterns in your life that you wish to change, ask for resources to be sent your way to guide you. 

If survival at the present preoccupies you from your growth, it is imperative that you give--something, anything, even a flower you pick in the wild--to 're-set' the generosity of your soul and it's connection to Source. Do something giving, even if it's as simple as memorizing and telling a joke, every day. 

Always be stoked (pumped up) to live your life. You are the hero of your own story! Now, Live It!

clap! clap! 

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Couple

Dollars and Sense

 

This is a lesson Ross asked me to write about.

There are three parts. The last part was clearer to me last night, but I needed to go to bed. And tonight, it's late again, I need sleep, but because of the risk of forgetting the information, and for keeping my promise to Ross, I stay up and write.

In my culture, which is Italian/Sicilian, we have a philosophy about the children and buying them things that they enjoy. The philosophy is, 'when else in life can you make someone completely happy and blown away with so little money?'  Five dollars worth of candy bars is enough to really make a kid be amazed at their sudden good fortune! So we enjoy that time in life when the innocence of the children allows us to really give them a little happiness...happiness we can afford.

I brought my car to the gas station with the car wash. I always buy the deluxe premium option even though I'm not exactly sure what the difference is between the regular, nicer, and nicest options. There are two guys at this car wash. One who makes the car go through at the beginning and pushes the button. Then there is the second one who dries off the drips on the windows and mirrors at the end. This super deluxe is about nine dollars. But I had my wallet in the back. And I took out five ones and handed it to him as a tip, at the end. I actually had to get out of the car to reach my wallet. 

You should have seen the smile on that man's face! He was completely startled, surprised, and said, 'take care!'

You see on Earth we have very little time to do good works, such as this...it makes a huge difference in how things turn out in the spiritual side of things. Remember in these times of inflation and challenges financially, giving a surprise  generosity that is completely unexpected is a good thing. 

There are many ways to do this sort of generosity. The internet has stories of paying it forward, or paying for the person in line behind you, so many things. It helps to have discernment because many play the 'charity' card professionally and can be quite convincing! But when it resonates, follow your heart, and give of your time, talent and treasure. The one who will benefit the most is actually you.

This last one, wow. Um, lots of progress. When I hit sort of a rock bottom in the relationship/healing department recently, I was a little overwhelmed. If we back up thirty, forty years...I was grieving my first boyfriend, and looking for someone new after that breakup. But I didn't have the social skills or the emotional maturity to ask for what I wanted, or even believe I deserved it. 

I married and instead of joy, I found more sorrow. With my health. Then with the memory of what happened when I was little, a terrible trauma that was sexual in nature. It turned out my husband had similar, but didn't think it was a big deal. So there was no loving support I needed to heal my wounds. 

I turned to my career. Left my husband. And this started the long, long line of 'wanting someone to make it better' and 'wanting to get it right'.  I dated many. I married. I divorced. I dated again. And I became a mom. 

Along the way the psychic gifts and memories of past lives came out. Ross entered the picture. I learned about the role of the healthy masculine and healthy feminine in relationship. I longed to be able to pick up where I had left off in my area of expertise as a soul. 

But nothing.

Even Ross grew distant and quiet.

Then I started the work of actually grasping the situation. I am an anxious attacher. I was raised by narcissists. I know it's harsh but my maternal grandmother told me when I was an adult that she and my grandfather were worried for us kids, (so much yelling and hippie ideals) and they made extra effort to be a stable, loving home for us so we would know everything was going to be okay. 

I've even learned there's a little high-functioning spectrum in me and I mask well (I've suspected it for years) and some adult ADHD. And the clutter is a sign of a brain that's been formed with trauma. Even now, I have compassion for two year old me who if I didn't put my toys away at night my father would have thrown them in the trash the next morning. No wonder why I have so much trouble with object constancy! My brain was in that stage of forming and WHAM! Again and again the betrayals. The neglect from the drunken babysitter. 

That was rock bottom. How can you heal when your brain isn't right somehow in the emotions/organization department? How can you heal a broken heart when you have to 'love yourself' first but with an upbringing like mine how could you understand what love is in the first place?

Mom and Dad deeply loved one another. But they didn't prepare me for my future. I appreciate the lessons, the time spent caring for us, the sports and hobbies and activities.

I also have been looking up over perhaps the last year or so, men from my past. And actually, I've been with some pretty awesome people. One even turned into a restauranteur in the Bay Area! And being in contact with my first boyfriend still, it's a blessing. 

Today I spoke with Ross. I told him I wanted a boyfriend. I've been telling him that for a long time now. 

Someone HERE.

He asked me what I like about him?

His kindness. His protecting me. His caring for me. 

He helped me to see that with him there, it's not much different than with him here. The love is the same.

I told him I need someone for daily talks, for companionship.

He said he understands that.

But underneath it all, I saw that I wanted my Divine Feminine to glow and be healthy, in relationship with an incarnate Divine Masculine. He understood. I wanted to be 'whole'. Spiritually. While incarnate.

And this is where the healing, that I can't begin to explain how it happened, arrived to me. There was this steady, building knowing of Truth. 

What I thought was broken in me, isn't.

Nothing can break our Divine Birth Right. 

There is nothing to heal.

Yes, it's nice to have new communication strategies for relationship, especially as an anxious attacher and knowing avoidant ones. 

I've realized that Anthony's dad did a number on me. But it's him, not me, that wasn't right. 

I don't need training wheels to be Divine Feminine in action, because I always have been, and I always shall be. It can't be hidden. I only need to align with it more fully. Sort of to get out of its way.

I've seen love as love in the workplace, at Anthony's sports team, with our family...it's all love. Romantic love, which I had thought was a 'solution', is something deeply spiritual but not a band aid to a lifetime of pain. Pain from yesterday, no matter how painful, isn't here with us the same today. And instead of carrying it around, like I always have, my burden lightened. 

Gone is the pressure to heal or to heal in relationship to 'get it right'. 

In Plastic surgery one trades looks for new scars.

In Relationship we trade opportunities for growth as a single person, for opportunities for growth and healing with another person who wants the same. It isn't easy. And as long as both want it, and there's that spark, a 'safe place' is created and we grow.  A little bit of catch up growth, perhaps, but also, growing in our Truth. 

Today was the first day I didn't hate being alone. And I know I'm going to be okay. Because it's this feeling I had to experience, from deep inside, that what is inside cannot be broken. The mind can break. The body can fall apart. The emotions can be abused in so many ways. But the birthright is just as there as it ever was, and it's completely unchanged by all of the experiences. It just takes letting go of the past and welcoming the future. 

Are there going to be hopes, expectations, disappointments? Absolutely! it's part of the Life Experience. 

If you need to heal, hang in there. Live your life lessons to the fullest. Be candid with your guides. Unburden your heart. Answer the questions Spirit asks you. Take care of yourself and your house the best you can. Slow down. Do nothing at times. Sleep in. Let go. And you will be surprised how quickly Spirit can take you where you need to be ready. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. and Spiritually.

I'm so grateful for that heavy weight off my shoulders. And Ross wanted me to write about it. So I did.

He's smiling and nodding and says to me good night.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Couple who are across the veil from one another

My Latest Adventure

 

First of all we would like to wish a Happy Mother's Day to you. For everything you do, we thank you.

Things have been moving forward for me, personally, and on a soul journey. It's not easy. My work schedule now is very active, with early morning starts more often than not. And there are few gaps in the day. The stamina it takes to work full time in an outpatient setting is daunting. By the end of the week I need the weekend to recover and to catch up with my household and personal life. 

Sometimes, with perceived 'pressure', a surprising amount of spiritual growth blossoms.

And even though I am much more happy now, I'd like to share what has been making me happier:  I talk with Ross and Divine Father about what I want more than anything, and that is to heal. I want my nervous system to be calm. I want to take the worst of my pains and wounds and address them, in the hopes of being able to function normally in these few short years I have left before it's time to leave this incarnation.

I am so open and honest and frank with Ross and Divine Father. 

I don't hide anything.

When I don't know where to begin, I tell them.

I just know how I want to feel. And I want to feel like the horrible abuse I endured--in this incarnation and also the one with Ross--is behind me and I get to start fresh and enjoy life. 

You'd be surprised at how this is happening. It's not just talking and discussion that is helping me. Little things are 'popping up' out of nowhere to guide me.

I am excited to be on this healing path. 

The amount of love and patience and understanding and support I have from Ross is mind-boggling. From Divine Father too.

Two people I really trust and admire are making big moves in the healing department too. I've seen their sharing. Hope Johnson is always about three steps ahead of me, and she explains things so very well. Recently she talked about how she doesn't have energy or time for people who have a perception of her that isn't loving. I love how she communicates her connections and philosophy--and to summarize--'everything is fake!'   And it is! We live in a world of Illusion. So, why get bent out of shape? Right?

The other is Lisa Frieborg (oh gosh I hope I spell it right) with Angelorum. Today's share was really insightful. She suffers not only from complex post-traumatic stress disorder, but also, religious trauma. She talks about how she self-destructed her business not once but twice, but now, at least, she is in a position to help other survivors of such trauma. I know my cousin S has it. He's shared. And technically, people who are raised by TWDNHOBIAH in the 'system' are survivors of a little different kind of religious trauma (spiritual assault really) too.  Lisa is the real deal, she doesn't make things sound nice when they aren't for her. That's why she has my respect and admiration. She's REAL. Never phony or fake.

"My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus' -Phillippians 4:19

Today's Bible Verse just popped up on my phone. Ross has his say, too <3 From the Spirit Realms.

There's lots to do today. Many chores. Anthony graduates soon! I must send out the graduation announcements. Ross is helping me and guiding. He says to 'just let the day flow' and I will.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Couple

Our Advice

 

I've suffered from anxiety, oh, most of my life. At three I know I didn't have it. But by five I did. One of my biggest stressors was going to the dentist. I would yawn and try to fall asleep in the car on the hopes that perhaps this time, just maybe, if I was sleeping I wouldn't have to go.

My father worked with me on my anxiety issues a lot. He's ask me, 'is it here yet? (whatever I was worrying about)'.  Why waste this precious time when nothing is actually happening?

He even said, 'a coward dies a thousand deaths, a hero dies but one'.

I have been working on my emotions. I don't eat when I am stressed any more. I used to. 

But today, was something new.

Before I was waking up, Ross told me, gently, 'put all your worries on me for today.'

And I did.

I focused today only on the tasks Ross said to do. To finish cleaning out the pantry. And I finished. We went to a ballgame (our team lost by a lot). And even I didn't really cook any meal, because my project took so long. So we had takeout. 

Food goes bad. It does. Even when it's in cans. Nothing is forever. Except maybe pasta and rice if the bugs don't get to it. 

So I threw things out. There's a lot of food I stocked up on because of the pandemic. Some things I can use even though they are a little expired. Anything with oils in them, I tossed, because oils go rancid and that causes inflammation. 

I found things I needed. So it saves me money too, going through my supplies and knowing what I have. 

I set a goal that by next year to be worked through half of the pantry. It doesn't need so much there. And I'm surprised that my handiwork--canning jam/marmalade and drying figs--still is good! That's a wonderful feeling to be able to take care of your family. 

Sadly, the bottom/floor of the pantry was full of black widows. It's funny, they remind me a little of dark entities. With dark entities, there's always a major and a minor, they travel together in pairs, and the minor one is who you encounter first. (We are talking about attachments to people's auras, I have been taught how to remove them, only with my teams, of course). Here I saw the smallest ones, then next to last was a pretty big one that knew how to hide. And the last one was the biggest, and I have seen a lot of black widows in my life. And I killed that one too, even though it was in the very back. People talk about minimalism, and I have to admit, with less stuff there's less silverfish and less black widows!

This is just chatter.

The lesson for all of us, is daily, put our worries on Ross. Or your guides, or Creator, whichever you prefer. Free yourself up from that anxiety and dread. Make lists. Do. Act. And then be kind to yourself if you can't get everything done. Be willing to pivot, if you know what I mean, for example, not cooking dinner. At the end of the day, rest and let everything go. Worry takes time away from trusting Creator, and also, from forming a plan and carrying it out. Take notice of things, and prepare, sure. But let that cycle of worry and dread just not have access to you any longer. It's counterproductive.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The couple

Our Guidelines--Another Installment

 

As always, we are the trailblazers and guides on our healing and adaptation to the unseen world as it pertains to us here in 3D terrestrial life on Earth.

This lesson is brief.

Exceedingly so.

We are presenting this as an example to further encourage you to 1) be aware this can be experienced and 2) to allow yourself to just 'roll with it' when it does.

Earlier today, I spent twenty minutes in the hammock, not thinking, just being and experiencing life. I could hear the birds singing. The sun was warm on my skin. Ross and I were having a conversation. My guard was down...

...and the cloud suddenly covered the sun. There was no more warmth, in fact with the breeze it was quite chilly.

My Divine Feminine from deep within me cried out to Ross, 'the cold! the cold! the cold!'

He asked me why I was cold?

'Because of the caves!' my soul said to him, as if he was asking a silly question. 'If we have heat then we will be able to be found!'

I had no idea that was hidden inside of me. I was partly observing it and experiencing the horror at the same time.

For two years, possibly longer, after Ross died, I lived hidden in a cave, without warmth, even in the depths of winter, and without light except the briefest of candle/oil lamp...to escape execution from those who had executed Ross. The dark ones (TWDNHOBIAH) were methodical, persistent, and extremely vicious. 

In the cold I writhed in agony, trying to warm myself, to no avail, somewhere between worlds here and there, present and past...it was a horrible feeling of being hunted.

And then my soul shared with Ross the truth--nobody really appreciated/'got' what part of his work I was able to preserve and grow in his absence. It ended up being infiltrated, twisted, diluted by those same evil ones who for some reason had given up on killing all of his relatives he loved, and just distorted the truth.

I could feel Ross feel my suffering, and he felt truly awful for it. And he explained that now is a time to heal, and to appreciate the warmth, and the protection and freedom in this life. 

And so the lesson is complete. A big part of healing is to get these things OUT. Old memories, hidden traumas, from this life or past ones. 

He held me in his arms for a long time, and reassured me that everything is going to be okay. 

So in summary, you might have things to heal that are long long buried. Let them come up in the safety of relationship, especially that with you loved ones/guides who are not incarnate, or living ones who you have established rapport with support and trust. It's the sharing of it, and the reassurance, that heals, as well as their offering you the bigger perspective. You don't have to dwell on it. You release it whatever it was, and move on. If in the case like me, you were denied basic necessities, well, relax and appreciate having them now. I waited briefly, a few minutes, and the sun came from behind the clouds. The warmth had returned. And then my meditation time was over.

Ross

It won't happen again.

Whatever it is that once happened to you.

I want you to remind yourself of this.

And also how very much you are eternally loved by the Divine All That Is.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Healers

Imbalance

 

I was a tomboy.

I enjoyed all of the activities while growing up--and with encouragement from my father, I became confident, capable, and self-assured with my ability to master new skills. And to learn.

That's how I ended up becoming a doctor.

It's a long journey with many challenges. Each one I was able to meet and overcome.

There is greater and greater clarity these days being given to me. And today I'd like to discuss the unseen energies of the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine, especially in relationship.

I am, unfortunately, what could be described as a Masculine Female. And here I ended up, a single mom, which as a provider of food, shelter and sustenance, is a masculine role still. Even though it's a mom.

I look back at all my boyfriends and husbands. Not only were they, as it turns out, feminine or 'soft energy' men, in relationship the unhealthy imbalance between our poles of energy created lots of chaos and unhappiness. 

For everyone in partnership with me.

I look back at Anthony's father. He had two main girlfriends after me. He lived with them. The first had debt, massive debt, and she ended up taking his car. The second was a student who was supported by him--rent and transportation and food--and ended up leaving him to go to nursing school out of state. He didn't want to go with her and leave his son. She did take another car from him too!

So his last girlfriend, who is now his wife, was set up by mutual friends/her cousin. And she is Basque. She has a very close family and lives blocks away from them. She also is a professional who works in a hospital setting. 

I remember early on in their relationship, the family made Jared work. Lots and lots of physical work on family member's projects--remodeling a home, stuff like that. I guess since he quit his job he had to do something. And then later, they made him get a real job. Which he did. It's in like refinancing home loans now. 

She has a special-needs son. He's stepped up to the plate, and actually, hasn't put his foot down on anything. She's very fearful and anxious (lol and he once called me 'needy' !) and to assuage her from her fears of long covid he had to comply with a medical procedure he was against. It was that jab or her. 

Jared got the medicine he needed. The family put him into increasingly masculine demands. Having been raised in a family where the mother earned more money, he never really found a desire to find a wife, to provide and protect her, and to create a family. Perhaps my coming along in his life pre-empted that, I don't know?

I understand now, that my birthright, is to be feminine. 

My sister who liked my dad, like I did, well, we both are the main breadwinners for our families.

My sister who hated my dad, well, she and her husband, at the first child, went to a Christian counselor, who guided them to have her stay at home and the husband provide. And he has. For over twenty years.  Not to say that her marriage is happy and balanced or anything. But her husband provides. And she doesn't have to work.

The Divine Feminine is important. 

We are here to anchor that energy upon the Earth, which itself is a feminine planet. 

Those Who Do Not Have Our Best Interest at Heart have messed with that. With so many slow, steady, carefully planned changes over time. You can see Amish by comparison--unchanged--and us--totally different. 

The Divine Feminine isn't something we can heal with a ceremony or a workshop or a couple of YouTube videos. This too is a lifetime journey. And it will take help from the Divine Masculines out there, as well as the Divine Feminines. Divine Masculines? Hug your women/feminines, for a long time, and tell them that everything is going to be okay. And mean it! Start practicing chivalry. Anticipate her needs. Help her feel like emotionally she is safe and protected and HOME. Feminines? Make requests. Invite. Turn up your radiance, which is your birthright. Acknowledge and appreciate the Divine Masculine for what he does for you. 

Ross provides.

Ross protects.

I see it. And I thank him. Every single day.

To be honest he's not the best at conversation. With the dimensions being what they are, and telepathy, we communicate. But it's always information, of a spiritual nature, and never just idle chit chat.  Being human, I kind of enjoy the chit chat, it makes me feel bonded. 

Again I had a horrible scary drive to work on Thursday or was it Friday? Just between the two exits kind of close to mine. It was so bad people talked about it at work--guys too!--how they were thinking oh man should I just pull over? It helped me to build my trust more in Ross. And also, with others sharing, it validated that my fears were not unwarranted. 

Last night's ballgame finished with those I ask Ross to help, being able to shine and rise to the occasion. It was such a big win the players sprayed baby powder on each other while giving high fives. 

My Ross helps me lots with planning my days. I have a lot of boxes of organizational bins downstairs. I need to unbox them and take care of the cardboard. He makes things easy for me to understand when I am overwhelmed. 

Ross says to you, 'delight in your energy'. And I remind you, in this spiritual war with so many battles, remind yourself, 'strongest vibration energy wins!'. Do what you can to strengthen your ability to anchor Divine frequencies to the planet, and to live your utmost striving to always be in Harmony with Earth and all things Divine. 

The effects are true and far-reaching.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Two who are One

The Work Of A Lifetime

 

Wow.

Just tonight I had a huge breakthrough.

It's funny how our families create situations where we can gain insight on old problems we have carried with us, things we were innocently exposed to and powerless to avoid while growing up.

Tonight I asked a favor and my son said 'no'. It was a harmless thing, to take a video because I was eating a hamburger. I didn't want to miss the event. He said, 'enjoy the moment'. He knows I share fun things from the ballpark on Instagram. 

I was annoyed. I knew it wasn't nice of him. And I got my phone and filmed half of the National Anthem being played by a Mariachi band on Cinco de Mayo before the ballgame. 

I even had the courage to say I was mad at him for that, for not being nice, and I wasn't going to eat the french fries he was offering me yet until I wasn't upset any more. 

There was a giveaway tonight. The shirt is one size fist most people, but not him. He told me I had two shirts. But then later, when some total stranger said he was sad he didn't get a shirt, he gave his away. This is the softest, nicest shirt I own right now, I'm wearing it as I type, and the color is beautiful on me. 

On the way home, I saw a pattern of people promising me things, and then just giving them/taking them away, and that to them my feelings didn't matter. 

But to him, I said, 'You said I had two, that's the problem, you gave it to me, and then to someone else. That's why I'm upset.'

He had forgotten he's said it was mine.

Then I told him that often times you don't listen when I talk to you. And my feelings don't matter to you. You actually laugh at me. A lot. And I don't like it. 

That was the healing.

Sometimes I wonder if being a little autistic (I'm adult ADHD and also high-functioning on the spectrum, not formally diagnosed but I have enough facts to make me highly suspicious) is from being raised by people who totally ignored you and your emotions, so it's underdeveloped?

I know I've had trauma, neglect, and horrible abuse from a drunken babysitter when I was around one. I learned fluent Hungarian in a hurry by age two, just to get the attention of the drunk caregiver in her native language. 

But so many places...my first boyfriend used to say, when I was speaking up for myself or my needs, that I was 'just quacking' and he called me 'duck'. 

My father was always telling me not to feel what I was feeling. Don't be emotional. If you cry because you want something the answer is an automatic no. If you ask rationally, then, maybe you will get a yes. My mother was the only one in the family allowed to have emotions and the whole house catered to her. And later, to my younger sister. The middle one, who had a very odd love-hate dynamic with mother. There was lots of anger and yelling between those two. And lots of sickening 'making up'. 

I was a nice kid.

Really sweet.

And I never learned to set boundaries, or to command respect in my family of origin.

It was so bad that for my wedding, they secretly ordered a tuxedo for my sister's boyfriend and arranged for him to sit at the wedding table, without asking me. If they had asked I would have understood they were serious and said 'yes'. But they sneaked it on me, and when I got angry they dismissed my anger as being 'hormonal'. 

How was I ever to have a successful marriage partnership and be able to raise a family, if I felt like I was worthless and I lacked the skills to interact in an emotional world? From what I have come to learn, relationships are all about being able to support one another, and when the inevitable conflict comes from misunderstanding or mistakes of any kind, to repair the relationship effectively. 

No wonder I am alone! With two painful broken marriages, and a baby daddy...finally it makes sense!

I saw a thing today that said that you need to really PICK a partner, and to know them for four seasons to really know THEM, not because you want to have a partner and rush. 

So much loneliness! All my life. No wonder animals and children understood me on an energetic level. I could communicate with them. I didn't have the equipment for more complex older humans. The loneliness aches and aches and never goes away. 

The subconscious re-creates our family of origin and our experiences, trying to 'rewrite it'. And having suffered so much trauma, it's difficult to walk away from dysfunctional relationships because of the hope that love will come from the person who is completely unable to give it, and never has given it.

There was an apology just now, from my son. For all three misunderstandings--there's one extra I won't talk about. It's not important. I told him I felt humiliated by his behavior to me. I thanked him for the apology. And reminded him that tomorrow is a new day. 

This Scorpio full moon and eclipse is very powerful.

The truth is getting out.

At my work, there's a group taking over the anesthesia at the hospital. I left in November and haven't looked back. Twenty-four hour call. No post-call day off. No vacation. Working weekends, holidays, nights. 

As an aside, last Saturday I went to a friend from medical school's house for dinner. A small reunion of our classmates who were in the area for a conference. I wasn't even sure if it was a safe place, by the yard and the door, I had to check and double check. It was in disrepair. Once I was inside, I saw like from my old house--musical instruments in the living room, a huge room dedicated to Buddha and ancestors, and lots of clutter and mess. That was my 'aha!' moment! Single parent, busy work life, raising kids--somethings have to slide. And cleanliness was there in the messy house. There just wasn't time for the extras. Organization. Decluttering. Upkeep. 

I've been having compassion towards myself, for having survived thirteen years of that crazy lifestyle, at one hospital, and even more years with the training and academic career before that. 

Well, in a communication with administration, administration disclosed to the new anesthesia group, that 'why does anesthesia need a post call day off?' and also, 'anesthesia seems to be doing fine without vacations'.

To this private communication within the group, away from administration, one wisely said, 'we are not robots. We need time to enjoy our families.'

What I had seen and felt and sensed from the very top, and why I wanted out, was completely on target!

Wow.

Again, traumatized people will remain in bad situations longer than they should and not walk away...because of recreating the trauma from the family of origin and wanting the abusers to treat them correctly. 

So it's been lots and lots and lots of healing for me. And I see I need to be confident enough to call people on it, their behavior, which is different from themselves --and emotions let me know important things like boundaries and when they are being crossed!

I still can't read a face for emotions, it's like a blank when I look at one. 

But the feelings will help me to interpret the emotions of others, I will be able to sense them empathically.

I'm so happy.

I'm so happy my prison cell is opening, and also, that the prison for my colleagues at the hospital is being exposed for what it has been...overwork of a 1099 independent contractor who doesn't get the benefits the state mandates for W-2 employees. No protection of the worker rights by law. 

It's shameful.

It's shameful how corporations and businesses are set up for money making and just look the other way at the worker's needs while speaking out of both sides of the mouth as if they really care about the worker. 

It's probably even worse in other fields. I'm certain of it. 

Is it worth it to do the work?

YES!

Keep living your life as an 'outside observer' as well as experiencing it. Take in all your experiences. And when patterns turn up, pay attention. 

Especially ones that seem to happen over and over and over again.

Am I 'doomed' like Sylvia Browne said, as a 'loner humanitarian'?

I was.

I was because I lacked the skills to interact with others in a healthy way, I couldn't communicate or walk away when 'respect wasn't being served'.

If your problem is one of the other ones like Sylvia described, health, money, stuff like that...as 'written in the life script as the one thing you can't get right no matter how hard you try'...maybe the case is similar? Perhaps there's important life skills (for example, delay of gratification) that are underdeveloped?

I don't know.

But I am glad that I was able to make the connection. Better late than never, right?

Ross nods in agreement. And it's time for me to go to bed.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Two

Ten More Minutes

 

I was a little surprised this morning to see it had rained last night.

I was very thankful that the rain was light as I was driving to work. I know that there have been some rough times behind the wheel in heavy rain on the way to work. 

I gave thanks that I had written my blog, gotten out of the house, and listened to Reggae, having no clue that inclement weather was going to be something I might be dealing with on my morning commute.

As I turned direction, towards west on the Freeway, the skies got darker and the rain heavier. Everyone slowed down to forty to fifty miles an hour. 

Then is got really bad. Heavy rain. Poor visibility. And really bad drainage on the road. I could feel the car gently hydroplane through puddles here and there. 

I'm an excellent driver. I've lived in the Bay Area. But rain here, recently, has just been a nightmare, especially with all the perpetual work on the roads. 

I gave thanks for the overpasses so I had a little time to actually see the road clearly. 

But this time, I stayed calm.

The skies got lighter as the sun was coming up. Unfortunately, even though the rain was a drizzle, visibility was even worse. The sky mirrored into the water on the road. I couldn't tell what lane was what. Trucks were pulling over to the side to just wait the heck out of the storm. But I had patients to see and cases to start...

In the worst, I said, 'Ross, I know you are helping me. I am not afraid. I can't see you, but I know you are here. Thank you very much for doing such a good job.'

I took a scary lane change and white knuckled it until I was safely on my offramp two exits away. 

I gathered my composure and walked/hobbled into work.

On the drive home, I spoke with Ross. He was very pleased at my giving thanks to Him and trusting Him like I did.

And I prayed a prayer I often pray for my Guardian Angel, God, will you please give him a raise? 

Why? Because he does such a good job of guiding me on my path, and helping me to accept the unacceptable, and to grow. He soothes me too when I suffer. Thank you.

So Ross asked me to share. I said yes. My ten minutes is almost up, it's bedtime. 

When you get a chance, really connect and ask Creator to give your guardian angel and guides a Big Promotion and RAISE! 

You're actually helping yourself too when you help them. Gratitude helps them very much too.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Couple

Ironic

 

I'm noticing a trend in my spiritual life.

I'm becoming more interested in my Life Lessons and the Tasks At Hand.

That feeling of not belonging or wanting to leave  and go 'Home' is faded.

Here and there, I'm starting to spontaneously co-create and manifest, little things. Not like I'm trying but I'm just witnessing it happening. There is also a greater peace and acceptance of life overall. 

The energies have shifted, silently and without any fanfare, but they have. And I am more comfortable (remember the first time I ever felt 'normal' while in this incarnation was when I was attuned to Karuna Reiki, a very high healing frequency?). 

I barely have time to do my chores and eat before leaving for work. Ross has wanted me to write for a few days, and today was the day.

Our message to you is that there have been some really fantastic changes out there right under our noses. It is okay to set aside all the old and the impending doom and the scary and the scarcity--in order to focus on gratitude, and growth. 

What is going to happen is going to happen. Nobody knows for certain how everything is going to play out. But I have a feeling, a tiny inkling of a feeling, that if you are reading this, you are on a happy End Times 'timeline', and hopefully, by remembering who you are and enjoying it, our frequencies will add to the anchoring of Heaven on Earth. 

Let it go, everything else, even if only for a few minutes a day, and rejoice in being angelic and all the benefits and gifts that accompany that. Strong bonds with animals and Nature. Healing. Blessings. And Love. 

Ross says this is enough.

He also thanks me.

And you for reading our stuff.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Twins